Was I really just stupid? Need advice

posted 3 weeks ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
296 posts
Helper bee

Why did you date someone who you knew wasn’t actually divorced from the beginning is the better question.

Post # 3
Member
957 posts
Busy bee

When the answer you got to “Are you married?” wasn’t a clear cut and immediate “no” would have made me move right along, bee.  I’m sorry.  The fact of the matter is that it doesn’t sound like you can trust him.  It’s irrelevant that he “wasn’t even getting sex” and “wasn’t being careful” – sometimes cheaters like the thrill of possibly getting caught or doing something illicit with someone other than their wife.  You may very well have been entertainment for him, or a challenge, given that you’re 20 years younger.  I would treat him with cold but appropriate politeness at work as you would with any work acquaintance and move along – he sounds like a creep.

Post # 4
Member
3628 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
@modbrillcutbride:  divorce can take years.  Dating while going through a divorce is completely fine.

OP, there could be a million things going on.  Sure, he could have lied to you about going through a divorce and is hunkered down with his family and no longer has time to chat with his girlfriend, but it could also be that he just lost interest. 

Either way, it’s probably time to move on from him.

Post # 5
Member
296 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
@sharpshooter:  Divorce does not take years unless it’s incredibly bitter and drawn out. And if it was incredibly bitter and drawn out, that should be a red flag. I have been divorced. You should absolutely not date someone (by this I mean be in a committed relationship) who says they’re separated but is not divorced because you never know for 100% that reconciliation is not an option.

Post # 6
Member
1081 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Women get sucked into these situations all the time. Married man says divorce in works. Even if it is it is too messy of a situation to step into. In the future tell man like this to come back and see you when divorce is final.

No excuse for him to just stop communicating. Tell him so and then tell him good bye

Post # 7
Member
1935 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

View original reply
@papercut2020:  I’m not going to jump down your throat bee because we are ALL guilty of doing stupid things.  Now to answer your questions:

Yes I think he semi lied to you, meaning he mixed the truth with lies….makes lies easier to remember.

Something happened between the last time you saw him and now.  Maybe his wife caught him and has him by the balls, maybe he met someone he liked better or maybe someone at work got a hold of him.  It doesn’t really matter.  What does matter is that he ghosted you and is now cold towards you.  He’s playing games and messing with your head. You don’t need that in your life and don’t expect to get closure from this as he’s clearly not in the business of being honest and straightforward.

You’ve now learned about avoiding love in the workplace.  It gets real awkward when things don’t work out. It also matters that you’ve learned a lesson about seperated men…..if they’re not fully divorced then you don’t get involved until those papers are signed, sealed and delivered.  You need to make that very clear in the future.  

Soooo what do you do now?   Walk. the. hell. away!  Act just as aloof towards him but remain professional….it is a workplace.  Find someone who shows that they have integrity.

Post # 8
Member
3628 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
@modbrillcutbride:  that is just not true.  I’ve also been divorced and it took over a year and it was amicable.  

Post # 9
Member
296 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
@sharpshooter:  Just want to point out over a year is not “years” and it’s not hard to wait a year to date after a marriage. Anyway, I’m not gonna argue semantics so I’ll just agree to disagree with you. 

Also OP, I forgot to say I do not think you’re “really just stupid” I just don’t think you should waste anymore of your time on this dude.

Post # 10
Member
444 posts
Helper bee

(Pp’s – for the record, my divorce took 6 months)

OP, we can all speculate all day long, but you’d probably get a better answer by just asking him.  (“Hey I’ve noticed a change in our interactions, what gives? Did I miss something?”). We so far have no real evidence that he’s lied to you yet.

Unfortunately, I think you’ve learned the hard way that there are 2 people you probably shouldn’t date – married people (regardless of the state or stage of their marriage) and coworkers.  As an aside, I find it a little odd that you asked him on your first date whether he was married.  Seems to me you should know the answer to that before agreeing to go on a date.  

Good luck to you and I’m sorry you are feeling hurt and confused.

Post # 11
Member
354 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
@papercut2020:  If you know where he lives (like the county he lives in) go to that county website and see if you can find court records of divorces. (just read that you might not be from US) Hope you get some resolution

Post # 12
Member
1302 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Even if it’s fine for the still-married person to want to go out and seek a new partner, that doesn’t mean it’s smart for you to get mixed up with them.  Just say no to dating anyone who has a wife.

Post # 14
Member
354 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
@papercut2020:  Is there a chance that he became ill? Or Perhaps his soon to be ex, and he felt like he should take care of her?  Just a thought…

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