(Closed) Was I wrong to end things?

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
277 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@ClassyCuse: I think you need to trust yourself and your instincts!!! We can’t tell you here whether you were right or wrong to do it. And truth is, I don’t even think there’s always a “right or wrong”. All they are are choices, you’ve seen behaviours you’re not willing to accept and you decided that wasn’t for you.

 

Sounds very reasonable, IMHO!

Post # 4
Member
3762 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Sounds very reasonable to trust your instinct.  You tried counseling, talking to friends, reading books, and you still didn’t feel right so I think you did the right thing.  Its also good to realize that just because you get married doesn’t mean he’s suddenly going to turn into a man.  If he’s still out flirty and acting like a tool, that isn’t going to change just because he has a wife. 

Post # 5
Member
6394 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

It does sound like you’re much happier now that you’re out of the relationship, and that’s definitely a good sign!

Post # 6
Member
1854 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I’m sorry, but no one can tell you what you should do / should have done with your relationship…

The bottom line is: Do you love him? Do you think the problems between you two can be solved? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him – meaning you will have to work through all sorts of problems as the years go by?

It’s not about if you overreacted over details you don’t like; if you dislike the details enough to not want to marry him, then that’s what counts. Better ask yourself these questions now than after marrying him!

Post # 8
Member
1556 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

As the previous posters have noted, we aren’t there, we don’t know you or him, and we really can’t tell you whether or not you did the right thing.  But it sounds like was not an impulsive decision on your part. You seem to have given it much thought and put a lot of work into your decision.  Sometimes, decisions based on instinct are very difficult, because the rational part of our brain looks for data. (What are the concrete reasons for my decision?) while instinct is just eating away at us.

Anyway, it is always (imo anyway) better to err on the side of caution.  You have doubts.  It doesn’t make sense to enter a marriage with hesitation.  You want to know beyond the shadow of a doubt that you are doing the right thing on your wedding day — and he deserves a bride that is sure of that too.

If, in the future, you find you cannot live without him, and find that his flaws are something you can live with (they all have them..the key is finding flaws you can live with), or if he matures and changes his behavior, you can always marry later. There is no reason why if you both feel differently in year (or whenever) that that can’t be an option later.  Breaking off an engagement now doesn’t have to mean that he is never again part of your life (though maybe temporarily you may need some distance)…..or that you won’t ever be engaged in the future. 

Post # 9
Member
192 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I think only you are the one who can truly know. But I think that one of the best tools in a relationship is your gut feeling. If you don’t feel right about something than chances are someting is wrong.  However from reading your story it didn’t sound like your relationship was completely un-mendable.  If you want him back that is 🙂

Post # 10
Member
4137 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

trust your instincts, and move on with that choice. we can’t tell you what to do!

Post # 11
Member
1296 posts
Bumble bee

I think if you felt like it wasn’t right to you then you were right to go with you gut and call things off.  It’s better now then later if you were to get married and realized you made a mistake.  You didn’t like the fact that he flirted and that’s ok what’s the point in being engaged if your going to act like that.  I wish you the best in the future and I think you did the right thing for you.

Post # 12
Member
186 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Although I wouldn’t take the lap dance thing to seriously. As long as it was just a bach party and not a regular basis. but follow your heart.

Post # 13
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

It sounds like you made the right choice! We can’t tell you yes/no, but following your instincts is always a great thing 🙂

Post # 14
Member
1480 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Welcome to weddingbee!

I agree with the others, you’ve got to trust your instincts. Something was telling you the relationship wasn’t right. You did your due diligence by trying to work out your feelings through counseling, reading, and talking to others. It doesn’t sound like cold feet or a knee-jerk reaction to me. In my opinion it sounds like you did the right thing. It must not have been easy. I hope you have the support of your friends and family (it sounds like at least some of them saw the red flags too), and take good care of yourself.

*Hugs*

Post # 16
Member
1854 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

To your question: did you overreact? I don’t know the answer to that.

But I will ask: did he know your expectations/feelings about strip club activities prior to going and getting the lap dance? Knowing that it bothered you that much, would he do it again or respect your feelings?

Yeah, he should know better than to go and get a lap dance while he’s in a relationship. It was stupid of him. Stupid enough to not build a life with him? Did he screw up bad, or is it who he is and will be? Only you can answer that.

Better answer it now than after you are married.

For me, I guess it would all depend on his reactions to my feelings about it, and on how he can take responsibility for his actions and work through it with me. Trust can be rebuilt; but it depends on your ability to let go and on his behaviour after.

Some people are able to work through cheating and be happy after, some others slam the door and never look back. It really depends on each situation and the people involved in it. We’re not you, so we can’t tell you what’s right or wrong in your particular situation. Search within yourself and trust your instincts. Down the road, make the decision that will have you say that you have no regrets.

Best wishes

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