(Closed) Wasting Time with?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1583 posts
Bumble bee

@jmaze:  why is love one sided? Why should someone give up thier dreams of children and a family for someone just because they love them? If love were enough divore rates wouldn’t be so high. You need to also share values and goals and a willingness to work together.

So yea you can love him but he has to love you too. He has to be willing to compromise and if need be, marry you, have kids, build a life.Don’t be so naive as to think that these women love any less deeply just because they also love themselves.

 

Post # 4
Member
1685 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I love my SO, but I also love myself.

If he didn’t want to get married and have babies, I would have left him. 

I LOVE him, but I’m not willing to compromise of my own dreams.  And I shouldn’t, because eventually I’d resent him.

Thankfully, SO does want the same thing, so we are blissfully happy!

I don’t think these women do walk dates in order to punish/trick/convince their SO.  They do it because as much as they want it to work, they aren’t willing to be strung along indefinitely.  They have walk dates for themselves, not the man.

Post # 6
Member
3063 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I would have walked away if my husband and I had differing views on where our relationship should go. I love him very much, but if the goals we feel are important in our lives aren’t compatible then I don’t believe either of us should have had to sacrifice that or settle for less. I believe that in some cases, “sometimes love isn’t enough”. Just being in a relationship with someone you love, but not getting what you need in return isn’t fair for either of the people involved. Your individual goals and expectations matter.

Post # 7
Member
1583 posts
Bumble bee

@jmaze:  you have kids. many women want them, are older and dont. If your SO said today i love you but not your kids you’d leave. So why cant women who want kids leave a man who says that about her unborn babies?

 

Post # 8
Member
1685 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@jmaze:  If you are happy not being married then you are happy not being married.  I would not be happy.  I want to say my vows to my fiance.  I want to cut our cake together.  I want pictures.  I want to share those pictures with little versions of us. 

I want a love like my parents.

I would regret not getting married and not having kids.  And I’m not sure any man could love me enough to fill that void. 

I didn’t have a walk date or anything of the sort because we were on the same page with this stuff.  But, if he was dragging his feet, promising me these things and never delivering, I would have told him how long until I move on. 

These things are important to me and I shouldn’t have to give them up.

Post # 10
Member
1685 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@jmaze:  But kids are part of the package.  I wouldn’t be pushing for marriage by 30 if kids weren’t an issue.  I would be perfectly happy taking our time.

Post # 11
Member
1583 posts
Bumble bee

@jmaze:  right, but if you loved him and he hadn’t been so accepting, you wouldnt have waited forever for him to come around. That is my point. somethings are nonnegotiable like children. Also, values. Dont think that love means you sacrifice yourself when the other person sacrifices nothing.

Post # 12
Member
9209 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

@jmaze:  I more or less agree with you about most of this, but…  3 years is nothing.  Come back when you’ve been together for say 12 years and tell us if you still feel the same way.  

I felt the way you describe about my relationship for 10 years.  Love him to pieces, would never ever leave him, can’t picture anyone better.  Didn’t care whatsoever about getting married – we both thought that was for lame old people.  

Now that I’m 30 and have a career and thinking about babies, I feel differently.  I gave my fellow a timeline that I would *love* for him to respect – not an ultimatum or walk date by any means.  And sure enough, he thought it was a good one, we’re getting married, and we’re both super stoked about it.

I guess my point is, why so judgey?

Post # 15
Member
9074 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

The day we had our JoP wedding, the JoP commented that neither my husband or myself looked very nervous. My husband’s father, who is an amazing man I might add, walked up, put his arms around us and goes, “That’s because they made a commitment to each other a long time ago.”

It is absolutely 10,000% true.

I completely understand that my situation doesn’t fit everyone. If my SO had never proposed, he would have never been pressured — ever. If eventually we wanted to get married, that would’ve been cool. It was “smart” for us to get married because he is in the Navy, and it would provide me with a lot of benefits I otherwise would not have, plus we get an extra bit of cash in his paycheck, which is nice.

Now, because my situation is so different, I don’t see the “point” in getting married before having children. My parents have been together for 30+ years. They are not married. They are not common law married, because California does not acknowledge a common law marriage. I am 26, but I was under the impression that they were married up until I was 23. When I found out, it didn’t startle or shock me (Although I was surprised) and I quickly dismissed the issue.

I was raised right. I had two parents, I had food in my belly and a roof over my head. I didn’t always have electricity because sometimes, times were tough growing up, and sacrifices had to be made. My parents made those sacrifices together and thus, I don’t see why it is absolutely necessary to be legally married before reproducing.

Does it make things easier? Some things, hell yeah it does! But anything can be accomplished while married, can be accomplished without being married as well. My mother carries my father’s name, and they refer to each other as husband and wife. My parents are lifelong committed to one another, even though sometimes they really act like they don’t belong together.

My point being, a commitment is exactly that, a commitment. You don’t need to be married to be committed to somebody. You don’t need to be married to stay together forever. You don’t need to be married to have a husband, a wife, a partner, a lover, a significant other.

Different strokes for different folks — I get that. Some people, it’s religious. Others, it’s spiritual, or moral, or tradition. I get that. But because human beings have the ability to be so very different, I think it’s unfair to everyone as a whole to say, “Marriage is about…” or, “You need to be married in order to…” because it’s totally incorrect.

Ultimatums to me are incredibly selfish, spiteful, painful things to give. They shouldn’t be given carelessly. If your husband, or family member was drinking away their livers to the point that their health was at risk? An ultimatum is absolutely in order. Something as optional and elective as a marriage? There should be no forcefulness in love. You, hopefully, only get to do it once, and it should be natural, fluid, beautiful and wonderful.

Do I think people who give ultimatums are bad people? No. Do I like those people? No. Could I be friends with one of those people? No. But I don’t deny them their choice. I pity their SO, incredibly much, and I’d be far more likely to side with their SO.

What it boils down to, is my thoughts are this:

If your SO is willing/interested in ever getting married, you’ll know early on. If you don’t, either the person is unsure, or you’re not paying enough attention.

If your SO has voiced that they are disinterested/unwilling to get married, break up with the person. They’re not right for you. You’re not right for them. There is nothing wrong with this, despite how unfortunate it is.

Don’t issue an ultimatum. Clearly this person does not want to marry you, and if you force them to marry you, what kind of marriage have you just built?

Post # 16
Member
9209 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

@jmaze:  Yeah but you weren’t in a relationship for 10 years before getting married, right? 

I just tend to be in the camp, “Don’t judge people if you haven’t been in their shoes.”

(Even though I do agree with you for the most part.)

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