Was I sexually taken advantage of?

posted 7 months ago in Intimacy
Post # 2
Member
991 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2019 - City, State

I think that YOU are the only person who can truly decide that. Asking people who were not there will not help you, and will only confuse you further.

Post # 3
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

I am sorry you are going through this and had this happen to you. I haven’t had anything like what your describing happen to me, but I have hooked up while super drunk when I was younger and wonderd about it a bit, and where the line really was with consent when under the influence. From my limited experience Im not sure if it would help you to try to figure out what it really was. Im not sure there is a way to know for sure, and im not sure it would help you to keep straining to think back and figure it out. All I can suggest is, if this is really bothering you, go see a councilor about it. Maybe that would help you sort through this in a constructive way with someone who deals with this more often. Lots of hugs bee. 

Post # 4
Member
5720 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

Based on what you have said it does sound like you were taken advantage of. 

Post # 5
Member
298 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: London

Im so sorry you had that experience. Unfortunatly i dont know how much advice i have but i had exactly the same thing happen to me about 3 years ago. 

I am a believer that if someone is not in a fit state to say yes, then even if it was said it isnt permission. Its like asking someone to write a cheque for £1,000 while theyre really drunk, theyll probably say yes because theyre not with it, but do they mean it? Are they in a fit state of mind to make that decision? No. 

I personally found seeking some professional help helped me work through a lot of the guilt and issues i found from it. 

As far as im concerned its rape, but i know not everyone is as black and white as me. 

No amount of booze gives anyone a right to take advantage or do something morally corrupt. 

Post # 6
Member
4206 posts
Honey bee

Alcohol is a huge factor in many sexual assaults. In my opinion, yes you were taken advantage of. You were drunk and in no condition to say yes or no. This is why before my son went to college I told him never to have sex with drunk girls because even if they give consent they might forget they did. It’s just not worth the risk. 

I’m sorry this happened to you.

Post # 7
Member
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: London, UK

He had sex with you despite the fact that you were not even fully conscious and were in no fit state to (unambiguously) consent? That, surely, is rape. I’m sorry this happened to you xx

Post # 8
Member
4921 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

Maybe, maybe not. Was he drunk and high? Is your memory of it clear, 10 years after? Have you thought about this event a lot since? So many issues here. Are you going to report it?

Post # 9
Member
2290 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

It gets dicey because people use “blacking out” and “passing out” interchangeably. And they mean very different things. When you black out, that refers to not remembering part of a time when you were conscious. You could be walking, talking, engaging, and have no memory of that time. It has happened to me before and it was very scary to be missing entire pieces of the night, but I was awake when it happened. Luckily, nothing really bad happened. Passing out on the other hand- you’re not awake. Someone could conceivably verbally consent to sex while in a black out state and truly not remember it (either the sex or consenting). On the other hand, someone could be pass out drunk and be raped while unconscious.

 

You were sleeping. Even if he asked you (which we don’t know that he did), you were clearly in an altered state. Even if you did verbally consent, if he had to wake you up to ask, I’d say that was taking advantage, at absolute best. I’m sorry this happened to you.

Post # 10
Member
323 posts
Helper bee

Yes, I think you were. Sorry. 

Post # 11
Member
378 posts
Helper bee

IMO… it sounds like you were based on what you described. Whether or not you would be able to prove it may be another story. If you needed to… that is.

Post # 13
Member
4532 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

caligirl3 : If he was the type of guy to go around bragging about what happened with you to others, he doesn’t sound like the kind of guy to really be  respectful about asking for consent or respect the fact that you were not in your full faculities and able to genuinely consent to any kind of sexual advances.

Sorry OP but I’d highly doubt this guy was truthful as to what happened that night and he sounds like someone who would take advantage of your state. I’d bet my house that he’s done this to other women out there too. The whole point that this doesn’t sit well with you and that you have niggling doubts over a decade later, says a lot. Sorry this happened to you OP.  

Post # 14
Member
1096 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

If it’s affecting your sex life 10 years later then I strongly suggest therapy. You were most certainly taken advantage of.  

Post # 15
Member
930 posts
Busy bee

caligirl3 :  WTH

Who goes and says “you said yes” knowing damn well you are not in a conscious state of mind? And knowing youre sleeping/passing out? I think he wouldve known if you were actively having sex with him..

 

This pisses me off. 

ETA: Sorry, but you were taken advantage of. The guy raped you. You have to be in a conscious state of mind when you agree to sex. Otherwise, it’s all invalidated. 

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