Was it rape?

posted 12 months ago in Legal
Post # 16
Member
1048 posts
Bumble bee

“I finally gave in and allowed it”

From your description, no it was not. Regret over allowing sex is not the same as rape.

Post # 17
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

ijustdontknow :  I think the sad truth is at some point most women have been a little bit raped. What I mean is, most of us have an experience where we wanted to hookup and then changed our minds, or got too drunk and we still went along with it but deeply regretted it afterwards. I hope that when I have kids I can instill in them enough courage to say no even in the middle of sex. I think from the details you have given it wasn’t rape. Wish you all the best. Maybe in this situation adoption is an option? Just a thought. 

Post # 18
Member
26 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2017

ijustdontknow :  I’m confused. You didn’t think it was rape until your friend said so. Are you now trying to figure out if you can make the accusation to harm him and his relationship with your child?

Post # 19
Member
4398 posts
Honey bee

At the very minimum, you had bad unenthusiastic sex

I have to wonder what does it matter at this point?

You went weeks to months not believing it was rape until someone suggested it.  Now you are pregnant.  How did that change the sex you had?

Are you going to abort now that you think it might be rape?  

Are you going to press charges now that you are pregnant from this sexual activity?

Are you going to withhold visitation or knowledge of the child from the father now that a friend suggested the sexual encounter you previously didn’t state was rape is rape?

What has actually changed because of the semantics you are assigning to this sexual encounter?

At this point, you have a child to focus on and need to be looking ahead.  If you feel the encounter was traumatic enough and troubling for you that it is interfering in your ability to live a productive life, you should seek counseling to help you process that.  Otherwise, start preparing for your life as a parent – which means defining your relationship to the child’s father and being firm.  Having a child doesn’t mean you have to get back together.  In fact, I wouldn’t recommend it.  He needs to get healthy and it seems like he only contacts you to use you.  But unfortunately he is now tied to you forever and you will need to sort that out.  This is another area where counseling may be beneficial, as well as a good lawyer to help sort out custody and child support.  

Or if you plan to give the child up for adoption, a good counselor and lawyer will be of use there, too.

Post # 20
Member
283 posts
Helper bee

ijustdontknow :  actually, it’s possible that if you get into a custody battle with him and have made claims of rape with no evidence and months after the fact, it could be seen as a tactic to sully his character.  I’m not trying to say this is what you are doing, just that you what you will get out of reporting him will not in any way benefit you.  Also, making these claims could make him drag you into court as revenge… you know you see and hear this kind of petty stuff all the time.  Don’t antagonize him over this.  Get counseling if you need it,  but practically making a report won’t get you anything.

rape culture sucks man.  And for what it’s worth, I think he’s a dick for coercing sex even though I don’t think it’s legally rape.

Post # 21
Member
127 posts
Blushing bee

ijustdontknow :  

I am not a lawyer, but I work in sexual health and have previously worked at a rape crisis center. The details you gave were extremely vague and so it is difficult to determine much about the situation.

In what sense did he “persist” after you initially refused? What made you “finally give in and allow it”? Did you give a clear yes, or did you just not say no? Once you “gave in”, were you an ethusiasic participant, or did you lie there while he went ahead?

Your answers to these questions, whether or not you choose to share them, may help you to determine how consentual the situation was.

And as pp’s have pointed out, if you realise that the situation was non-consentual it will likely never be prosecuted or factor into any decision regarding his rights as a parent, due to the difficulty of establishing who is telling the truth in a he-said-she-said scenario.

Regardless of this issue, your relationship with this man does not seem to be a healthy one. The fact that he pursued you saying that he wished to get back together, when he actually just wanted money, is telling. I would advise you to consider whether your love for this man is worth the poor treatment, and whether such a person would provide you with what you need from a relationship. Love alone is not enough. 

I hope that you are OK, and wish you all the best. If you do feel distressed by the situation, whether it was consentual or not, I would encourage you to seek professional support.

Post # 22
Member
1770 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I don’t think we have enough detail to determine this.  If you only “allowed it” because he threatened you in some way, then I think it would be fair to consider it rape.  If you went along with it for some other reason, or just didn’t care enough one way or another to bother objecting, then I would say no.  Do you feel like you have been raped?  Did you feel like you were being raped at the time, or just like you had made a bad decision?  The pregnancy shouldn’t change your feelings regardless.  Sometimes, it is good to think of the possible outcomes of decisions we have to make.  For example, what are the possible positive and negative outcomes of accusing him of rape?  What are the possible positive or negative outcomes of not doing so?  Do you want to damage his reputation and limit time with his child?  Do you think he is possibly a danger to others?  Would talking about this experience to law enforcement make you feel better or worse?  We can not answer these questions without knowing him and you.  Sometimes things are not black and white in life and you just have to do the right thing for yourself and the people you care about.  I hope you are able to figure out what that thing is.

Post # 25
Member
2888 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

ijustdontknow :  I’ve been in a very similar situation and understand that you can feel completely shitty and manipulated afterwards but I would still not consider this to be rape.

Sex is complicated. You can not be in the mood one second and then consent in the next. In this situation, it seems like your “giving into it” combined with your statement about “enjoying it beyond your bodies natural response” was consensual. It’s unfortunate that you conceived your child during a confusing lay but if this was truly rape, you would have had a reaction during, not months later when your friend decided it was. 

Post # 27
Member
127 posts
Blushing bee

Acceptable “persistance” = Asking a second time if someone wants to have sex
Unacceptable “persistance” = Undressing someone while they are protesting

Consentual reason for sex = Because you want to have sex
Non-consentual reason for sex = Because you were scared of his reaction if you continued to refuse

Consent = Saying yes either verbally or with enthusiastic participation
Rape = Having intercourse with someone who said no, but has stopped protesting

Good sexual experience = Your partener listens to your needs throughout and both of you feel comfortable with what is happening
Rape = Someone continues to have intercourse with you despite the fact that you are visibly distressed (crying)

 I’m really sorry bee, but the experience you have described is rape according to the law (where I live). However, such cases cannot be proven beyond reasonable doubt in court, since the only evidence is the word of the victim vs. the perpetrator.

 

ETA:

It is not uncommon for victims of spousal/partner rape to not realise or acknowledge that it was rape/abuse until months or years after the fact. Just because you did not consider it rape until your friend questioned it, does not mean that it was consentual. And there was likely a reason you even described the encounter to your friend in the first place.

I have spoken to many women whose intimate partners violated them, but they didn’t acknowledge it or end the relationship at the time because they loved their partners and convinced themselved that it wasn’t rape because they were in a relationship, or they had previously had consentual sex, or they were scared and didn’t say no, or they did something to “provoke” the partner. I have also spoken to women who knew and accepted that it was rape, but stayed anyway because they thought it was ok for their partner to rape them.

It is not ok for someone to pressure you, undress you and have intercourse with you while you are saying no. It is not ok for them to continue because you stopped saying no. It is not ok for them to continue if you are crying and not participating. I’m sorry this happened to you.

Please seek some help OP. Coming to terms with an experience like this is rarely an easy process. Also seek legal advice in area. They will be able to advise you about the law where you live regarding both rape and parental rights of the father.

Post # 28
Member
11858 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

ijustdontknow : 

I can’t tell you if this was rape according to the laws in your state, but I can tell you that you need the help of experts. Call the rape/abuse hotline at RAINN, they can refer you to local help. 

it is very common for abusers to use the threat of suicide to manipulate their victim. 

your immediate problem is how will you right now safely disentangle yourself from this person who clearly is taking advantage of you and using the threat of suicide to control you.

Good luck, bee, and I’m sorry you’re in this position.

Post # 29
Member
42 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2014

i wouldn’t consider this as a rape too, not if you continue persistantly declining what he’s doing to you. but to know that you gave in and allowed him to, i think this is also part of your responsibility

Post # 30
Member
831 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2019 - City, State

As PP’s have said, I do not believe this was rape. You are (assumedly) a grown woman, and can clearly voice “No!” multiple times. If you feared physical violence if you had denied him, that’s one thing. But being “less than enthusiastic” does not rape make – just a lesson learned. Definitely sounds like some sort of abuse, though.

To be clear, that is in no way undermining your emotions right now. You, I, and many other women have had relations that were regretful, but you have the power to make your decision known, and it sounds like you did not do so clearly enough.

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