Post # 1
Here’s some backstory – SO’s sister has disliked me since the beginning of our relationship (about 10 years ago). I’ve never done anything rude or mean to her, but she felt that SO & I didn’t spend enough time with her or try to involve her enough when we started dating [she felt that she and her brother were very close – he didn’t feel the same way, and so he didn’t think having me & her get to know each other was a big deal, and i followed his lead]. Anyway, she’s spent the past 10 years either being rude or ignoring me me, to finally just not showing up at places where I’ll be, including some family/holiday dinners. She and SO barely talk now too – he’s really angry with her about her behavior around me, and her total lack of effort in improving anything. I’ve reached out to her a few times to try to talk and work things out, and she said she wasn’t ready to talk and basically said not to contact her anymore. She and SO have been to therapy together (which i was very supportive of – i basically made him go!), and that went nowhere.
Anyway, we’re getting married in about a year. From everything we’ve discussed, I thought we were on the same page about her being invited but not being involved in any other way (obviously she can’t be my bridesmaid, since she hates me!). Last night SO said something about trying to find a way to involve her. I was floored – he’s been so angry with her – and also a little uncomfortable – it’s weird to have somebody involved in your wedding day who literally will not even say hello to you, and who actively avoids places where you’ll be, even her own house (she lives with her parents, and any time SO and I have gone over for dinner, she conveniently has other plans and is out). But, if he feels strongly about it, I’m willing to try to think of some SMALL way for her to be involved – but I’m not sure what.
Some ideas are to have her do a reading (but do I really want her speaking at my ceremony?), offer to let her give a speech (again, weird – she hasn’t spoken to me and barely to her brother in 7 or 8 years, what could she possibly say? and would she insult me?), maybe have her cut the challah (it’ll be a jewish wedding). Any other ideas? And would you be comfortable having her involved as anything more than a guest?
Post # 3
@BirdieNY: if she feels this way about you, she’s absolutely not going to speak or participate in your wedding. The gesture is very nice, but probably won’t happen. And it’s your day, don’t make it about making ammends with her.
Maybe he can ask her to do something really small behind the sceens. Like pinning on boutonnieres for the guys.
Post # 4
I don’t understand why it’s your job to find a role for this girl. Let your Fiance think of something.
Maybe she can be a bathroom attendant 😉
Post # 5
@BirdieNY: Awkward indeed. I am in agreement with you, I would definitely not have her as a part of the bridal party. I don’t think I would want her to read anything, because being that anrgy at you would come through in a verbal process. I am not familiar with Jewish weddings, so I am not sure what cutting the challah is. But your SO is right, you probally should find something to include her, just to try to extend an olive branch.
See if she wants to cut the challah, and both of you should be there to ask her. However, with the history at hand I wouldn’t expect her to be in agreement to this. At this point in her sucessful attemps to avoid the two of you, I would lean towards that she wouldn’t want to be involved anyway. But still, you have to try.
I don’t envy the position you are in, I have a brother that I am not including in my day. And although I feel bad about it, I know that he would just ruin the day for everyone by physically fighting with his wife. Whatever you decide, remember it is your day. If she says no the challah, let it go and continue on.
Post # 6
she can hand out programs and kippot.
but let Fiance come up with something.
don’t stress about it.
Post # 7
I agree with letting your fiance find a role for her – though I think speaking or being in the bridal party should be out. If she’s so upset she’s avoided you at holidays or actively told you not to contact her, I can only imagine what she would say when she’s given carte blanche and a microphone at a wedding.
Handing out programs is probably ideal, or just greeting people, maybe.
Post # 8
I agree with PPs- let your fiance handle it. Not your problem, dear, it’s your wedding day, stop focusing on making everyone else happy. That’s the biggest mistake you can make.