Post # 31
He has to take his victim as he finds her. If she is allegedly *over sensitive* (in his opinion), that’s where she is and the fiancé has to honor that, not treat her as if she should be more tolerant of his completely unacceptable behavior.
What matters is that the OP was TERRIFIED. Let’s not lose sight of that in the typical board rush to minimize.
Post # 32
Was this for me? I’m all on board the red flag train and completely understanding of how terrified she was.
Post # 33
You said that he has high functioning autism, please don’t use this as an excuse for his behavior. Your fiancé is limited when it comes to communicating emotions. He might not be able to support you emotionally in the ways you need unless you specifically know what to say and how to ask for it. Someone else suggested locating a therapist who specializes in autism and I agree with this statement. The treatment is slightly different and could better target issues that you have together/might face in the future.
All that aside, no one should ever feel terrified in a relationship. We can’t say this is a one time incident, we can’t predict the future. If you felt like something is off, trust that emotion. Safety in a relationship is huge, and that incident can’t just be brushed off. I would think about the following question: would you be able to spend the rest of your life under these conditions? If not, consider postponing or canceling.
Post # 34
I’m not going to get into the whole “were you overreacting/underreacting” in relation to his actual actions. I wasn’t there and I actually don’t think that question matters as much.
I do want to say this: I have been with my husband for over 8 years. We’ve had numerous arguments in that time. And we’ve definitely yelled at each other before. But never once in all of those 8 years have I ever felt terrified or scared of him. Not once. Not even close. If there was ever a time where that changed for me, that would be a red flag. Because that’s a big deal. My husband is my safe space. He’s my place of comfort, even when I’m upset with him, even when we don’t agree, even when we’re arguing. I could not continue my relationship with him if that changed and I ever felt unsafe with him.