(Closed) Was I raped?

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
Member
129 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

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@Bella88:Liquor was not the issue here. Some CREEP who was too insecure to swoon a girl and who decidied to take advantage of someone against their will is the issue, not alcohol. Her having a drink does NOT in anyway mean that she deserves to be violated.

Post # 48
Member
1572 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

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@Bella88: I’m a little bothered by saying that people need to say no to liquor no matter what. If the OP was sober, only had a glass of wine, or was blacked out, it doesn’t matter. it was still rape. While alcohol is present in the majority of date rapes, it isn’t an excuse and can also lead to victim blaming (I hate hate hate when alcohol is brought up in court – and I’ve worked over 40 cases in court as an advocate).

Post # 49
Member
311 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I would like to point out that the OP even said that she had previously told this creep that she was a virgin and wasn’t ready for that step.  He knew that she didn’t want to have sex and he made his choice to force her to do so.  OP, you said no while he was doing it and she said no a week before he tried it.  He knew better.  He should be in jail.  It is not your fault.  Do not feel guilty for something that you had no control over. 

Saying that someone shouldn’t drink at all no matter what is really out there. Many people drink socially and one glass of wine will not make a person black out drunk. 

Post # 50
Member
304 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@hisgoosiegirl: where the hell did you end up with grammatical vs what i said?? gosh i love it how i can say one word and all of you jump on what i say and forget about the problem; but deal with i say :)))

 

i think drinking is wrong; and i feel sorry for what happened to the rape victim.. my god some of you make me laugh,Money Mouthlets not worry about what i say; lets worry about the victim here.god forbid if i say this is what will and might happen if you drink; move on ladies.

Post # 51
Member
5295 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1993

@Bella88:

I’m sure many other posters would agree with me that your writing style is very difficult to read. You were ‘jumped on’ because you said that the OP must be ‘unconfident’ and put herself in a situation that allowed her to be raped. That was extremely offensive to me and several others, as it would appear.

god forbid if i say this is what will and might happen if you drink

You may feel that drinking is wrong – and that’s your prerogative. But saying that you should be expected to be raped if you do, is so completely beyond ridiculous.

Post # 52
Member
3482 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

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@Bella88: Please get it into your head that drinking is not the problem here. The guy who raped the OP could have just as easily slipped something into a glass of water or a soda, it wouldn’t have made a difference. So kindly focus on the real issue here instead of lecturing the OP for being pressured into having a drink.

I don’t care if someone is out of their head on drugs or booze, wearing a micro miniskirt or whatever, that doesn’t give ANYONE the right to take advantage of them. The people out there who have it in them to rape someone are going to find a way to do it whether you have that glass of wine or not, so give it a rest.

Post # 53
Member
79 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

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@Bella88:

Different people view alcohol differently. But I can say that if you have never drank you can not possibly begin to judge how it is supposed to feel. The OP drank, yes. But the majority of people have drank and the majority of people drink before 21! We all make mistakes, some just have worse consequences than others. Also, I doubt the OP knew she would regret it before it happened. She liked and trusted this guy! How was she supposed to know what a creep he truly was? And no- the reason people have not been “jumping all over you” only due to you blaming the alcohol, it’s because you said the OP was ‘unconfident’ and put herself in a situation that allowed her to be raped. How cold hearted is that? Please tell me you have never put yourself in a situation that you soon regretted. It’s life we learn from our mistakes. 

Post # 54
Member
1827 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

honestly i was expecting your post to be entirely different based on the way you worded your first paragraph. i thought there would be a lot of grey area.

after reading it, there was NO grey area.

he knew you didn’t want to drink and were uncomfortable around alcohol. he knew you were a virgin and you weren’t looking to move too fast/be too serious. you even said “no”!

you absolutely were raped, and i’m so sorry. it’s terrifying reading this, as i could see it happening to me or anyone i know. at age 18, with people older than you, it’s so hard to be assertive and say when you’re uncomfortable. you clearly trusted him, i would have as well.

i’m so glad to hear you’re getting counseling, though. i wish you and your fiance all the best!

Post # 55
Member
4149 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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@hisgoosiegirl: Agree 100%.  I’m so bothered by that statement (“god forbid if i say this is what will and might happen if you drink”) – not only is this placing blame on the victim, but it is a gross exaggeration and unwarranted judgment.

OP, you were raped and I am so sorry you went through this experience and all of the questioning yourself that followed it.  I think counseling is a great idea and really can work wonders, especially in situations like this.  Please don’t ever blame yourself or think you did something to bring this on – you absolutely did not.  

Post # 56
Member
91 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I am extremely sorry for what has happened to you.  Reading your story brought me back to a time when something similar happened to me.  You cannot pass out after having one drink.  Even though it was your first.  I would say yes, if you said no at any point in time, then it is rape.  It’s not your fault, because you didn’t know anything bad was going to happen.  Guys shouldn’t have sex with any girl who is passed out drunk!  You kind of trusted him, and he betrayed you.  I’m glad you’re getting counseling.  Keep your head up.  Remember that you ARE worth it!  You are engaged to someone to loves you.  Commitment is one of the hardest things for men.  They don’t just pick anyone.  They pick someone who they want to spend the rest of their life with, and he pick YOU.  I hope that as time goes on, your heart will heal from this.  <3

Post # 57
Member
2819 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

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@Bella88: http://feministlawprofessors.com/?p=12965

I’m not trying to jump on you, because I agree that overconsumption of alcohol is not a smart decision, and I think I understand what you were saying (that people should be careful when consuming substances that have effects on their mental state) but the issue that most other posters are having with your statement is that it victim-blames. No matter what the OP did, if she was incompetent to make the decision to have sex, said no before & during the sex, and had previously made it clear that she was not ready to have sex, then it was NOT. HER. FAULT. It is the responsibility of each person engaged in a sexual act to ensure that it remains consensual throughout. If the OP drank an entire bottle of wine with an ecstacy chaser, smoked two joints, did a line of coke, and shot up with meth just for good measure, and someone had sex with her when she was incoherently babbling at them to f*ck her, it would still be rape, because legally she was not competent enough to consent.

Post # 58
Member
1092 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Bella88 Why would you say:

sorry about what happened. and one more reason WHY PEOPLE NEED TO SAY NO TO LIQUOR NO MATTER WHAT YOUR AGE IS.

I can understand being careful when you’re out at a bar/club/party not to leave your drink unattended or being offered a drink that you didn’t watch it actually being made but to say that being raped is another reason why people need to say no to liquor doesn’t make sence. I know this is your opinion but to say that people can’t have a glass of wine with dinner, a few beers with co-workers after work or celebrating an event isn’t very realistic. If you’re underage, forced to or drink and drive then I have a problem with that.

If you’re a responsible adult then it’s that persons choice and I say “Bottom’s UP”!!!!

Post # 59
Member
1092 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

hidden3713 I forgot to add…. I am so sorry you had to experience something like this. I pray that you get the support you need, that God comforts you and gives you strength. We’re here if you need us and I’m sure I speak for all the bee’s.

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