Was I really just stupid? Need advice

posted 3 weeks ago in Relationships
Post # 46
4057 posts
Honey bee

Why would you want him to reach out? I get that you had a couple nice dates, but my God, he is showing you that he is not a guy with any integrity. He also clearly doesn’t give a crap about your feelings to leave you hanging with cryptic responses..at 54 years old. Let him go bee, he sucks.

Post # 47
11390 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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In the US, divorces in which there are complex property and/or business interests can take years to resolve, even if the divorcing spouses are not out to murder each other.

The rights and interests of outside parties could be involved and must be protected, complicated business enterprises have to be valued to establish relative contributions during the marriage, properties have to be appraised, possibly sold; commercial properties get far more difficult because leases have to be examined by people who understand things like net-net and triple-net.

Commercial properties can literally sit in escrow for *years* waiting for all terms and conditions to be cleared and for buyers to wrangle adequate types of financing. That’s assuming nobody runs into government roadblocks with zoning changes, building regs, etc.

Anyone who seriously believes that divorces can only take years if it’s being intentionally dragged out lives in a marvelously simple little fantasy world.

These types of divorces can require battalions of accountants and lawyers, even when everyone is friendly.  

Post # 48
11390 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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Bee, you’re inserting a lot of what you *think* is going on with this guy.  None of that is factual.  

You’re speculating on what’s going on in his life.  That’s not what a relationship looks like.

You’re actually putting on evidence, hoping to prove to us that what he’s told you is the truth.

That’s way too much unilateral effort to try to breathe life into this whateverthehellitis.  There is no relationship, Bee.  Whether there ever was the potential for one, who knows.  But, right now, there’s nothing.  Let it go.  You’ll be a lot happier with someone who has a lot less baggage and more transparency.


ETA: Just read the ”dilemma” part, Bee. What a self-absorbed Drama Queen.  That was a shit move.  He’s playing games with you, Bee.  Block and move on.  Not one positive thing has come out of this for you and nothing ever will.  He’s probably jerking a few other beautiful young things around, too.  Just for sport.

Post # 50
7325 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I just wish I knew why I suffer so much

Tough love: You will suffer less if you stop accepting shitty behavior from shitty men. Love yourself enough to walk away when it becomes apparent instead of fantasizing about something that isn’t there. 

Post # 51
6915 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

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@papercut2020:  “At first, he kept starring at me, talking, joking around.”

Were you…joking around with him…? I’ll be honest Bee, with all your updates it sounds like you were really hoping he’d come back into town, say he’d been a complete jerk, and ask you to forgive him and start dating him again. Like you still wanted some fairy tale ending. You were still holding out hope for him. 

THAT is why you “suffer so much.” Because you were refusing to take the advice of all the Bees here and see what was staring you in the face this whole time: this guy was not great. Not at all.

Post # 52
919 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

The man hasn’t dated in 30 years. At 54, the last time he was not married he was 24 and in a relationship, who knows how long they dated before getting married. So he probably has no real skills in ending things.

While you would love some sort of explanation. He isn’t at a place in life where he has those skills.

I wouldn’t say or text anything more.

But I will say with everything going on in his life right now this has nothing to do with you. It’s not personal, he just can’t right now. I was even kind of a shit friend when I was getting divorced. It was a lot to show up for myself let alone anyone else and I wasn’t married for 30 years.

Just take the hint and let him go. If he wanted to talk or reach out he would.

Post # 54
383 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Rossino Castle

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@modbrillcutbride:  my divorce took 3 and a half years. I met the love of my life, and actual husband, during that time. Sometimes the bureaucracy takes years, but you can’t pause your life, because you might very well lose out on tons of opportunities. 

Post # 55
1196 posts
Bumble bee

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@Comealongpond:  I don’t think your experience is inconsistent with the recommendation not to date individuals who are not yet divorced. While it was in your best interest to continue dating while your divorced was processing, ex ante, it may not be in someone else’s best interest to date someone who is not yet divorced, given the potential for additional complication and the plethora of other options.

Post # 56
4902 posts
Honey bee

Honestly, after reading all these posts and the married/separated dating debate, I’m really surprised no one is honing in on an issue that’s just as big…you’re coworkers.

Don’t shit where you eat.

The fact that he’s your coworker should have been reason enough alone for you to say no from Day 1.  Dating your coworkers is a bad bad idea because as you see – when things get hard or messy or end, you still have to cordially interact with them and be a professional.  Just.  Say.  No.  To.  Dating.  Coworkers.

So be the mature grown-up here and end his dilemma for him by just saying goodbye to him in every respect but a professional capacity.  Because I’m assuming you would like to be viewed as a capable, professional woman in your workplace who doesn’t treat the office like her own personal dating pool and bring her personal drama to work.  And right now you’re failing miserably at that because you’ve already called in sick to work to avoid him once because of your personal involvement here.  Don’t let him drag you down.  Do yourself a favor and just pull the plug since he can’t.  I promise you the wishy-washy still married 50 year old with shitty communication skills who gives you the cold shoulder when things get hard is not your soul mate.  You’ll be ok.  Stop caring about his reasoning or what his dilemma is or what he needs to think about – it doesn’t matter because you should be the professional grown-up here and make it all a moot point.  Want better for yourself.  Either stop responding or just end it for good.

“Guy, sorry you are dealing with a dilemma.  However, after some reflection about the last few weeks, I just don’t think this is going to work out and mixing a personal relationship with our professional one isn’t in our best interests.  I wish you luck in sorting out whatever you need to think about.”

Post # 57
1209 posts
Bumble bee

I’m sorry this is happening bee. Try not to be hard on yourself, you liked him and envisioned all these things in your head and instead he just went cold. It happens. 

Ultimately you need closure. It will either just take time, or you to tell him exactly what you think about the situation then move on. Is there some reason you haven’t told him you’re disappointed and annoyed and didn’t appreciate being ghosted? It might make you feel better and give you closure. I’m not sure if the nature of his role at work with yours and whether it could affect your job though. But sometimes it gives you closure to tell someone how their behaviour affected you if you’re finding yourself “stuck” and unable to move forwards. xo

Post # 58
721 posts
Busy bee

I disagree with the above post. You don’t need closure, you need to just cut him out 100% and move on with your life. Block his number and if you ever have to interact with him at work, act cordial and professional but that’s it. Do not waste another moment thinking about him – it’s not worth it. I’ve been in a similar situation (not with the divorce/separation but with a guy suddenly going cold) and at the time I wished I knew the reason but now that I’m older I’ve realised I don’t need the reason – the reason is that he just isn’t that into you. It sounds harsh and it hurts but don’t take it personally. Trust me, there are much better guys out there (who aren’t in the midst of a separation) that will appreciate you and treat you the way you deserve. Just block him and in future stick to dating guys you don’t work with.

Post # 59
170 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

what I am having a hard time with is wondering whether or not he really liked me and might reach out once he’s divorced and ready.

OH NO. Oh honey. No. No. No.

The two of you are both emotionally dishonest people. I don’t mean this unkindly, and I think you’re on your way to fixing your issue, but by that I mean you lie to yourself and others about the emotions you feel. And while I think he’s a complete jerk, when I read back on what happened it doesn’t sound like he promised you anything than a few dates. You had this very intense several dates and had plans for 2 more dates before the pandemic.

You didn’t have a relationship. I can’t overstate that enough. He can treat you poorly, but he can’t have left you because he wasn’t ever really in a relationship with you. I bet he implied all kinds of things, but you’re lying yourself when you think feeling all the passion and maye some hints, has anything to do with what you can reasonably expect in the future.  Reading between the lines I bet he said things like “oh you’re so special and amazing and nothing like my wife, I wish we met when i was young?” or something else like that, implied you were unique and mindblowing, without saying he actually planned to value you. And thats why you’re so hurt right now.

Its clear you built up an entire expectation that him having marital difficulties, you and him having a connection and him planning out an additional 2 dates equaled both that he would leave his wife AND that once that happened he’d pick you. You got so far ahead of yourself that it feels like your boyfriend dumped you, when he was never even your boyfriend. It doesn’t even say you were exclusive. Replay the tape and go over what he promised.

He’s a complete jerk for dragging someone much younger into the middle of a disintegrating relationship, especially when it could impact your career. It’s incredibly selfish of him. It’s selfish of him to keep provoking you with all these weak texts. He loves all the attention you’re giving him.  People do very selfish things when they divorce. Lots of people can’t move on from a failing relationship without the push of some kind of new relationship, but lots of those relationships don’t last. He’s a jerk for not breaking it off with you cleanly.

Do not wait around for this mess to resolve itself. Be VERY BLUNT and honest with yourself that you built a stranger up into a prince charming despite many many warning signs admit you didn’t really know him that well. Note that your brain and your heart can gang up on you and lie to you, and learn from that. Note when someone gives you a compliment it doesn’t mean that anything comes out of it. If someone is like “I have been wanting to kiss you FOREVER, oh my god you’re amazing, I’m so happy with you” that might be true but doens’t necessarily mean “and I’m going to leave my wife”. The person has to say that last bit out loud and even then…could be bullshit.

You deserve so much better. You did nothing wrong (you made some unwise choices, but you didn’t do anything really WRONG), and there’s nothing wrong with you that a semi-married guy didn’t completely leave his wife for you. I think being able to fall head over heels is great too- it can be so nice to know that depth of passion exists inside you even if this relationship isn’t the one that you should be in. Go find someone who is worth giving all your passion to.

There’s an article out there online somewhere titled “Dick Is Abundant and Low Value”. I always think of it when some lovely woman is like, “what did I do wrong that this hot piece of trash didn’t love me?” There are plenty of men out there, and many of them are perfectly decent. Do not get tricked into thinking like, “I have to be perfect because good men are SUPER SCARCE and I’m RUNNING OUT OF TIME” and then desperately try to find love with some damaged old dude who has only ever been with one person for 30 years. Dudes are dudes. Its a terrible mistake to think that older guys are like…wiser or mature and won’t play dumb games. Older guys might have nicer clothing and manners and seem like they have life experience but they also grew up in a less progressive time. A 50 year old guy’s childhood was in the 1970s, that was not a particularly mature era. Younger dudes might at least be like “oh yeah i’ve always known about the second shift, third wave feminism, and emotional labor and enthusiastic consent” .  The level of childish game playing in people you date is set by each person. Seriousness in romance has nothing to do with age.

Post # 60
2 posts

 Since he wasn’t direct about his divorce, assume he is still married. Of course due to the lockdown he is stuck at home with his wife, and it is illogical to think he would call/text you with her nearby. Trust me, years ago I fell in love with this guy who was engaged. The only reason I kept engaging with him was because he kept saying things that made it seem like they wouldn’t really get married. One of my biggest regrets but glad I learned at 19 years old. Men will sweet talk around the truth just to string you along. Their lack of commitment to you has nothing to do with your worth or value, but with their maturity and integrity. Try not to waste another second stressing over him and move on. You deserve better!

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