- 7 years ago
- Wedding: July 2012
Ok, so I created a new account to remain anonymous. Usually I try to stay positive on here, but there has been something on my mind and I need the opinions of my fellow bees.
Ok so when I was 18 I was raped. At least thats what I have told myself. But inside I have always felt guilty and felt that it was my fault we had sex and that he didn’t know I didn’t want to. So heres the story-
When I was 18 my highschool sweetheart broke up with me. I was a mess. But this new older guy I met was always flirting with me. I do musical theater and he was in a show with me. He was cute and 23 and giving ME attention. I felt so special. Well, one day he told me that I should go to his apartment sometime and hang out with him and all his roommates. I knew his roommates because I had done shows with them to and I was close friends with one of them so it seemed like a good idea. Well, one day I lied to my parent and decided to go out to his apartment with him. It ended up just being us there. We had fun. Innocent fun. We talked a lot and watched TV, kissed a little and then went to bed. He didn’t even try anything with me because I told him I was a virgin and I wasn’t comfortable doing that. The next week he asked me to come over again. and this time he was taking me on a date. Again, this guy was 5 years older than me and made me feel so special! I said yes of course! We went out to eat and decided a movie we wanted to go see, but it still had an hour before it showed. We went to his apartment to wait. When we got there, there where A LOT of people there and they were all drinking and doing misc recreational drugs. I was SO uncomfortable. It ended up that it was his buddies birthday (he said he had forgot) he knew i had never drank and took me to his room to get away from everything. We then left to go see the movie. He took me back to the apartment when we were done and the party hadn’t died down any. After about an hour he asked me if he could have a glass of wine. I didn’t want to be THAT girl, so I said ok. I just didn’t want him to be drunk. All his roommates kept telling me I needed to drink, and after an hour of it, I caved. I had one glass of wine. Then the night goes dark. I don’t think one glass would have gotten me that drunk, but I didn’t know anything about alcohol at that age. The things I remember from that night are him making me go to his room. Him kissing me. and then him putting me in a weird position. Then I woke up in his bed naked, and alone. I have remembered a few more details from that night as time has gone on. One being him trying to take my clothes off and me saying no. another being the pain. but thats all.
I felt so guilty after he told me what we had done. I felt like I had given up my morals. And I felt like he had willingly ripped them all away from me. Later that week I talked to his roommate who i was friends with and he said he was sorry how he acted etc. He then asked how much I had to drink and was shocked that I couldn’t remember anything. He then asked who made my drink, and after realizing that the boy had, I started to suspect he had put something in my drink… The guy and I stopped talking. He wouldn’t even look me in the eye. After that I remembered a conversation we had had while lying in bed. I kept asking him why he didn’t want to be my boyfriend and he said he wasn’t good enough for me, then left the room. So now I knew why I had waken up alone. I felt so guilty. I felt like I had given up everything I stood for. Until I told one of my friends about that night and she told me I was raped. She said I had said no and thats all that classified the rape.
I then admitted to myself that I was a rape victim.
Fast forward several years. I dont think about it. I just say it was what it was. I am now engaged and we are in marriage counseling. we do lots of “homework”. one thing asked lots of questions and one was have we been sexually abused. I said no, then realized I had and said yes. I then started doubting. was it really rape? Or did I feel so guilty that I had told myself it was. Our counselor then brought it up. He said “I saw that you said you were abused. I dont know what happened but i know it still effects you. you have an extremely low self-esteem, your biggest fear is that your fiance will leave you, and you dont feel worthy.” He then proceeded to tell me how God loved me. that it isn’t my fault. That it was stolen from me and I burst into tears. The first time ever.
But after al that I still am doubting myself. Although I said no, I didn’t cry out and try to defend myself. Is it still rape? What happened to me? Was it partially my fault for drinking?
Sorry I know it’s not a fun topic, but I dont feel comfortable talking to people I know in real life and I need some answers.