(Closed) Was this mean?

posted 12 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
216 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2009


I don’t think it’s mean.  That’s why there’s an RSVP deadline!  If he couldn’t be bothered to respond in time, he can’t expect you to redo everything to accomodate him.  I think that it sounds reasonable that you asked him to come by for dancing. 

Good luck!

Post # 4
44 posts

Nope, I would have done exactly the same thing!  (in fact, am planning on doing just this if I have anyone pull the same thing…and just ran it by my FH, who also agrees it is the best way to handle it…)  Don’t worry about it

Post # 5
13 posts

Good on you.  My wedding is the same date as yours, and I would be pissed if this person was trying to pull that on me at this point. 


Dishonest, yes, but it saves you time and stress, so it’d be worth it to me. 

Post # 6
26 posts
  • Wedding: November 2008

I would have done the same thing. There’s no reason the person should have waited that late to answer, espicially after you tried to contact him so many times.


Good luck with the last two weeks of planning! 

Post # 7
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

You definately have other stuff to do at this late date, and he was not only late but unresponsive when you tried to contact him – so I wouldn’t feel bad about it at all.  If you get no RSVP, and then no response to repeated attempts to contact someone, you have to assume they are not coming.  If you could fit him (and his guest) in without much trouble, I would say that you should.  But then, I didn’t have seating arrangements, and I had planned for an extra table and a half anyway – just in case – so for me it was really just a matter of checking with the chef.  And really, I did that mostly because I have some relatives with health issues, who wouldn’t know for sure if they could travel until right before the wedding – so I wanted to be sure I could accomodate them if they showed.  That’s totally different than someone who just couldn’t be bothered to tell you whether the were coming – and you don’t really owe someone like that any consideration.

Post # 8
159 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2008

Did he mention a reason he hadn’t responded earlier? That would make a difference to me. You know just being lazy/rude vs. having a sick family member or crazy time at work.

I went in the opposite direction and was adding people and chaning table arrangements until about 1am the day of our wedding. I am not sure I would do that again (so much stress!) but I just couldn’t imagine telling someone "no" that I cared enough about to invite to the wedding in the first place just because I didn’t want to switch some things around.

I know things are stressful with 11 days left, but I think I would have accommodated him and his guest. Actually…I know I would have, since I did…like 20 times. Again, I think I overdid it but if you only had one outstanding RSVP 1- That’s a great return rate and 2- I don’t think it would be that hard to change. It seems like you told him not to come more because you were annoyed he didn’t respond earlier, not because it was too much trouble to change. I’m not sure I’m on board with that. 


Post # 9
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

If you want this guy there -which presumably you do since you invited him you could: 

1) See if there is a table where you could squeeze him in. You could always call him back and say the venue found space – but that he wouldn’t be on the board and because seating arranagements are finalized, he would likely be seated at a table with slightly random people – but you would love for him to come if he can make it.  


2) You can wait until someone cancels – because they will – and then call him and tell him you had  a cancellation and would love for him to come but because seating arrangements are finalized …….

Yes it was rude of him not to reply but he is likely nowhere near as aware that there are 11 days until your wedding as you are!! I am sure he meant to respond earlier and was being lazy, was on vacation, trying to figure out if he could make it, whatever.  In any event, good luck with these final days – and try to enjoy!!!  I don’t miss being engaged, but all the excitement and build-up to the wedding is really fun 🙂

Post # 11
52 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

You are not mean at all!!!!  You did the right thing.  And I like the way you handled this situation so much that my fiance and I are going to do the same thing if such a situation should arise.  If he was a close friend or family member, then of course you would do whatever to get that person in.  However, he’s not.  You’ve done all you can do.

But most importantly, don’t let this bother you.  This is such a minor detail in the grand scheme of things and should not take away from you and your fiance’s engagement period nor your wedding day.

Have a great 11 days!!!

Post # 12
217 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

It sounds like for this person, and this situation, it was the right thing to do.  He is not family, not an out-of-towner, not a close friend, or even someone you’d miss if he wasn’t there – I think you handled it in a way that is very logical and I’m super impressed you took the low stress route – way to take care of you first!!  Yeahh!!  I also applaud you for being direct, some people would have been more passive-aggressive, it is impressive you had the guts to be so direct and assertive.  We are getting married the same day, and I don’t think I can handle something new being dropped on my plate!  Let’s see pics of this seating board soon.


Post # 13
1423 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

Sounds reasonable to me!  It was a little fib, and after the inconvenience of trying to contact him, you shouldn’t feel obligated to do more work for his sake (ethics is my thing:).  It’s not mean.  It’s being honest about your human limitations. 

Post # 14
80 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2009

You go girl. Boundaries are a good thing to have–don’t feel bad about reinforcing them!

Post # 15
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

My wedding is in three days… and my cousin and his wife just called to say they were coming (after refusing to RSVP because their children we not able to attend due to our adult only policy).  I had my seating chart done… and there’s nowhere to put them so I have to add another table and start from scratch.  Arghghg…


  I think he deserves it. 

Post # 16
5 posts
  • Wedding: August 2008

My wedding is also in 11 days…. I know how you feel…. It’s RUDE when people don’t respond in a timely matter… I’m just going to tell the SLACKERS,,, they can come to the wedding ceremony, but can’t say for the reception because I have already finalized the reception.

You were not mean at all.

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