Wasn’t Given a Plus One (in wedding party)

posted 2 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 16
Member
693 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

My fiancé has been invited to at least 3 weddings without me, we’d been together a couple of years at the time of the first one, and yes I was a bit upset, but I’d never met these people and get that weddings cost a fortune especially when you pay per head, so I understand they wouldn’t want to pay for someone they’d never met, especially with my fiancé’s previous relationship history.  

I dunno I guess I just pick my battles and yeah it upsets me, but if I’ve never met these people so I’m not offended. I definitely wouldn’t ask my fiancé to step down as groomsman or to not go to the wedding. There will be other opportunities to meet these people in a much more relaxed environment 

I’ll probably get slated for this but Personally rude or not, I wouldn’t feel comfortable  with people I’ve never met at my wedding, regardless of how long they have been together with a friend. I hate being the centre of attention as it is without having people there gawping at me that i don’t know or who are just there for the free dinner. 

Post # 17
Member
5140 posts
Bee Keeper

You should have let him drop out, that would have been the right move. His “friend” is really disrespecting him.

Post # 18
Member
1497 posts
Bumble bee

 

I agree with her 100%. Your boyfriend is such a good friend of the groom that he’s in the wedding party yet they don’t think it’s important to give him the respect to invite his girlfriend of five years. That’s just insane to me and super insulting. They had to know it would be insulting and must’ve discussed it and just didn’t care. If I had a friend that was good enough to be in my wedding party I would do whatever I could to not insult them and risk our friendship over an invite.   If I were your boyfriend I would meet with my friend and have a heart to heart with him and ask him for an invite for you and tell his friend how disrespected he feels. 

 

View original reply
Daisy_Mae :  

Post # 19
Member
419 posts
Helper bee

Just because this may technically fall under etiquette standards doesn’t mean it is any less rude or hurtful.

I wouldn’t have talked him out of stepping down from the wedding party. They are being disrespectful to both of you. Their actions are saying that they want him to spend a ton of money and time to participate in their wedding, however they don’t care enough about him to invite his long time SO so he can be happy and comfortable at the event.

I’m not a fan of the “But guest lists are hard!” excuse. Inviting SO’s, especially long time SO’s of the bridal party, should be factored in from the start, so it’s really just poor planning and prioritization.

I’m also not a fan of giving the couple a pass on being rude and hurtful just because they’re having a wedding. Getting married doesn’t make them special. They should be held accountable for their actions and choices just like anyone else. 

If I’m asking people to spend their time and money to come to an unnecessary self-indulgent party to celebrate me and my life choice, and especially if they will be spending even more time and money as a member of the bridal party, I feel like it’s my responsibility as a host to do everything I can to make things as convenient and comfortable for them as possible. Inviting their SO is among the bare minimum that should be done. It doesn’t matter if I’ve met the SO or not, if I care enough about someone to invite them in the first place then I should care about their comfort at the event. 

Post # 21
Member
1156 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Yeah no. This is not ok at all. Your boyfriend is spending his time and money to be there to stand beside his friend on his wedding day and they can’t even extend an invite to you, his girlfriend of 5 years?! That is so rude.

If cuts need to be made, they should have cut people outside of the wedding party, IMO. It was very kind of you to convince your boyfriend to continue on with participating in the wedding, but I completely understand why you’re hurt. I’m not sure I would go, even if an invite was extended to me after the fact, TBH.

Post # 22
Member
4594 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

DH isn’t invited to my friend’s wedding. I don’t know anyone else going to the wedding. I don’t have a car. All the local hotels are booked up. Sh– happens. Sorry if that’s unhelpful. We gave everyone a +1. Each to their own.

Post # 23
Member
378 posts
Helper bee

It’s pretty rude they wouldn’t invite you. If you’ve been in a relationship for at least a year, you should get a plus one. If they’re super tight on money, at LEAST their bridal party should get a plus one.

If you end being able to go due to the cuts on people, I would just go. But considering they probably don’t value the relationship you have with your SO, I don’t think the friendship will last too much longer, or be a good one, if you guys continue to stay together.

Post # 25
Member
7529 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Oh hell no. My husband would not have attended nor would have been a groomsmen – and that would have been through no pressure from me. We were together 12 years when we finally got married, and had owned our home together for about 6 years. When one of his friends got engaged DH was invited to the wedding but I was not because we weren’t “married or engaged” (like was like a year before we got engaged) but we had been together for 10 YEARS. DH immediately declined the invite. 

This is exactly the reason why everyone at my wedding was invited with a +1…be it their partner or even if they just wanted to bring a friend. Weddings can suck alone and suck even more when your partner isn’t invited. It’s just plain rude. I always hear people blaming the budget but for me personally my guests comfort is #1. I would have scaled back and planned something a bit more simple to make sure I could invite everyone with a guest than cut people. 

Post # 26
Member
344 posts
Helper bee

If I was your boyfriend, the friendship would be over. Plus ones are for single people/newly dating; you have been with your boyfriend for FIVE YEARS. You are a social unit even if you don’t live together, as many people choose to not live together before marriage or engagement for various reasons. This was an incredibly rude thing for your boyfriend’s best childhood friend to do. You should have let him drop out; that was a good thing for him to offer. This is such a slap in the face to your relationship I could never look at the friend the same way.

Post # 27
Member
613 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

Hi Bee, oops I wrote a reply on this instead of the right thread soz please ignore!

 

Post # 28
Member
1519 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019

I think it’s very odd that you weren’t invited and I agree that as a long-term partner (living together or not) that you should’ve been invited. Weddings make people nuts and you seem to be taking it as best as you can, but it still stinks! 

Funny enough, I’ve never met FH’s cousins and they’ll be invited but only those in serious relationships will get a plus one. So you’d be invited to my wedding because you’re in a serious relationship with someone that is also invited to my wedding. Not that helps, but I think you get the point I am making 🙂 

Post # 29
Member
5762 posts
Bee Keeper

Yea the bride and groom were super rude by not inviting you. If your bf insists on not attending I wouldn’t continue to push it. I’d be pissed off too. Like I’m good enough to spend money on your day but my 5 year gf can”t go? But someone’s 6 month can go. Sorry but F that. 

Post # 30
Member
9153 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
lulamae91 :  Actually, the groom’s transgression here is more than just not giving the heads up sooner. He is being as big a dick as his bride is. Your bf is his friend, after all. Why isn’t the groom saying “this is one of my best friends, his significant other of 5 years is invited”? This is not about how close you and the bride are. If the groom allows it to be about that, he’s just as guilty as her. He is saying “you are not important enough for me to stand up to my fiance’s crazy.” That’s what this is about.

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors