Was this Abuse? (ex-fiance)

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
751 posts
Busy bee


I had an ex who was very much like your ex. 

I would consider it abuse, though at that time I didn’t. I just considered him an @$$hole.

The important thing to focus on here is that the relationship is OVER. And don’t even think about rekindling anything or giving it a second chance. Every time he said something derogatory was that second chance where he could have decided NOT to say it! So as I see it, he had more than 1,000,000 chances already.

Try to read some self-help books, watch inspirational movies and shows. You need to undo all the mess he made of your mind. It will take a few months but if you consistently keep up with your mental health improvement efforts, you will be fine in no time!

Try not to dwell on the abuse aspect of it because though it may be there, the fact is that you can’t really do anything about it that will yield any kind of valuable results for YOU. What are you going to do? Fight with him about it? Yell it from rooftops (proverbially) so that everyone he knows gets to know about it? Tell the Police? 

The best and most useful thing you can do from here on is to concentrate on rejuvinating yourself.

Post # 3
978 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

My answer was going to be – Abuse? I don’t think so. Controlling dick? yes absolutely. But I think it depends on how you define it. I think the term “abuse” has been a bit watered down in 2019 – not that it’s necessarily a bad thing, it’s just more behaviour is coming under its umbrella. But again, it’s all subjective. I posted a thread about my own mother’s behaviour towards my sister a while ago.

But. This was all until you said he pressured you into having unprotected sex. That is 100% unequivocally NOT OKAY. Because he seems like just the kind of dick to get you pregnant and trap you, so he can maintain control over you.

In any case. This dude sucks ass and you’re better off without him. He may have enticed you to pick up a bit of weight, but you definitely dropped 200lbs in the breakup. Kudos to you woop woop.

Post # 4
104 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969 - Montsalvat, Victoria

I wouldn’t label it abuse but it does sound like he was really horrible to you and you have a lot of baggage to unpack from this relationship. Take care bee 

Post # 7
978 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

  browncoat :  I have a 6 month old Golden Retriever at home who is kind of an asshole. Not because me means to, he’s just an immature puppy who thinks the world needs to revolve around him.

The trainer told me: when trying to control the behaviour of a puppy, the best punishment for bad behaviour is turning around and walking away. It’s not lashing out or scolding, because even when you’re shouting “NO!” at bad behaviour, you’re still giving him attention and that’s what he wants.

You keep finding reasons to hate this dude and post them here. Like, you’re welcome to throw them our way but all our advice is going to be the same. You need to move on. The best punishment is turning around, and waiting for him to realise what a shithead he’s been. The more energy you waste on him, the more he wins.

Post # 8
887 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

Yes, this is abuse.

Post # 9
1379 posts
Bumble bee

First thing that I think needs to be made VERY clear: abuse is NOT subjective. It has clear definitions, and different types of abuse are distinguished by different characteristics of the behavior. 

Some of the things this man did have the characteristics of certain types of abuse, and that’s not my ” subjective opinion.” BUT that’s neither here nor there because, in the end, his behavior was appalling. Call it abuse, call it douchebaggery–no one has to agree. At this moment, all that matters is that you got the hell out. 

People who abuse or control others, who behave with maliciousness and cruelty, are people who have something seriously wrong with them (generally a complex host of things), and it’s probably not at all possible for someone like that to truly love anyone else. (By “love” here I mean something like regularly putting another person’s welfare above one’s own in a relationship centered on respect, inspiration, and joy.) So try not to lose any sleep over what he was thinking or feeling about you and why (childhood trauma, etc.)–just work on moving beyond this to a healthier place now that this piece of shit is gone. 

Post # 10
617 posts
Busy bee

I would not say this was abuse. But I would say he was an exceedingly unpleasant and controlling person whom you are well shot of.

I 100% agree with sbl99 :  that the more you fixate on him, the more power you give him. Hands down the best way to deal with people like this is not to engage them and dwell on their behaviour and endlessly try to figure out their intentions and reasons… it’s to walk away.

It really doesn’t matter whether you are able to package the behaviour up and label it abuse – what matters is how you deal with the situation from now on.

The antidote for other people’s bad behaviour is your own personal power. Your power to extract yourself from the situation, and yes, IGNORE it. Because exactly like sbl99 said, like a puppy, such people are spurred on by negative attention (drama, fights etc.). As you saw countless times, your getting upset about it did absolutely nothing to change him.

Walk away, deal with the fallout of this relationship, process your feelings about it, figure out how you could handle those situations differently in the future, and move on with your life.

Post # 11
174 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

It really doesn’t matter if anyone would consider this abuse, or not. What matters is that this man is still getting to you. It sounds like, abuse or not, you should get yourself into therapy to help yourself move past this part of your life. You will probably feel much better.

Post # 12
209 posts
Helper bee

I’d call some of the behaviour emotional abuse. But at this point, now that you are broken up, I wouldn’t focus on looking back and trying to categorise it. Instead, I’d look into ways to build yourself and your confidence back up.

Post # 13
96 posts
Worker bee

I don’t personally think this meets the definition of abuse and I don’t think it necessarily a good idea to over “diagnose” abuse, in fact it is this exact reason I didn’t realise I was a victim of abuse – I thought the term was overused and therefor shyed away from acknowledging it with my drs. however I don’t think it matters what you call it really, it wasn’t ok and it doesn’t need a label if you want to call it abuse you can if you want to just call it negative unacceptable behavious thats fine too. What difference does it make?

Post # 14
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

This is a guy who was very controlling. You are still very broken. You should really get yourself into therepy. I am not sure if you said you were because in all honesty I couldn’t read all of your post. But what I did read is someone who is very hurt and needs a lot of help to move on. You will never get past this if you don’t get the help that you need. It doesn’t need to labled abuse or not. What matter’s is that he broke you and you need to get the pieces of your life back together and move past him. Get yourself some help bee trust me it will help.

Post # 15
10456 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

DeniseSecunda :  

Well, you just saved me a lot of typing.  Thank you for that.

For the nth time, Bees.  You do not get to define abuse.  That has already been done by experts who know what they’re talking about. 

And yes, it is indeed, defined by specific behaviors.

browncoat :  

Yes, Bee. Your fiancé’s behavior qualifies as abuse.  He was gaslighting you quite a bit with the changing his stories; telling you things that he knew were false, then changing it up. That’s meant to keep you off balance and feeling like the crazy one. Gaslighting is abuse.

The entire theme of your relationship was him ostensibly trying to change you. He wasn’t. You could have twisted yourself into knots and jumped through every hoop and he would have found something new to berate you for.  Do you think that, if you had managed to become everything he said he wanted you to be; that he would have said:  Hey, Babe you’re awesome just the way you are?  

He tried to control your eating behavior.  He tried to control your career. Controllers = very bad news. Controlling behavior always goes along with abuse. Not all controllers cross the line and become abusers.   But, all abusers are controllers. Abuse is entirely about power and control.

His relentless criticisms were meant to make you feel less than. His goal was to strip you of your self esteem until you lost yourself completely. 

Thankfully, you found the will to escape.

The why is simple:  because he’s an abuser. Rattlesnakes bite, abusers abuse. To get a good understanding of how these guys operate, I strongly suggest Lundy Bancroft’s book, Why Does He Do That?

I also really encourage you to find a trauma recovery therapist. These guys do incredible damage; deep, deep damage. I’d bet the farm that you have some PTSD as well.  This makes it so important to find a therapist qualified in trauma recovery.

The core issue here, Bee, is not whether your ex was abusive.  Yes.  He absolutely was.  And he will continue to be an abuser. The real issue is, what drew you to someone like this? How did your radar get so out of whack? These are the questions you can work on with your therapist to help make sure you don’t repeat this horror show.

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