Amy Elizabeth :
No, no, no. Abusers claim they don’t want divorces, but that’s not it. What they don’t want is the loss of power, control, and money. They hate the idea that their victims have advocates who know the law and who will not bend to the abusers’s will.
Never belever a single word any abuser says during a divorce. If he says the sky is blue, run outside and take a look.
NEVER DIVORCE AN ABUSER WITHOUT A LAWYER.
It doesn’t matter if you own nothing, have $13 in the bank, and were married for 57 hours. Your attorney is your bulwark against the worst of your abuser’s viciousness. They cannot tolerate it when their prey escapes. If they can’t recapture you, they must punish you.
Never, ever, ever go to couples counseling when there is the slightest whiff of abuse. Any therapist who is willing to see a couple in which one half has shown abusive behavior is incompetent.
I did some skimming of the posts here. Did someone mention serving their own divorce papers? You can never serve legal process when you are a party to the action. I dearly hope no lawyer gave out such horrible and reckless advice.
Professional process servers do this for a living. They’re usually pretty good at it. In some US counties, the local marshals office can also be hired to serve process. Makes a nice impression.
Please let your attorney know if the abuser has access to any weapons (they all seem to). The server may need to have an officer on standby when service of process is effected.
I remember how frightened I was the day my ex was supposed to be served. I had pushed hard for him to be served at work. Not to embarrass him, but, because he would be surrounded by reasonable humans. My incompetent first lawyer would hear none of it.
That awful night came and went. My dumbass lawyer didn’t get around to having him served for three effin weeks.
He didn’t care about the divorce part, just the money. And he was prepared to fight to the death over a cheap little commuter car I had bought with my own separate cash, titled and registered in my name alone, that I allowed him to use to get to work.
I had no trouble getting a court order directing him to leave the car at my attorney’s office. He, of course, blew it off.
I was willing to fight that one to the death, too. The arsehole was driving around in my frickin car. Just no.
I decided to repo the damn thing myself. The worst he could do was kill me. Worth it.
It’s a great story and I love telling it, should anyone ask.
Ultimately, I fired my idiot first lawyer and hired a brilliant one who normally only takes super high end divorces. He took my case as a favor to a friend.
Almost instantaneously, ex’s truly incompetent nitwit of a lawyer waved a white flag and requested a settlement conference ASAP. That was the end of that. Except for the car. 🤯
Oh, Bee. You’re supposed to be angry when someone mistreats you. Totally normal and healthy. You will experience a range of feelings. Ultimately, you will break through to the “thank gawd I escaped that dumpster fire” side. It does take time.
You absolutely have to quit talking to your stbx to make any progress. Any discussion over anything just scrapes things back open. You pay a lawyer to talk to his raggedy ass.
Of course, he doesn’t want to talk to your lawyer. Your attorney is not going to be bullied and shoved around by this piss ant.