(Closed) Wasn’t asked to be a bridesmaid — very hurt

posted 8 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
1064 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@JNE:  That does sound super shitty, I don’t know whatI’d could tell you to do. I’ve also been hurt recently because I was not asked. I haven’t told her I’ve just been supportive. I guess it’s whatever.

Post # 4
1091 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

People have lots of reasons for choosing their bridal parties- I wouldn’t get too bent out of shape about this.  For example, when I was picking my bridal party, Fiance about had a heart attack when I told him we might have uneven sides- he was absolutely, oddly adamant that sides matched. Maybe her Fiance had the same conniption fit (I mean my poor Fiance just could not fathom that anyone would EVER have uneven sides in a bridal party, it completely and utterly boggled his poor little brain).  It could be something like that.

Alternatively, maybe she just felt like you’d done enough. Being a bridesmaid is a lot of work- maybe she wanted to give you a break. 

It’s also entirely possible she hadn’t gotten around to asking you yet- maybe she was waiting to ask you in person or something, when other people weren’t around (I know I wanted to ask each of my BM’s personally, in private, to prevent any hurt feelings and to give them the chance to say “thanks but no thanks” if they weren’t up for it).

My suggestion would be to give it a week or two, hang out with her once just the two of you and see if she brings anything up, and if she doesn’t, go out to lunch or something, one on one, and gently ask her if there was something you did or said that would cause her to exclude you.  Don’t expect her to add you on, and don’t ask her to, but if you’re really this bothered by it, and you’re as close as you think are with this girl, I don’t see how it would hurt to very gently ask.  Don’t guilt trip her, and accept what she says. 

And if you’re not included, just chalk it up to money and time saved, and a probably kind of ugly dress you don’t have to wear ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 5
1212 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@JNE:  I’m going to be completely honest with you and say that she probably has limitations on her desired bridal party size and you were the one she selected to cut. I am not engaged, but I have often wondered how I will handle a bridal party. I am part of a very tight knit 5-some, but because I have others close friends from different stages in my life, and a sister, it would be impossible for me to include every single close friend in my party. When I get married, it is likely I will choose 2 of the 4 friends to be in my bridal party, simply because they are the ones I “click” with most.

I know your feelings are hurt (mine would be too) but remember that making that choice was probably really hard for the BTB and I’m sure it doesn’t reflect on your friendship with her.

Post # 6
5659 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I”m sorry ๐Ÿ™ This would TOTALLY hurt my feelings and I think you ahve every right to be upset and feel hurt. With that being said, BEING a bride, its hard. And as @pinkfrog said, people have a lot of different reasons for asking certain people to be in their wedding party. Such as these other two girls? could totally be harrassing her to be in the wedding and she felt obligated. Or a million other reasons. I think that if its important to you, you should just be honest and tell her that you are hurt, but that you will support her and want to be involved if she’d like. Holding it in and never asking what her reasoning is will only make it feel worse. I’m sorry!

Post # 7
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

You never know what is going on with the bride, probably safe to just be supportive. You could politely ask your other friend if she knows why, I’m sure she must be curious as well.

Post # 8
735 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Perhaps OF was taken dress shopping because she’s been a bride?  It seems like perhaps you haven’t been yet?  Maybe the BTB thought that you wouldn’t want to go shopping?  (Like, hey, I really like a dress, but I don’t know if it’ll work on my body type.  What did you find that you liked?)

Perhaps they just feel like you might be over-wedding’ed-out if you aren’t planning yours at the moment?

There are a lot of possibilities.  A lot of them have to do with “life stage” or interest, or something that has little to do with your friendship and a lot more to do with outside factors.

But you say you go way back; so don’t let this end your friendship.  I wasn’t included in my BFF’s wedding party either.  I got bumped for the SIL (who was in high school at the time.)  – She called me in tears, so the situation was a little different… but I felt like “as long as I still got invited, and I still got to see the wedding I didn’t mind if I was in the Bridal Party or sitting in the seats.  It was her day.  I wanted it to be low stress for her.  In the end I was able to help solve some wedding day craziness, and she asked me to help her get dressed.  I didn’t stand up, but I was in her wedding pictures, and she gave me a gift.

You may not have been cut out entirely, or at all.  Talk to the BTB -quietly, calmly, privately.  Ask her about her plans.  ASk if you can help in any way.  Tell her you want to lend your support and would like to be involved.  You might both feel better after that talk.

Post # 10
776 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I am really sorry! I would be very upset too ๐Ÿ™ do you think you are going to ask her about it? Do you think maybe you have done something to upset her recently? She sounds like she’s being rather short with you. For example, she totally shot you down about the shower and bachelorette parties.

Post # 11
142 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

I know this will be hard to do, but I’d just HAVE to ask if I were in your position. Nicely, and don’t push it. It may still be tacky, but I also can’t imagine why she would do that to you. I’d want to know – it’d bother me too bad to keep it to myself.

Post # 12
811 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

That really is a downer. I can understand why you would be hurt. I have a lot of sisters and a lot of fsils and could not exclude anyone, so I went with the best decision I could have made.

NO bridesmaids at all. One moh. And SIX beautiful little flower girls laughing and squealing all the way down the aisle.

Post # 13
1048 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

i realize it’s the brides day and all that but if you’re really that close i personally wouldnt be able to not ask her whats up.  i would have to know her reasoning.

Post # 14
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@pinkfrog: “Being a bridesmaid is a lot of work- maybe she wanted to give you a break.”

This. My high school bestie is getting married later this month. She didn’t ask me or her other longtime friend to be bridesmaids. Her bridesmaids are her sister and a few good friends of hers from college. Other friend was very offended, but I decided to just let it go. Later, the bride brought the subject up herself and said she didn’t ask us to be bridesmaids because her wedding is several hours away from our hometown and we both are raising young children on tight budgets. She felt it would be unfair to saddle us with bridesmaid responsibilities in these circumstances. I was very glad she felt that way, as I was a bridesmaid a few years ago to a different friend and it was hard on me financially.

It’s possible the bride saw all the work you did for OF’s wedding and just wanted to let you have a break and enjoy being a guest without any added responsibilities. You could always call her or send her a message and let her know that if she needs any help, you’re more than happy to assist her in her wedding planning. That way, she knows you want to be involved, and you come off as positive and supportive as opposed to upset or offended.

Post # 15
107 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@JNE:  I’m sorry you are hurting ๐Ÿ™

I guess I’m going to sound like a b*tch for saying it, but reading your posts and follow-up comments, the only thing I could think of is that she probably didn’t want you in her bridal party for superficial reasons. (IE, they’re all brunettes, weight, whatever). So when you made that comment about her and mentioning your weight, it just went *click* for me.

If I were in your shoes, I think I’d be hurt that she didn’t even address the Bridesmaid or Best Man thing with me after the fact, rather than not choosing me at all. She’s your friend and I’m sure she’s not intending to make you feel so bad, but the way she’s going about it would be way more hurtful to me. All I would ask is that a friend treat me with a modicum of respect and acknowledge that this might be something that hurts my feelings.

If you really want to know the reason, you can just ask her. But it’s hard to broach the subject without making her feel as she needs to add you. 


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