(Closed) Was this rude to say?

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Well she may have just been telling the two of you that her husband might not make it and the reason why.  Just to prepare you guys.  And since invitations haven’t gone out yet she may not know that kids aren’t welcome.  Most people assume all weddings are Kid Events. So until she gets the invitation she wouldn’t know otherwise.  So don’t say anything. Just wait until the inviations go out to help with the kid issue.  As for the other friend going as her date… I can see both sides.  I can see why she wouldn’t want to go alone especially if she won’t know very many other people.  I can also understand your side of not wanting a friend of a friend to attend.

I think just give things time to settle out on their own. The husband might get things worked out so he can be there. She may decide on her own that bringing the friend isn’t a good idea.

Post # 4
273 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

this is tough.  on one hand i say let it go, she’ll understand once you send out the invites and it doesn’t say “and guest.”  but on the other, she may interpret your silence as agreement to her idea of bringing another date in her husband’s place.  she may have been bringing this up so early to see how you feel about it so i think you need to decide if you care that she brings another guy instead of her husband.  if you would prefer to keep your wedding to people that you know, let her know.  if you don’t care, then there is no reason to say anything or let her know that that’s fine.

i feel this is a personal decision since everyone is different and so each wedding is different.  talk it over with your FH and get his opinion.

Post # 5
343 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Yeah, I definitely think it was rude.  I think it was borderline rude for her to assume her child was invited, but maybe she just innocently assumed.  However, the part about bringing a friend?  Weird & rude.  I imagine if I was talking to one of my FI’s friends about her upcoming wedding.  I would never say to this girl – oh, your friend (and the reason we’re talking and I’m invited) is not going to be able to attend, so I’m going to bring a random person instead of the person you want there.  WEIRD!  I would never do that & it’s defintely rude.

But should you say something to her?  Probably not, that would likely be just as rude as her random & weird comments.  But when she receives her invite, sees that it’s adults-only, and that her name & hubby’s name are on the invite… maybe she’ll get it?  Worst case scenario, you can have your Fiance talk to his friend about it. IMO, that would be the way to go if you feel a discussion is in order.


Post # 6
549 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I think sometimes its better to stay quiet on some things.  As for the kids, definitely tell her if you are not including children, but as for the guest thing, I think that’s incredibly rude.  Wait and see for wure what happens, and talk to her husband (and FH’s friend) if it becomes an issue for sure (ie he is for sure going to be away that weekend)!! good luck!

Post # 7
2640 posts
Sugar bee

I’m not sure I’d hold my breath that the invitation will just snap her into reality.  My guess is that she is clueless that she came across as rude.  She probably innocently (although misguided) thought that bringing someone in her husband’s place was “no harm no foul”.  As for the kid, maybe the only weddings she’s gone to were all kid friendly.  Or maybe she hasn’t gone to many weddings, in general to knwo much about wedding etiquette.

While what she said wasn’t proper, I’d be inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt and let it blow over.  If my husband couldn’t attend his own friend’s wedding, and I felt that uncomfortable to go alone, I’d probably decline.  However, as the bride, if this is what my guest wanted to do to feel comfortable I wouldn’t have a problem letting her bring the guest.  But that’s me, and I allowed my guests +1s. 

If you are offering all of your guests +1, perhaps you should allow her to bring one in her husband’s place.  (If one half of a couple can’t come, and you don’t allow for another guest, the spouse is stuck going alone.  That doesn’t seem fair to me, when others don’t have to go alone.)  If other guests don’t get +1s, then maybe you tell her you’re not extending your guest list to those whom you don’t know.

Post # 8
121 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Hmm, I can definitely relate to you in terms of having your child there as I am also a mother to a 1 year old. I think its one thing if you, the bride & the reason for the wedding in the first place have your child there- but another thing entirely for other people to assume their kids should be there. It may be a a formal event, it may not, but regardless of the fact- good manners would usually dictate that someone- especially with the way this woman is connected to the situation- should hold back and see how things pan out with the invite and with her husbands plans… And now that I am thinking about it, I just imagined that my FH’s friend was getting married and my FH was going to be away- i would NEVER even dream of going to a wedding without him- if he was the only reason we were invited! haha or bringing my kid!! That person is a little wacky and weird!

Post # 9
133 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Yes, it was definitely rude. Unfortunately this seems to be fairly common, I’ve had similar comments from lots of people. My advice is to not worry about it. Invite who you invite and don’t feel bad about it later. Once she gets the invite, hopefully she’ll figure it out on her own.

I wouldn’t worry about including other people’s kids if you don’t want to. I think the easiest way to do it is to make rules for groups. My rules are: if the kid is related to me they can come, if not then they are not invited. I wanted to include them all at first, but we are only having about 100 people, and with all the kids it would add an extra 15-20!

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