(Closed) Ways to cope with FMIL’s quirks…

posted 10 years ago in Family
Post # 3
30401 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Can you not speak up and set boundaries for this woman? I would make it clear that I feel very uncomfortable listening to her complaints about family and that I am not willing to be part of any conversation criticizing family members.

Post # 4
801 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011 - Bent Creek Winery (Livermore, California); Reception: Family Residence (San Ramon, California)

@julies1949: I think that’s great advice! I’m wondering, does she continue criticizing all on her own, or if you and your Fiance refuse to engage her on the subject, will she eventually stop her criticisms? Obviously there are people who don’t need others to carry on a conversation, but a lot of us really rely on other people to keep talking about a certain subject, so if you don’t respond and engage with her, maybe she will lighten up on the criticism more.

I can definitely understand your situation and frustration, though. Like you, it’s difficult for me to be around people who constantly put others down, especially when you don’t have the same “beef” with the people they are criticizing. 

At the end of the day, though, you can’t change your FMIL’s actions, but you can control your own and how you respond to her. So I think making it clear that you won’t participate and then disengaging from those critical conversations may help with your situation. You may also make a point to be more positive about people around her. Perhaps she’ll come to see how productive and nice being positive is, and it’ll rub off on her. 

Post # 7
558 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Wow, that would be frustrating.

I am starting to deal with my Future Mother-In-Law by ignoring her. It is really the only way. If I have to see her, I will smile and nod my way through the whole thing, but, other than that, I won’t reach out to contact her at all.

Whereas your Future Mother-In-Law is a bragger, mine is a perpetual victim. A trait she passed on to my Fiance…unfortunately.

Post # 8
1395 posts
Bumble bee

I understand totally how you feel.  I love my Future Mother-In-Law to death, as second mother.  But some of her traits are just really annoying to me.  I guess everyone has something about them that annoys others, though, so I feel bad even talking about this. 

Future Mother-In-Law is a total pushover with Future Sister-In-Law.  In fact, I just found out last week that Future Sister-In-Law has been lying about her bf’s criminal record and I told Future Mother-In-Law that this guy who has been in our house has breaking and entering and grand theft auto charges.  She was outraged and planning to ban him from the house.  Guess whose downstairs in FSIL’s bedroom?  The guy also smokes half of FSIL’s cigarettes.  When he’s here, Future Mother-In-Law has to buy them a pack of cigarettes a day.  Future Sister-In-Law refuses to smoke the off-brand cigs, she has to have the $7 pack.  So, the other day I was with Future Mother-In-Law and she said to Future Sister-In-Law, “If you have the money to pay for this brand, you can smoke them.  If I”m paying, you’re getting the off-brand.”  She was all brave and firm around me.  Then, yesterday she went and bought TWO packs of cigs for Future Sister-In-Law and her loser bf!  I was sick with anger.

Future Mother-In-Law also talks about things and never does them.  That is like one of my biggest pet peeves.  Friday she told me about this ghost tour thing in a nearby town and she was like, “Alright, we’re gonna go home, get ready, eat dinner, and go.” I was over the moon excited. When we got home, she went right to her office to get a shot of liquor and sat down to watch a movie.  She does that all the time.  If she doesn’t want to go somewhere she’ll race to her office and grab a shot of liqour so she can say, “I’ve been drinking, I can’t drive anywhere!”  It didn’t make any sense to me and kind of hurt me because SHE was the one who’d brought this whole thing up and was so geared up to go.  Then, yesterday, I waited all day for her to say whether or not her and Future Father-In-Law wanted to go with Fiance and I because you have to make reservations in advance.  She would just do this laugh thing everytime I brought it up, so I called my mom and asked if she and my future stepdad would like to go next weekend.  Now, I think Future Mother-In-Law is mad at me.

Post # 10
1395 posts
Bumble bee

I agree with everyone else about not engaging in her complaining and bragging.  Just ignore her, it works wonders!  I always ignore people when they’re being like that and they’ll stop.

Post # 12
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Lol that cigarette story’ s crazy, id just steer clear of it and ignore. Hopefullt she doesnt talk about you to the other girl?

Post # 13
1316 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Ignore, smile and quickly change the subject – sometimes distraction is the only way you can ask her to stop without actually asking her

Post # 15
2024 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

@Evie19: I have a friend at work like that and she’s the exact same way… she interjects something into every conversation, either making a negative comment “Ugh, I never go to that restaurant, I can’t STAND their BBQ…” or one-upping with her own experiences “Yes, I love that restaurant.  I know the owner and he makes me a special dish every time I go there.”

Once I realized what bothered me about her, I was able to take a step back and just smile blankly when she does it. She’s never going to change, so it’s easy to just ignore it.

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