- 8 years ago
- Wedding: June 2015
I only had my sister and my DH’s 2 sisters as bridemsiads in my wedding last year. I never explicitly had a conversation with my very best friend about why she wasn’t included in the wedding party, but I definitely felt some distance from her during the period when she knew she wasn’t going to be a bridemaid, but the wedding hadn’t happened yet. Finally, a few months before the wedding, we were out one night, and both of us had a bit too much to drink, and the subject finally came up – she was hurt I hadn’t asked her, I had assumed she wouldn’t want to be financially obligated, and that she understood why I was just going with family. Things got much, much better after we talked, she ended up being more helpful in terms of DIY and other projects than any of my bridesmaids were, and she did a reading at the ceremony. My point: talk to your friend and clear the air – she may have some reason for not including you that you just don’t see, and it would be awful to lose a friendship over this.
@Mandypop: excellent response. As a group of 3 her situation is almost completely different to some of the examples some Bees have provided about groups of friends.Also, if you aren’t already mature & kind being a bride is certainly not going to bring it out in you (as we can sometimes see on these boards)
No, and that’s a large part of what’s so hurtful about it. I haven’t decided yet if/when/how I’m going to tell her how upset I am. I’ve been trying to give myself enough time to process it and let some of the initial “gut reaction” wear off.
I think this is a pretty unfair thing to say, considering I have yet to make a peep to the BTB about how I’m feeling. I spent at least an hour with the BTB after finding out the details of the Bridal Party, and I did not let on that I was upset because I did not want to ruin the outing for everyone by acting childish and pouty. I’d like to know how that in any way classifies as “adding drama.”
Thank you for the kind words; they mean a lot to me!
Unfortunately, I think this may be what it boils down to in my situation. Everyone has some flaws, and recognizing that, I have always been willing to brush off a bit of immaturity/insensitivity/self-centeredness in the BTB because I thought that she truly cared about me despite not always being the best at showing it. However, I’m now afraid that I may have misinterpretted things. I guess we’ll see.
Thanks all for your responses.
“I’m also guessing that if the BTB had logical reasons for this decision, she would’ve been anxious to give them. There shouldn’t be anything for her to feel awful about if she can actually say “this is why I made the decision I made.” Here’s the thing about making decisions: making the right decision never makes you feel awful, because doing the right thing feels good. Making the wrong decision makes you feel awful, because itis awful.”
OP, this is not your decision to make. You do not get to decide that including you is the right decision. And, its not normal to explain to your friends not in the Bridal Party why they weren’t included! If you don’t tell her you’re upset how does she even know you want an explanation. You seem like you are just expecting her to know you were expecting to be included and you’re hurt you’re not!
ASK YOUR FRIEND! When I wasn’t asked to be a bridesmaid I was never told by those girls why I wasn’t chosen. In my opinion, that would be weird.
You say you don’t expect to be a bridesmaid. But you do… if your other friend is. In your mind you are equal to this other girl. But you’re not, you each have a relationship with the BTB and that’s not your decision to make. I just really don’t understand what you want from the BTB. She didn’t chose you to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man. And, if she called you up and said “I didn’t pick you because I’m closer to OF because blah blah blah” you’d be really hurt too.
Reading this to and fro discussing how she has hurt your feelings and slighted you stresses me out. And I’m not even the bride. If you treasure a friendship enough, you would probably let this go. She likes you enough to invite you to her closest events. If you care about her you will just go enjoy it.
No one has really addressed this:
“For what it’s worth, I had JUST gotten done saying that I was offended that yet another of our mutual friends had invited OF to her wedding and not myself, when I knew that OF was most definitely not closer to the bride in that scenario than I am.”
That’s two people who have independently displayed that they feel closer to OF than they do to you, even though according to you, you are closer. But these brides’ actions speak for themselves. Have you thought about whether you are doing something to alienate these women without being aware of it? Rather than blaming others and thinking, how outrageous, how dare they not include me–could there be a reason that they haven’t?
I’m coming at this from the perspective of not asking someone to be in my wedding party who asked me to be in hers–sometimes someone who is a friend in day to day life just isn’t someone you necessarily want by your side on that special day, for whatever reason. It doesn’t make the bride evil or inconsiderate or rude. It just means maybe your friendship has a different dynamic in her mind than it does in yours.
I can feel your hurt. I ever felt hurt that my friend did not invite me to her wedding. I cheat her as my best friend. One day, another girl talked to me about her wedding, and asked me what gift i would prepare for her. I was embarrassed。She did not invite me…
This thread is just ridiculous. Talk to her already! All you’re doing is brooding and getting more hurt the longer you take to bring it up. Unless you want to trash your friendship, talk to her like an adult. If she reacts like a child or never gives you a reason, then maybe it’s for the best that you’re not a bridesmaid since now you can ditch a bad friend. No more over-reacting on the internet. Talk. To. Her.
OP, I’m on your side here, I understand why you are hurt but all I can say right now is – talk to her!!
In face, in person, talk to her! Your relationship has already changed because of this, confronting her is either going to make it or break it but either way, you’ll have your answer. Be nice, don’t guilt trip, just ask the “why?” question.
You’ll feel better and so will she.
I know it’s hard, I’ve been there, but try your best not to feel hurt by it. I had to leave out 2 of my close friends to make room for family. It was such a tough decision, and something I still struggle with, but in the end I had to do it and if I could go back I probably still would’ve done what I did. They were hurt at first, but I think they realize now that I would’ve never intentionally hurt their feelings.
I’m going to agree with All In that maybe you’re veiwing your relationship differently. There is saying “If one person says you have a tail, you can ignore it, but if two people say you have a tail maybe you should check.” OP, it sounds like you should check. Talking to the bride in-person is definitely in order.
The trouble with the “group of 3” thing is that regardless of if anyone says it or not, two friends are often slightly closer. It could be because of a single event that the third friend is unaware of. This connection can also shift toward one friend or another at different times, and it makes a lot of difference when the stakes are high.
From less of a “personal slight” perspective, is it possible that she didn’t pick you because she knew that you could handle it? You noted that OF is nonconfrontational. Is she also passive-aggressive? Are the other bridal party members passive-aggressive? Sometimes, when you know to expect specific behaviors from people with weak personalities, you lean unfairly on the person who is stronger. Perhaps if the bride knew that you wouldn’t act out while the others would, that could’ve motivated her decision.
Yes, any update? Did you talk to the bride? How did it go?
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