Post # 1
So our wedding was 10/24/10 and it was a beautiful, perfect, flawless day. Really, more than I ever dreamed of. Everyone went out of their way to tell us what a beautiful ceremony it was and how great the reception was, so a success all around. Very happy.
So last night I’m talking to my brother and he mentions to me that one of my Aunt’s may be put out because I didn’t invite her son’s to the wedding. Apparently, there was some discussion of this among my brother and some other cousins I did invite.
Now, I had thought of inviting these two cousins and would have been happy to have them there but honestly, I don’t really have much of a relationship with them and time sort of got away from me so I never did get around to getting their addresses to send them an invitation. I know that sounds kind of lame, but there you go.
Anyway, my brother seems to think I should say something to my Aunt but honestly, what can I say that wouldn’t just make the situation worse? And seconly, WHY would they tell me this? What purpose did it serve other than to make me feel bad and worry about hurt feelings in the family?
What do you think? Should I call my Aunt and apologize or leave it alone?
Post # 3
Well, it obviously isn’t a big enough deal to your aunt to say something to you about it. Maybe just call her to drop a line and thank her for coming and celebrating with you and if she brings it up, then talk to her about it. If she doesn’t it’s not a big deal to her.
Post # 4
Well, my Aunt and her husband didn’t attend the wedding. They’re elderly and my uncle has been having some health issues lately that prevented them from being able to join us. Another reason I kind of didn’t invite their son’s was when they declined the invitation, I kind of just figured there was no point in inviting the cousins.
My Aunt is not the kind of woman who would ever tell me she was upset or slighted and I don’t even know that she really is – all I know is at the wedding, it came up between my brother and my other cousins that these particular cousins weren’t invited.
Crap. I feel so awful. I should have known this would happen.
Post # 5
People make drama for no reason. Moms especially (your aunt being the mom to your cousins) seem to really get all bent out of shape about protocol, and then make passive aggressive drama about it. Not sure why people don’t understand that being related doesn’t give you a free pass if you don’t put effort into the relationship…i’d just leave this be. She’ll forget about it, and I dobt your cousins actually care!
Post # 6
I do understand that you thought they wouldnt come anyway, but personally there are people that I know wont be able to make it but its nice to invite them anyway.
Post # 7
i wouldn’t bring this up. it could just start a fight. pp is right, she will forget about it and your cousins probably don’t care.
Post # 8
I wouldn’t bring it up. Your brother said she “may be” upset, which stemmed from a conversation he had with your cousin. I think it is just drama for the sake of drama, and wouldn’t worry about it at all. Also neither you, nor your brother (and probably the cousin) heard directly from the Aunt that she is upset.
I may be projecting, because I could definitely see this happening with my family; they love to cause drama for no reason.
Post # 9
Ha! I actually had my Aunt confront me at my wedding when I was visiting tables, point blank asking me why her sons weren’t invited. I lost my compsure for a split second, but told her we could only invite so many people and thought they wouldn’t come anyway. I still got a snarl from her, but it was to be expected. Everyone was embarrassed by her being blunt except her, and my Mom was annoyed when I told her later about it. It was over and done and never mentioned again, so…someone could have said something to you during your wedding and made you feel much worse. Isn’t that a better way to look at it?
Now at least you have a heads up if someone brings it up and can be prepared with your answer.
Post # 10
I know its nice to be invited and I should have been better organized but as I said, while we’re family and I like these cousins, we’re not particularly close. In fact, when my Mom and sister both passed away within three months of each other a couple of years ago, neither of these cousins attended the funerals. I’m not upset about it at all – as I said, not a close relationship, so I guess I just didn’t think they’d necessarily be all that interested in my wedding.
My other cousins I DO have a closer relationship with and that’s whey they got invited and the others didn’t.
*sigh* It just feels like no matter what you do, or how gracious or inclusive you try to be, someone is going to feel slighted.
Post # 11
I’m on your side, if you’re not close to them, don’t invite them. I couldn’t tell you the last time I saw a single cousin on my Dad’s side of the family and I’m seriously debating whether they should get an invite or not.
Post # 12
@lisa105: I agree. I broke the cardinal rule,tho, by inviting one female cousin in a family of four (the one mentioned), but I was Godmother to her daughter and we were very close. Everything ‘the boys’ were invited to they never showed! I felt pretty good saying that to her because it was really true. I only had 65 people at my wedding, so she could see how small it was.
People will always have something to say. The next day I heard from my sister how our one bartender made terrible drinks that were too strong, how stupid it was that the Caesar salad was on the deck near the bar where nobody saw it, and how her piece of pork was dry. UGH. Can’t win sometimes, but its good if you can laugh it off and move on. There’s nothing you can do after the fact to rectify it anyway.
Post # 13
They are probably fishing for drama, I would ignore it. I apologized to people for honest mistakes I made during the wedding planning process, but only if I was in the wrong. I don’t think you were in the wrong here, you have a right to decide who gets invited and had reasons to justify your decision. I think they are trying to start a fight so I would ignore it.
Post # 14
@lisa105: My mother passed away a few years ago, too. When I started making my guest list I was having a lot of trouble (well, I still am). My family is huge and there’s no possible way I could invite all of my cousins. I spoke to my dad (the one with the huge family) and we both agreed that the family members who lived in town and did not come to my mother’s funeral should be excluded from the list. We’re not trying to be petty, it’s just that we both felt that if the relationship wasn’t close enough for them to bother to grieve with us during the worst time in our lives, then they shouldn’t get to celebrate with us during the happiest. I wouldn’t feel bad for not inviting those cousins, if I were you. You can’t invite everybody. Everyone has to draw the line somewhere.
Post # 15
I wouldn’t mention it. They’ll probably forget about it after a few months anyway. Plus it was heard third hand so it may or may not be true she was upset. I had an aunt call up my dad the day after the wedding saying how she didn’t know and why we didn’t tell her. I know she knew since i had my dad ask all his brothers and sisters at my grandfather’s birthday if they wanted an invitation and they all said no ( we’re Chinese and it’s a destination wedding so didn’t want them to feel as though they had to send me money if they got an invite and can’t come). Still I felt a little bad but my cousin said she probably knew or else why would she call my dad the day right after the wedding.