Was this Abuse? (ex-fiance)

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 16
9667 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

It doesn’t matter. Get thee to counseling and move on – stop giving this space in your mind. Having it labeled as abuse or not is not going to change anything. 

Post # 18
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

Sounds like my ex husband! He did all of the above. Look up narcissistic personality disorder as well as triangulation. You did nothing wrong. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You need to understand this. It has been 7 years since I divorced and some things still bother me. I’m with a wonderful new husband who loves everything about me and his family is wonderful… it can be hard to remember that that kind of treatment is wrong when you’re in the thick of it. I am very proud to hear you broke it off. You have strength I wish I had all those years ago. And yes it was abuse- emotional abuse from a toxic person, possibly a narcissist very concerned with what others think. Even if he was not a narcissist, knowing some of what they do will shed some light on this kind of toxicity. 

I’m going to edit in some stuff I dealt with- give me a minute. OK- here’s my edit: I used to hear it all the time about oh I don’t talk enough, I look miserable, I never smile, my hair is too dark, I’m too pale- all of it! I became a fake tanned girl with a permanent Cheshire smile with no personality just like he (and they) wanted- a docile little lamb that will bend to their every whim, nothing about me was right. They just could not stop finding things wrong with me. I’d hear it all from my ex husband. Oh his mom said this, his sister said that, I remember I had just graduated college and because I didn’t get a job within a few weeks (and it was over Christmas time!! I finished in December back then) it was a huge problem, oh I’m just going nowhere, etc. 

Good riddance! You’re going to be just fine without him.

Post # 19
132 posts
Blushing bee

Bee he was emotionally abusing and manipulating you. who repeats hurtful things to someone they claim to care about?

Everything you said made me sad for you. I was once in an emotionally abuse relationship and didn’t even know it because I grew up being emotionally abuse by my family. 

“I do a lot for you” and “I give you a lot of freedom” these are two very scary statements plus the trying to control your weight are clear signs of an abuser. 

He is a piece of shit and I feel sorry for his next victim. Count your blessing that you didn’t marry this asshole.

Sending you positive vibes



Post # 20
485 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

My ex-fi did a lot of this stuff. In his case he was emotionally abused himself by family members and then started behaving that way to me. I thought I was going mad.

It was hard after we broke up because I had no confidence left, or trust in my own sanity. But things were/are much better without him! So whether it met the technical definition of abuse or not, I’m much happier now! But it took a long time to reach that point (definitely longer than 3 months).

Post # 21
10456 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

yassim :  

You are right about narcissists.  They are very big on Image Management.

I am sorry you had to go through that.  Nobody gets out of a relationship with a narcissist unscathed.  But, I’m happy to hear that you are being treated properly now.

Post # 22
10456 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

nita07 :  

I am glad you brought up the weight thing.  It comes up a lot here—partners trying to control the other’s weight via shaming.

This is a particularly insidious form of abuse and it is really dangerous.  We women seldom recognize it for what it is.  We’re so brainwashed about ideal body types that we think it’s perfectly normal and acceptable for our SOs to push us around about what we eat.

No.  It’s not. Eating disorders are remarkably easy to trigger in many people, most often women; and, women die from eating disorders all the time.

Absent a completely <em style=”font-weight: bold;”>voluntary agreement to work on making changes, nobody has any right to comment about anyone else’s eating, weight, or body size.  It’s destructive, and too often, mean spirited. It’s too easily hidden under the guise of trying to help.

Nobody needs the Food Police.  A grown ass woman knows what foods cause her to gain weight. Even comments meant to be innocuous can be triggering for vulnerable women; eg Oh, that brownie sure looks good; Pizza for lunch today?

If you do that, knock it off.

If a woman feels that she needs to make a change in her body weight, up or down, it’s really best that she work with her doctor and a nutritionist, along with a support group like OA, rather than an untrained, but well meaning SO.

Post # 23
84 posts
Worker bee

I’d read a book called, “Why does he do that?” It’s all about the patterns of abusive relationships, the warning signs, and explaining WHY men act that way. It outlines all of the priviledges that being abusive brings them, and why it’s so hard for them to change because it means they have to give up those “perks” (like, being controlling means they always get what they want, they don’t have to compromise on anything, they’re the center of the universe, they get to use their parters as emotional punching bags to vent too, etc.)

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