Post # 1
Member
420 posts
Helper bee
First off I know this is petty and I absolutely do not intend to act on it. I just need to vent because I don’t want to tell anyone in real life.
Background info: Fl and I have been friends for 11 years and have now been officially together for 5 years. I have met all of his extended family and I have spent more time with them since we started dating than I have with my own.
7 months ago my fiance’s male cousin (let’s call him Jack) got married. Weddings are a big deal in his family so Fl was talking about it a year in advance. He was so excited I would finally get to go to a wedding in his family and really hyped it up (it was also an out-of-state multiple night affair). Well, I never received an invitation (Fl’s invitation was with his parents). Fl insisted I must’ve been included on his parents’ invitation too and there was no way I wasn’t invited because all his family knows and likes me. I pretty much forced him to make sure he was correct because how awkward/rude of me would that be if I showed up uninvited.
When he did ask Jack’s mom, it turns out I was not invited. Jack’s mom was very polite about it saying they all loved me and I was part of the family, she just didn’t want to intrude on the bride’s plans to have her invite me. To be fair we did not get engaged until a couple months after they got married, but we were living together and apparently when Fl went to the wedding everyone was asking why I wasn’t there.
Logically I understand them not inviting me. We weren’t officially engaged and you have to draw the line somewhere. I’m certain they did not intend to hurt my feelings, but truthfully it stung. I considered them like my own family and everyone was invited except me. Like, if they really thought of me as part of the family, why would they need a marriage licence to treat me as such? Of course, like any mature adult, on the outside I said I understood and it was totally fine.
Now that I’m planning my own wedding I keep having negative thoughts about it, “you’re getting married 10 months after them and you weren’t invited to theirs, why should you invite her”. Of course I will and two wrongs don’t make a right. But I hate that I feel this way and wish I could just get over it, I don’t know why it still eats at me. I would hate to have these thoughts every time I see them on my wedding day. I don’t want to ‘get back at them’, I just want to stop feeling bitter/hurt about it. Anyone been in a similar situation and successfully overcome your hurt feelings?
Post # 2
Member
375 posts
Helper bee
That really stinks. You’re right in everything you said. She didn’t have to invite you, but generally live-in SOs are invited, so she probably should have. But she didn’t, and that stinks.
I would probably let yourself have those thoughts (ha! see if I invited YOU) just because sometimes thinking scenarios like that make you feel better, but ultimately invite them.
Post # 3
Member
355 posts
Helper bee
I get what you mean, but I think I’ve been working in events for awhile, and now planning my own wedding, I think I realized early on that sometimes people just have to make cuts somewhere. My now Fiance was not invited to my friend’s wedding out of town (we were living together at the time), so I went solo. Fast forward three years, I’m inviting both her and her husband to our wedding. I didn’t even remember that Fiance wasn’t invited to their wedding until this post, mostly because other stressors about the wedding have come up.
I totally get what you mean though. The guest list has a way of hurting feelings. Are you inviting all the cousins? If not, you could get away with not inviting them. If you are inviting cousins and just want to figure out how to not feel so bitter about it, I’d say it just takes time. Also, you should remember that it doesn’t sound at all personal. There were probably other situations behind the scenes you weren’t privy too — on our guest list, we’ve had a few issues with close friends/relatives bringing more than one plus on. By the time we found out, those folks already booked travel, so we just bit our tongues and added them. People don’t realize that them bringing an uninvited plus one means either we pull another $125 out of our asses for their plates, or we make cuts somewhere.
Seriously, I could write a book on our RSVP issues. I’m sure there are a few cousins or guests who are hurt, but it’s not personal. I think just realizing it wasn’t personal will help, though I agree with you, it doesn’t make sense that they split up a couple, but it’s possible it was between inviting the two of you, or inviting two cousins solo. The guest list is tricky.
Post # 4
Member
4765 posts
Honey bee
I wouldn’t invite them. I don’t think it’s petty. these people had no respect for you. I’d argue that your Fiance had no respect for you too attending without you, so maybe you cater to people who have no respect for you, but please have some self pride and invite only people who respect you.
Post # 5
Member
1609 posts
Bumble bee
lalanono: She should have invited you as your FI’s SO. It doesn’t matter if you were engaged at that point or not. It was flat out rude and your feelings on the matter are valid. That said of course 2 wrongs don’t make a right as you said regarding inviting her to your wedding.
Post # 6
Member
3470 posts
Sugar bee
- Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA
You need to remember that your feelings are completely off base and put some perspective on it… You weren’t the “only one” not invited, I’m sure they had a long list of people they had to excude, you were just the only person in that immediate circle.
At my wedding, we skipped over one couple who were DH’s friends, they were quite upset because they felt like they were the “only” people left off, but when I explained to them that we also left off almost HALF of my family (I come from a large catholic family) because we were having a very small intimate wedding, they realized that their not getting invited wasn’t a personal snub, it was just how the logistics shook out.
Seriously, you just need to let it go, it wasn’t personal and it wasn’t melicious, weddings are expensive and most brides don’t include long term girlfriends weather they’re “family” or not.
Post # 7
Member
47430 posts
Honey Beekeeper
You really only have two choices: kill the bitterness, or let it kill you. Not literally of course, but harboring negative feelings really only hurts ourselves.
Post # 8
Member
273 posts
Helper bee
Just think of it this way, you didn’t have to buy her a gift but now she has to buy you one. Just enjoy your day and try not to let it get to you. One of my bridesmaids got married a year and a half ago and they did a last minute immediate family only thing. They told everyone via Facebook. I was upset I had to find out over Facebook and bummed about not being able to be in their wedding (it would have been the first wedding I ever attended). I Got over it eventually though.
Post # 9
Member
200 posts
Helper bee
One of my best friends wasn’t invited to her then SO’s sister’s wedding (they had been dating for a few years) because his sister “didn’t want random people in the pictures.” Fast forward to a few years later, my friend is getting married, and that sister is now a bridesmaid is my friend’s wedding.
You’re all family now, you know? Sucks that she didn’t invite you, but it’s a whole new ballgame now. Enjoy being officially part of your new family!
Post # 10
Member
15278 posts
Honey Beekeeper
Logically I understand them not inviting me. We weren’t officially engaged and you have to draw the line somewhere. I’m certain they did not intend to hurt my feelings, but truthfully it stung.
It does suck, but I’d just repeat that. Logically there was a hard line, and you didn’t make it if that’s where they drew. We hear it here time and time again, if you make exceptions for one, then why not others and it’s not fair to others that would not have gotten the same exception.
Post # 11
Member
1334 posts
Bumble bee
I would just think of it as taking the high road; kill them with kindness.
If you didn’t invite them, then they would have every reason to be confident in their choice to not invite you.
On the flip side, if you do invite them, I bet they will feel a little guilty for not including you in their big day especially since you handled it so gracefully.
That really sucks and I think you have every reason to be upset.
Post # 12
Member
5152 posts
Bee Keeper
Personally, I feel that your Fiance should have declined to attend theirs as you werent invited. I get that a bride can invite whoever she pleases, but I do think that is extremely rude. I would be hurt too and I totally understand how you feel. Unfortunately, I probably wouldn’t have the balls to not invite them to yours – unless it was a small, intimate wedding where not all cousins were invited.
Post # 13
Member
322 posts
Helper bee
You stated that weddings are a big deal in their family. I think not inviting them will create more drama than necessary.
Take the high road. It would look very bad on your end to not invite them. They can easily rationalize that they had to make cuts and you weren’t a part of the family or even engaged at the time of their wedding. They are family and it will end up making you look petty.
Post # 14
Member
293 posts
Helper bee
I think not inviting them would just cause drama for you. And you’d end up looking like the bad guy who can’t let anything go. (You said they were nice about it). Just let them come and be understanding that they couldnt invite you. It’s easier to let it go and be happy then to hold grudges.
Post # 15
Member
293 posts
Helper bee
georgetownbee: lol we basically had the same advice 🙂