(Closed) Wasn’t asked to be a bridesmaid — very hurt

posted 8 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 62
Member
1991 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

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@mrsSonthebeach:  “an inappropriate expression of emotion, based on an improper thought process”, seriously?  Condescending much? So ridiculous. *Face-Palm*

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@JNE:  I seriously hate the “THOU SHALT NOT UPSET THE BRIDE” attitude displayed on the Bee sometimes. Planning a wedding doesn’t give someone a free-pass to go around hurting the feelings of those closest to them, and then acting like it never happened. “Planning a wedding is stressful”, well hell so are a lot of other things in life. I’ve worked with enough brides to know, that sometimes a Bride needs a bit of a “gut-check”.  If she’s your friend, then you have the right to let her know that she did something that hurt your feelings.  Wedding aside, in any situation where a friend hurts another friend, then both friends need to talk it out.  And if she’s not willing to talk to you about it, then I would assume that she doesn’t value your friendship very highly at all.  I think you should definitely ask her why.  And I think you should make the decisison of whether or not to go to her wedding based on her response.  If the BTB responded to the situation the way some of the PPs have, then I definitely wouldn’t go.  For instance, if she said something to the affect of: “The bride doesn’t have to justify her choices to anyone” or “you’re being oversensitive, you need to understand that its not about you”. These statements would definitely deter me from attending. However, if she was understanding of your feelings and handled it in a reasonable way, then I would go. Now, If she said something like: “I’m closer to the other girls”, then I would go, but get her a cheaper gift.  No need to spring for a kitchen aid stand mixer for someone who doesn’t consider you to be “that close of a friend”. 

 

Post # 63
Member
192 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I only had my sister and my DH’s 2 sisters as bridemsiads in my wedding last year. I never explicitly had a conversation with my very best friend about why she wasn’t included in the wedding party, but I definitely felt some distance from her during the period when she knew she wasn’t going to be a bridemaid, but the wedding hadn’t happened yet. Finally, a few months before the wedding, we were out one night, and both of us had a bit too much to drink, and the subject finally came up – she was hurt I hadn’t asked her, I had assumed she wouldn’t want to be financially obligated, and that she understood why I was just going with family. Things got much, much better after we talked, she ended up being more helpful in terms of DIY and other projects than any of my bridesmaids were, and she did a reading at the ceremony. My point: talk to your friend and clear the air – she may have some reason for not including you that you just don’t see, and it would be awful to lose a friendship over this.

Post # 64
Member
2582 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@SincerelyShe:  THIS.  Planning a wedding is not so outrageously stressful that a bride can use it as an excuse not to maintain her friendships in a mature, kind way.

Post # 65
Member
2902 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@Mandypop: excellent response. As a group of 3 her situation is almost completely  different to some of the examples some Bees have provided about groups of friends.Also, if you aren’t already mature & kind being a bride is certainly not going to bring it out in you (as we can sometimes see on these boards) 

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@mrsSonthebeach:  Wow, just wow. I’m embarrassed for you

 

Post # 67
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

“I’m also guessing that if the BTB had logical reasons for this decision, she would’ve been anxious to give them. There shouldn’t be anything for her to feel awful about if she can actually say “this is why I made the decision I made.” Here’s the thing about making decisions: making the right decision never makes you feel awful, because doing the right thing feels good. Making the wrong decision makes you feel awful, because itis awful.”

OP, this is not your decision to make. You do not get to decide that including you is the right decision. And, its not normal to explain to your friends not in the Bridal Party why they weren’t included! If you don’t tell her you’re upset how does she even know you want an explanation. You seem like you are just expecting her to know you were expecting to be included and you’re hurt you’re not!  

ASK YOUR FRIEND! When I wasn’t asked to be a bridesmaid I was never told by those girls why I wasn’t chosen. In my opinion, that would be weird. 

You say you don’t expect to be a bridesmaid. But you do… if your other friend is. In your mind you are equal to this other girl. But you’re not, you each have a relationship with the BTB and that’s not your decision to make. I just really don’t understand what you want from the BTB. She didn’t chose you to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man. And, if she called you up and said “I didn’t pick you because I’m closer to OF because blah blah blah” you’d be really hurt too. 

 

 

Post # 68
Member
254 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@JNE:  but you are adding drama. You’re not telling her yet. But you’re going to cut off a friendship with her based on some perceived slight without even discussing it with her.  And you won’t even want to ask her in a friendly way because she’s a “moody emotional person”. And really, there are a million reasons why you may not be in the bridal party.E.g. she may not want 3 showers, 2 is enough. She may not want to burden you financially. She may have seen you overextend yourself at the last shower. She may have a closer friendship with the other girl.

Reading this to and fro discussing how she has hurt your feelings and slighted you stresses me out. And I’m not even the bride. If you treasure a friendship enough, you would probably let this go. She likes you enough to invite you to her closest events. If you care about her you will just go enjoy it.

 

Post # 69
Member
1412 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

No one has really addressed this: 

For what it’s worth, I had JUST gotten done saying that I was offended that yet another of our mutual friends had invited OF to her wedding and not myself, when I knew that OF was most definitely not closer to the bride in that scenario than I am.”

That’s two people who have independently displayed that they feel closer to OF than they do to you, even though according to you, you are closer. But these brides’ actions speak for themselves. Have you thought about whether you are doing something to alienate these women without being aware of it? Rather than blaming others and thinking, how outrageous, how dare they not include me–could there be a reason that they haven’t? 

I’m coming at this from the perspective of not asking someone to be in my wedding party who asked me to be in hers–sometimes someone who is a friend in day to day life just isn’t someone you necessarily want by your side on that special day, for whatever reason. It doesn’t make the bride evil or inconsiderate or rude. It just means maybe your friendship has a different dynamic in her mind than it does in yours.

Post # 70
Member
5 posts
Newbee

I can feel your hurt. I ever felt hurt that my friend did not invite me to her wedding. I cheat her as my best friend. One day, another girl talked to me about her wedding, and asked me what gift i would prepare for her. I was embarrassed。She did not invite me…

Post # 71
Member
1512 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

This thread is just ridiculous. Talk to her already! All you’re doing is brooding and getting more hurt the longer you take to bring it up. Unless you want to trash your friendship, talk to her like an adult. If she reacts like a child or never gives you a reason, then maybe it’s for the best that you’re not a bridesmaid since now you can ditch a bad friend. No more over-reacting on the internet. Talk. To. Her.

Post # 72
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

OP, I’m on your side here, I understand why you are hurt but all I can say right now is – talk to her!!

In face, in person, talk to her! Your relationship has already changed because of this, confronting her is either going to make it or break it but either way, you’ll have your answer. Be nice, don’t guilt trip, just ask the “why?” question. 

You’ll feel better and so will she.

Post # 73
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I know it’s hard, I’ve been there, but try your best not to feel hurt by it. I had to leave out 2 of my close friends to make room for family. It was such a tough decision, and something I still struggle with, but in the end I had to do it and if I could go back I probably still would’ve done what I did. They were hurt at first, but I think they realize now that I would’ve never intentionally hurt their feelings.

Post # 74
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I’m going to agree with All In that maybe you’re veiwing your relationship differently. There is saying “If one person says you have a tail, you can ignore it, but if two people say you have a tail maybe you should check.” OP, it sounds like you should check. Talking to the bride in-person is definitely in order.

The trouble with the “group of 3” thing is that regardless of if anyone says it or not, two friends are often slightly closer. It could be because of a single event that the third friend is unaware of. This connection can also shift toward one friend or another at different times, and it makes a lot of difference when the stakes are high.

From less of a “personal slight” perspective, is it possible that she didn’t pick you because she knew that you could handle it? You noted that OF is nonconfrontational. Is she also passive-aggressive? Are the other bridal party members passive-aggressive? Sometimes, when you know to expect specific behaviors from people with weak personalities, you lean unfairly on the person who is stronger. Perhaps if the bride knew that you wouldn’t act out while the others would, that could’ve motivated her decision.

Post # 75
Member
1048 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

update?

 

Post # 76
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Yes, any update? Did you talk to the bride? How did it go?

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