Was this crappy or just PMS?

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
211 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - City, State

Was the trip you both went on paid for by him or did you split? Did he pay for meals, the hotel, for you? His intent could have been that the trip was your gift (not trying to assume, but trips can cost a lot). Also, what was the gift card for? Cash, like a debit card? A spa/massage? My SO isn’t as big on gift giving as I am (just the way he was raised), and often asks me if I want something in particular before buying a gift. This was jarring to me, who plans gifts months/weeks in advance and puts a lot of thought into what that person wants, but after a couple conversations about what gifts mean to me (sentimentality) in the beginning of our relationship years back, and what they mean to him, we figured out our current approach (let me know if there’s something you want, and if not, I’ll get creative).

Last year for Christmas, I didn’t ask him for anything because I wanted to see if he’d think of something on his own. Whereas he was waiting for me to tell him what I wanted. So come Christmas, nothing. I didn’t think much of it, but of course I have a loud (yet wonderful) cousin who was like, “Wait, you didn’t get her a gift? Get on it!” And so I sent him a short list of things I was interested in and he chose the 10-class gift card to a yoga studio I had been wanting to go to, and emailed me the e-certificate an hour later. I was very appreciative of the gift and moved on with my life because if he had chosen not to do anything after our talk, then I’d take it more personally.

I’m telling you this because maybe what you need is some communication, and perhaps a compromise (if he’s drawing a blank for gifts, which even I do because not every present can be the end-all-be-all of gift ideas), help him out! If you’re disappointed at not receiving something, let him know it’s not that you expect something so much as it’s exciting to know that your SO is giving you something thoughtful/fun/you’ve been wanting/etc. This is all situational though, not every experience or relationship is the same, but maybe there’s something more to him not getting you a gift in advance/on time this time, and I hope you can work that out.

Post # 20
6169 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

sharkey38 :  I didn’t say “he’s a man, give him a pass” because in my relationship, I’m the one who tends to care less about gift giving so I’m the one more likely to get a last minute, half assed gift. I don’t think his genitals has anything to do with it, more his nature, which is why I suggested figuring out what his love language is- yours seems to be gift giving.

Hopefully, the two of you can work things out and have a great time moving forward.

Post # 21
492 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

sharkey38 :  Here’s a small reality check for you. 

If your Boyfriend or Best Friend is NOT naturally inclined to make grand gestures for your birthday (or any other ocassion) chances are that this trait will not flourish with time but become even more absent. He probably made a huge effort for the last year and a half because you were recently dating (honeymoon period). Please, do not expect him to keep up with it if it isn’t something he is prompt of doing by himself -aka. without knowing you are expecting it.

My advise is for you to think LONG and DEEP about this relationship and if he is meeting your expectations. You have made previous posts questioning some of his actions (proposal, move in, him being a “thinker”) which honestly points out to the fact that this relationship doesn’t satisfy your emotional needs. Whether you choose to work on this (together AND on your own -ie. expecting less from him) or break up and search someone who shares your love language (elaborate birthday gifts, etc.) is something you need to really question yourself.

Post # 22
387 posts
Helper bee

sharkey38 :  I’m with you on the whole “just because he’s a man doesn’t mean he gets a pass.” I’m really surprised some people think that way. This is obviously something important to you, and I don’t think he should get a pass for basically dismissing your feelings. I wouldn’t be so upset if he went to the store and actually picked out a gift card and put it in a nice holder or card, but to just email it to you seems kind of passive aggressive. Like “fine, you wanted a gift, here’s your gift” type of thing. 

I also think it’s a poor excuse on his part that he didn’t get you anything while on vacation just because you were arguing. Unless he thought there was a possibility of the relationship ending, he still could have picked out something nice. He could have even gotten you something after you returned from your trip. He seems to have a lot of excuses. He didn’t want to get you a late gift? On one hand, I see him not wanting to let it bring up those bad memories of the argument, but on the other hand, this was a missed opportunity for him to overshadow the argument with something good… just my opinion. 

Idk what I’d do from here. He did “get” you something, even though he put very little effort into it. But it’s really all about intent. If you think he was being passive aggressive about it, then I would have another conversation about it. But if you think he was just trying to maybe smooth things over (although he missed the mark completely), I wouldn’t hold it over him. 

Also, if it were me, I’d make sure to go above and beyond for his birthday. I know you said you always do, but I’d do something even more “extra” than you have before. It might just be the petty in me, but this might make him feel foolish when he compares how much effort he put forth for your birthday vs how much you put forth for his, and maybe for the next event, he’ll try and make up for it?

Post # 24
1631 posts
Bumble bee

It’s hurtful that you expressed that it was something important to you, and he didn’t rise to the occasion. At the same time, you need to pick what’s important to you and how big the ask is for the person. 

I hate mandatory (for a special occasion) gift giving. I’m good at random thoughtful gifts, because they’re organic (e.g. I had an exboyfriend who complained about his shoulder bag hurting his shoulder, so I bought him a proper backpack; my FH had specific gloves he wanted, and I hunted them down till I found them), but I don’t always come across an idea in time for the gift giving event, and I think it’s silly to hold off on a good idea until the next gift giving event. 

So after a year of dating I proposes we just stop doing gifts entirely. So if I was dating someone with your gift expectations, it would be an imposition. I might suck it up, but you can see how someone could love you but not like mandatory gift giving? 

Post # 25
422 posts
Helper bee

He’s a man, he gets a pass. undecided  Get real. People are supposed to care and put effort into their relationship, his having a penis does not excuse him from this.

Post # 27
1631 posts
Bumble bee

sharkey38 :  at the same time, you see the entire relationship and we don’t. Are you upset due to a general drop off across the board in effort, or just in gift giving? If it’s the former, that’s not something to just deal with. It’s important to feel like a priority. But if it’s just gift giving, it might be more helpful to have him do “experience” gifts — taking you to your favorite restaurant or to a show you have wanted to see or cooking you dinner and giving you a massage. Those still take effort, but don’t have the same dilemma of physical presents. 

Post # 29
2572 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

I don’t know if this helps but it’s worth a try! 

My Darling Husband is so terrible with gift giving. A lot of times I literally choose my gift myself and ta-dahh, it’s “from him.” He hates shopping. I love shoping. It’s a win-win for us. I did this for Christmas this past year. We got married a few days before so we knew we didn’t want to spend a lot. I found a good deal on a cologne gift set he likes as well as some 14k gold drop earrings that were roughly the same price (and I had a coupon!) We opened the gifts in front of my family and they all laughed bc they knew I picked them out. 

I wouldn’t stress about something so little 🙂 

Post # 30
127 posts
Blushing bee

So he planned to do something but it didn’t work out?

Then you get into a fight because he didn’t do anything? But he had planned something that didn’t work out?

I think if I were him Id be annoyed too. Annoyed that I had planned to do something and it not work out and then annoyed that it’s caused an argument. 

If he really had intentions that he couldn’t see through for whatever reason then he did put thought into it and then must have been put on the spot when it didn’t work out. But then obviously you only see the fact that he hadn’t done anything. 

The gift card seems lame especially because its for somewhere you don’t specifically like, but he may be thinking why bother after the whole fiasco or maybe he just rushed to get whatever he could in hopes something was better than nothing, not getting its the sentiment and not the actual gift. Or maybe he just didn’t have enough spare cash for  gift card for your normal place so go what he could afford

We can all only speculate, but it’s good you’re happy to let it go. It’s probably just one of those suck moments. But if it happens more often I agree you have to look at your ‘love languages’ 

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