Was your ex-husband difficult about divorcing?

posted 5 months ago in Married Life
Post # 31
Member
1215 posts
Bumble bee

Amy Elizabeth :  Because it’s not about really wanting to reconcile. It’s about calling the shots. After years of mistreating you and getting away with it, he can’t believe you bossed up and ended things on your terms (no matter that he had left in the first place). This is not about love Bee, it’s about power.

Stop torturing yourself with the why. Your soon-to-be ex-husband is not your problem anymore. Focus on getting out of this situation safely, healing emotionally and starting a new chapter of your life.

Post # 33
Member
10587 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Amy Elizabeth :  

Of course he doesn’t want you to have an attorney.  It’s in his best interest that you don’t have an advocate.  That way, your stbx can stomp all over you.

Bee, you are much, much too engaged in his pathology. This craziness about trying to verbally outmaneuver him and make sure you win is so toxic. It’s keeping you hooked into the relationship, just in a different exterior appearance.  The dynamic is unchanged.

Your lawyer should be the only one talking to your stbx.  Period.  Do you seriously think there is something, anything you could say that would make him have some great epiphany about everything? That is not reality, Bee. Stop feeding into his disorder.

Yours is also a cautionary tale as to why some of us are so vocal in our opposition to couples counseling when there is any type of abuse.

Get some support, Bee.  But, for gawd’s sake, not from the woman who raised your stbx.

Post # 34
Member
10587 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Amy Elizabeth :  

In the highly unlikely event that your attorney tries to use you as “bait”; fire that attorney and report them to the state bar.

Professional process servers earn their livings by finding people who don’t want to be found.

Your task is to keep yourself on the DL.  Satay with people if you feel unsafe.  Does he have access to any weapons?

 

Post # 37
Member
474 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2018 - City Hall

Amy Elizabeth :  Thanks bee! I’m so happy it’s in the past now. 

Post # 39
Member
8266 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Amy Elizabeth :  

Dear OP do let go of this. He doesn’t want a divorce  because it means you won, you  are free of him and he got left.  Nothing at all to do with   changing his ways  or caring about you .

Pretty soon he will be telling  people he filed and you cried and begged him to come back anyway. 

Post # 40
Member
1241 posts
Bumble bee

My ex was difficult at the best of times during our marriage, needless to say he has been difficult ever since. For him.it’s an effort to control or overpower me. I really let nearly my entire life go when we separated. He made it so difficult, he knew I would. But peace and freedom are worth the sacrifice.

Post # 41
Member
10587 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Amy Elizabeth :  

No, no, no.  Abusers claim they don’t want divorces, but that’s not it.  What they don’t want is the loss of power, control, and money.  They hate the idea that their victims have advocates who know the law and who will not bend to the abusers’s will. 

Never belever a single word any abuser says during a divorce.  If he says the sky is blue, run outside and take a look.

NEVER DIVORCE AN ABUSER WITHOUT A LAWYER.

It doesn’t matter if you own nothing, have $13 in the bank, and were married for 57 hours. Your attorney is your bulwark against the worst of your abuser’s viciousness.  They cannot tolerate it when their prey escapes.  If they can’t recapture you, they must punish you.

Never, ever, ever go to couples counseling when there is the slightest whiff of abuse. Any therapist who is willing to see a couple in which one half has shown abusive behavior is incompetent.

I did some skimming of the posts here.  Did someone mention serving their own divorce papers?  You can never serve legal process when you are a party to the action.  I dearly hope no lawyer gave out such horrible and reckless advice.

Professional process servers do this for a living.  They’re usually pretty good at it. In some US counties, the local marshals office can also be hired to serve process. Makes a nice impression.

Please let your attorney know if the abuser has access to any weapons (they all seem to).  The server may need to have an officer on standby when service of process is effected.

I remember how frightened I was the day my ex was supposed to be served. I had pushed hard for him to be served at work.  Not to embarrass him, but, because he would be surrounded by reasonable humans.  My incompetent first lawyer would hear none of it.

That awful night came and went.  My dumbass lawyer didn’t get around to having him served for three effin weeks.

He didn’t care about the divorce part, just the money.  And he was prepared to fight to the death over a cheap little commuter car I had bought with my own separate cash, titled and registered in my name alone, that I allowed him to use to get to work.

I had no trouble getting a court order directing him to leave the car at my attorney’s office.  He, of course, blew it off.

I was willing to fight that one to the death, too. The arsehole was driving around in my frickin car.  Just no.

I decided to repo the damn thing myself.  The worst he could do was kill me.  Worth it.

It’s a great story and I love telling it, should anyone ask.

Ultimately, I fired my idiot first lawyer and hired a brilliant one who normally only takes super high end divorces.  He took my case as a favor to a friend.

Almost instantaneously, ex’s truly incompetent nitwit of a lawyer waved a white flag and requested a settlement conference ASAP.  That was the end of that.  Except for the car. 🤯

Oh, Bee.  You’re supposed to be angry when someone mistreats you.  Totally normal and healthy. You will experience a range of feelings. Ultimately, you will break through to the “thank gawd I escaped that dumpster fire” side. It does take time.

You absolutely have to quit talking to your stbx to make any progress. Any discussion over anything just scrapes things back open. You pay a lawyer to talk to his raggedy ass.

Of course, he doesn’t want to talk to your lawyer.  Your attorney is not going to be bullied and shoved around by this piss ant.

Post # 42
Member
10587 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

elderbee :  

You’re right, as usual.

Next up, he kicks off the smear campaign, telling anyone who will listen how hard he tried and how horribly the OP abused poor little him and broke his whittle heart.

Post # 43
Member
10587 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Amy Elizabeth :  

In most jurisdictions in the US, he can be served via publication in a newspaper of general circulation for a specified number of weeks.  Your attorney knows this.  Or ought to.

Smart lawyers also have investigators who run down family members.

Most people, including neighbors and coworkers, can be either intimidated or bribed into spilling it.

Your stbx is only playing himself by trying to dodge service.

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