(Closed) Was it a mistake?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
4810 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

View original reply
whythisfeeling:   His refusal to talk to you is childish and won’t solve any issues.  Communication and fairness is so important.  

Would you both consider couples counseling?  That might help you to communicate and with luck get beyond this feeling of having made a mistake.

How long have you two known each other?

Post # 3
Member
1041 posts
Bumble bee

I think that it’s normal after being preoccupied with a wedding, planning a fabulous party and stress of losing a job that you are coming back into reality. I’d relax and try to settle into new life. Maybe take a weekend getaway with a girlfriend. Or spend time with your family will give you better perspective. If you get out of debt and get back on track and still feel the way you feel Id pursue couples counseling.  Keep us posted. I think this is a great thread for newlyweds who may have gone through, or will go through, exactly ehar your feeling. 

Post # 4
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Were you having serious doubts pre-wedding? Did you hash it out?  My guess for answers is yes to the first, no to the second, which worries me.  

If these are new feelings, then you may have got the pre weddig jitters a little late, and likely have nothing to worry about!

Post # 5
Member
2092 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Sorry you’re feeling this way, it’s never fun to have a fight with someone you love.

All relationships go through hard times, regardless of age. What makes the relationship strong however is how you grow from these hard times. Sometimes couples aren’t able to resolve their issues and are better separate. However, your fight is pretty recent so from my outside opinion I think you guys should just cool off, have a little space, and talk about it once things have simmered down. Think about the reasons why you fell in love in the first place. Once you pay off the debt I’m sure not having that financial burden on your shoulders will relieve some of the tension.

I truly wish you two the best of luck.

Post # 7
Member
1165 posts
Bumble bee

My own belief:  People learn from experience and repetitive results.

Analysis:  First of all, I want to say that anytime there’s no communication between lovers, I felt really sorry for them because for me talking is a major foundation of any relationship.  Back to your topic, maybe your SO got used to this per prior experience.  For example, in the last 7 years, when you are being unreasonable, he learned to shut you off communication to (1) de-escalate the argument, (2) contain his words so he won’t hurt you even more, and (3) calm both of you down. 

Because he learned from experience, now every argument will be treated this way.  It’s the way it was before, so in his mind, it’s the way it is now.  You haven’t actively tried to change this before right? 

Conclusion and Suggestion: When I was with my former, I was a shut off consistently.  He learned that it’s one way to sweep our arguments and my concerns under the rug.  He actually made me believe that I’m just immature and age will calm down my concerns.  Needless to say, 10 years later, I realized I was pretty stupid when I was young.  I believed his age = wisdowm (we had a 11 year gap) and I felt like I needed to be the follower. 

Not anymore.  With my new SO, we just started dating in November, and I stressed COMMUNICATION and EXPECTATION like there’s no tomorrow.  He will expect me to do things, and I will do them.  And I expect things from him, and he will do them.  Every 3 months or so we do a “check up”.  I ask him how he feels, any areas I can help him more, concerns about our future, etc.  This is like a quick 5-minute, unless he has major concerns for me.  WORKED WONDERS for us.  Now we are on the same page at all times. 

 

Good luck OP!

Post # 8
Member
70 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

The only thing that worries me is that he stops communicating when he thinks you’re being unreasonable. That, besides being a but condescending to you, “unreasonable” is a word someone uses to describe someone who is not capable of logical thought. Communication is so important in working out marital issues and finances can cause many arguments. But other than that, because you’ve never had worries like this, I would give it a little time to settle down and see how you feel. Even after having been together as long as you have, marriage can be a jarring transition. Try not to be too hard on yourself.

Post # 9
Member
2762 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I think for most people there’s a moment after the wedding (be it after an argument, before a major purchase, when the first major problem hits, etc) where it kinds hits you all of a sudden “holy mother of God…we’re married now.”

Usually on these threads people ask about the positive “wow I’m married!” moments, but the truth is there’s usually a negative “holy shit I’m married,” moment too. 3 days into your honeymoon you experienced that. The truth is that when you choose a life partner you’re choosing whom you’ll get married with, have babies with (unless you’re CFBC), grow old with…all of that sounds really nice right? You’re also choosing the person you’ll go through poverty with, a major illness most likely, traumatic events and/or deaths of your nearest and dearest, living with your in laws for an indefinite period, miscarriages, etc. Doesnt sound like all unicorns and rainbows anymore right? 

What I’m getting at is this: you signed up for the long haul and disagreements, major disappointments, and wondering whether you made mistakeS constantly. It’s worrisome that you guys havent figured out how to communicate better, but if you’re both willing, there are ways to manage that. If you’re not both willing to put in the effort as newlyweds, well,THATS when I’d seriously reconsider the marriage. Otherwise it’s just growing pains Bee.

Post # 10
Member
11381 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

I think it’s natural to freak a little bit after the party is over. This communication style didn’t bother you before, so even though t seems troubling that he shuts you off, I think this might just be the post wedding let down a lot of bees talk about. 

and it wouldn’t hurt to talk to him about how you would like difficult talks to go, after this passes. 

Post # 11
Member
2200 posts
Buzzing bee

He was giving you the silent treatment on your honeymoon??? You should try counseling, that behavior is very emotionally damaging and difficult to get the person giving the treatment to change. It is about control.

Post # 12
Member
238 posts
Helper bee

I don’t think that having second thoughts is abnormal. Marriage is a really big deal and if y’all are arguing a lot, then it’s easy to forget the good times and how happy he makes you. Being in debt $1,000 is nothing to worry about. You’ll have it paid off in no time and a year from now won’t even remember it. Just try to keep the lines of communication open and be honest with him about how you feel without yelling or accusing. Make a date night, too, and reconnect and bond with him. I think what you’re feeling is normal and nothing to worry about.

Post # 13
Member
2155 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

View original reply
whythisfeeling:  If it helps, we had loads of arguments after the wedding and I sometimes felt really upset, like ”this is meant to be a happy time”. I think that as you said, it was a bit of a ”hey, we’re married now” shock. But it went away after a couple of months and I couldn’t be happier that I married him. 

My uncle also apparently nearly got divorced on his honeymoon.. they had a horrible time and kept arguing. 

So my advice is – don’t worry about it for now, just give it time 🙂

Post # 14
Member
10093 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

 

 

View original reply
thegrandinquisitor:  I  agree with you – but  with the proviso  that the  OP deals post haste with  this tendency of the Fiance to go silent at what he calls “unreasonable ” by which he almost certainly  means “when you don’t agree with me ” .

OOh this infuriating  belief that  many men have during disagreements, of labelling their position  logic and rationale and your position emotion and unreason , Grrr !

Post # 15
Member
2729 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

You had a small argument. You’re having slight money troubles right now (that will be cleared up in 2 weeks). If you’re doubting your marriage with such tiny problems in the grand scheme of life, then maybe you SHOULD rethink things. Had you never fought before? Never had ANY issues? I don’t think a small argument should have you heading for the hills of divorce already. Try to let things settle, have a calm conversation with him (who knows, maybe you are being “unreasonable” in your approach to the issue. How have you handled it with him thus far? Does he have any valid points that you are disregarding?)

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