- 2 months ago
I had posted here before back when I was engaged, and then again when we broke up. Some of the bees pointed out that he was really manipulative with me. I can see how some of it was. What I’m wondering is, would any of it count as abuse? At the start of the relationship I was a happy person. By the end, I was crying all the time and felt like a worthless piece of crap.
Examples of stuff that happened…
He would put me down via other people’s opinions. Often it was about stuff that he knew I felt insecure about. Like his mother complained to him all the time that I was quiet and wanted to know why. He would repeat these conversations to me. His brother also didn’t like that I was quiet. The thing is, I had heard OTHER put-downs about me from these people (through my ex), which made me feel very uncomfortable around them, and even less likely to talk. I’m also very introverted. I explained this to my ex many, many, times yet he would not drop the subject. It’s like he didn’t hear or understand what I said. By the end of the relationship, he was telling me that the reason he no longer invited me over to his sister’s place was because he couldn’t stand watching the two of us talk.
He would try to control how I spoke to other people. He didin’t like it when I’d say “I’m good thanks, how are you?” when people asked me how I was. He wanted me to change it up and say something different. Well, I’ll say whatever the F I want, thank you very much! I ignored him and kept saying the same thing. I don’t know why it bothered him so much or why he would actually tell me how to talk to people!!
He would act fine about something, and then change his mind after someone else (usually someone in his family) questioned him on it. These were usually financial decisions we made, which is nobody else’s business IMO. For example, I used my credit card to pay for his parking ticket, and then he paid me back. I didn’t ask him to pay me back, he offered to. I thought things were fine. The next day, he’s telling me that his sister disagrees with it and is wondering why he had to pay me back. I got pissed off. It’s none of her business, and why would she even say anything? Why would he even repeat that to me? After I got mad and ranted, he just sat there and said nothing. He didn’t agree or disagree with me. He didn’t tell me what his own opinion was. It was like he wanted me to know that someone else thinks I suck, and he doesn’t care if it bothers me.
I did not feel respected as a person. Like the quiet thing, I explained to hiim that it is a core personality trait of mine. I spent most of my life trying to change it, and I can’t. It’s something he needs to accept. Well, I guess he couldn’t accept it because he kept making a big deal about it, even though he knew it hurt my feelings. He even admitted to trying to change me.
He admitted to trying to change me… not just the quiet thing, but also my weight. He thought I was too skinny when he first met me. Instead of asking me if I was OK, or suggesting I see a doctor (which I had done already and I was healthy, FYI), he decided to buy me food. I asked him if he was trying to fatten me up. He said no. This went on throughout the relationship, where I felt like he was trying to make me gain weight and he kept denying it. By the end of the relationship he finally admitted that’s what he was doing the whole time. And the worst part is that I did gain weight, and I felt unhappy about it, and he knew it. But that didn’t stop hiim from buying me junk food when he knew I was trying to watch my weight.
He did things for me when I told him to please stop it. Examples include buying me food, and also buying other stuff for me in general. It made me feel guilty, because I couldn’t do the same back (he makes more than me). I told him that. Instead of agreeing to stop it he’d tell me that he couldn’t help it. And then keep doing it. Then I’d get more upset, and talk to him again, and he’d keep doing it.
He tried to stop me from getting a job I wanted. After I quit my job (where there was workplace harrassment, hence my quitting) I decided to go with this job placement agency. It wasn’t great, but it was work I didn’t mind doing. He didn’t want me to, but wouldn’t give me a good reason why not. We had actual arguments about it. I finally gave in and didn’t follow through with it. It was easier to give up than to keep arguing. Then, a couple weeks later, he was upset with me for not having a job.
He would tell me all sorts of hurtful things his family members said about me… like how it’s a “red flag” that I am awkward with children, which I find insulting because I wouldn’t hurt children. Statistically speaking, they are more likely to be abusive than me (they grew up with it) and they even allow their own father, who abused them, be around their kids. But because I am awkward with kids, that makes me awful and not worth dating. Ok.
One time, I had a bad depressive episode (had just started taking meds) and he went with a walk with me to try and make me feel better. We ran into his sister while we were out. I didn’t say much, for obvious reasons. Afterwards, he told me he was disappointed that I hadn’t acted more cheerful or talkative. WTF!! He should have asked me if I felt ok!
Whenever he didn’t like something I said, he would repeat it to someone else and then come back to me and say “I told [person a,b,c] what you said and they found it shocking.” Uhh ok… what about what YOU think? You’re the one I’m dating, not that other person.
By the end of the relationship he was telling me things like “I do a lot for you” and “I give you a lot of freedom.” Which was true to a certain extent, but not true in other ways. He didn’t like it that I was trying to run my own business. It didn’t make much at first, but the numbers were gradually going up (I showed them to him). I eventually got a client who pays substantially more than the other ones, which was a huge deal to me. He didn’t act happy at all. If anything, he seemed upset. It was like he realized how serious I was, and that I wasn’t going to give up and go get a government job like he wanted me to. Basically he didn’t encourage me at all in my career goals. He wanted me to give up on my business and go get a government job that he knew I didn’t want.
He pressured me into having unprotected sex. Maybe that’s a common thing with men, I don’t know, but he knew I wasn’t on the pill (because of interactions with my other meds) and that I didnt’ want kids. He didn’t care. He also wanted me to get pregnant. He knew I didn’t want to. Whenever I didn’t feel well, he would get excited and ask if I had morning sickness. It was like it didn’t matter to him one bit that I would be very unhappy if that happened. I would get mad and tell him that I feel like he doesn’t care how I feel. His response…. was weird. Dunno how to describe it, except that it’s like he didn’t hear me.
Whenever he saw me hanging out, drinking a coffee and thinking, he would find it very weird that I was thinking. He didn’t understand why I would think. I’m serious, guys. I don’t think it was even a sexist thing. I don’t think he bothers to think at all himself, so to him it’s a foreign concept. THEN, whenever I said stuff he didn’t like, he’d tell me I think too much.
He would change his story often. I’m getting too tired to type it all out, but let’s just say I caught him doing it deliberately. He would allow me to believe something he knew wasn’t true, then later on tell the truth … not even to me, but to someone else, or it would just come out for some other reason. And I would be left wondering why on earth did he not correct me when he KNEW I believed somethign to be untrue? And it was HIM who told me the untrue thing, or led to me to believe it, and then just left me not knowing the truth… and he would act as if it was the most normal thing in the world. It was like he didn’t even see anything wrong with it!!
I can’t type out anything else. There are many more examples. To whoever read this book I just wrote, please let me know what you think. My relationship ended about 3 months ago, and I still feel as though I’ve been mind f***ed.
ETA: Okay one more thing. When he admitted (after we broke up) to have tried to change me, he said is SO CASUALLY, as if it were normal. Almost as if he had tried a new type of candy from the store and decided he didn’t much care for it. Hmm, yeah I tried that and it just didn’t work out very well. WTFF!!!!!!!!!!!