(Closed) We’re moving in together! How to talk about marriage? (long)

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
466 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@Molly929:I moved in with a guy when I was 24, and I was SURE that it would lead to marriage. But, it was my fault for just assuming and not bringing it up. It’s not unreasonable for you to put it on the table and say “hey, this is what I want”. 

Post # 4
Member
6998 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I was really scared to talk marriage with my husband for the simple fact i didnt want to rush him or scare him away – thats a legitimate fear right? I really pushed for moving in together though prior to marriage but he wanted to keep it fairly traditional and move in together when we got married. It frustrated me because i was staying at his house all the time anyway and paying rent on a place that i was never at so a few months before i got engaged i told him that i was going to move back in with my parents because i just didnt see the point of paying for a space that i was never in. We had a taste of what living together was ‘sort of’ like because i was spent the night there almost every day and weekends i would never leave but i still didnt have a place for my things, i was living out of laundry baskets and overnight bags – but in the end im really glad we chose not to make it official until the wedding – we moved in to OUR new place 2 weeks before.

We always had the small talk, like you, about mariage – hypothetical talks. around the 1.5  year mark there was this scavenger hunt i kept hearing about on the radio and the prize was a 20k dollar engagement ring! i spent weeks and week trying to figure out how to ask him to do it with me without freaking him out – i stressed over this! and it was just a fun game, i didnt think we would actually win. (we didnt) but once i asked him he was all for it and i felt stupid for being so scared – i think that really opened up the door for us to talk about engagement seriously – a few weeks after the scavenger hunt he surprised me one day while we were walking in the mall and he said lets go take a look in there…i was the nervous one then BUT apparently that door was open so i took advantage and when we got home i started showing him rings i liked – i had no idea when or if he was really going to do it, his sister was getting married in august so i figured it would be after that but he surprised me yet again with a proposal 3 months after the scavenger hunt.

its scary! but like you said “just talk to him” i was way more nervous about bringing it up then i needed to be, and once i put the idea in his head it kind of blossomed, he said once he decided he was ready for marriage there was no stopping him, he did his research and bought the ring and he said it took everything he had to wait to propose, he wanted to do it as soon as he had the ring in his possesion. We have been married 8 months and about to hit our 3 year anniversary of when we started dating, so things moved decently fast for us. we got engaged a few months before the 2 year mark.

Post # 5
Member
1189 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

For me, I was OK with moving in before my husband and I were engaged, but I refused to do it before we had a long, honest and deep talk about marriage and the future. I needed to hear from him that he was going to be my husband and the fathter of my children, and that an engagement was something that was going to happen sooner rather than later. We talked about it all–finances, number of children, etc. After that conversation, while my family was against me moving in with him without a ring on my finger, I felt comfortable moving in together and trusted in what we had promised to each other. He proposed a little less than a year later, in our home 🙂

Post # 6
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

Darling Husband moved in with me after a year and I defnitely regret it. He admits that it slowed down the engagement process and I had suspected it might but was too wrapped up in the excitement of moving in with my boyfriend to think about it rationally at the time.

My advice to you is obviously to talk to him, but make the point of your discussion to let him know how you feel about the subject of marriage. Let him know that he doesn’t have to give you feedback right away, but it’s something you want to discuss and hopefully agree on before moving in together. Be prepared to give clear guidance on your feelings and back it up with reasons for why you feel that way. Don’t make the conversation about him, make it about you but mention you want to come to a mutual agreement that works for your relationship.

Post # 7
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

As others have said state your expectations and any timelines you have in mind BEFORE you sign a lease.

Honestly, though, unless you are both sure it will lead to a proposal within 1 year I would not move in with each other. That is really what I would do/tell him.

Otherwise,

Its OK to not be sure right now what you want, but you should make sure you are both on the same page. IF you still are not sure after a year of living together then maybe you will never be sure (especially since you are not 20 anymore).

I would suggest re-evaluating what you want out of the relationship after 6 months of living together. At that time if you are ready for marriage let him know and let him know he has 6 months to decide if hes ready or he can move out (or you). Unless you are OK with perpetual cohabitation that is and not getting married.  

As long as you both know the “rules” it will be a lot less stress. You both know what you are both getting into.

 

Post # 8
Member
351 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@kimbean: This is exactly what we did. We were both direct and communicated what we both wanted out of the relationship. It worked well for us and we both knew that we had a kind of timeline for proposal and eventually marriage. 

Post # 10
Member
88 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Here’s another perspective: this is a chance for you to get to know him even more and find out  if you can really live with this man. And then you can decide whether or not you want to marry him after all. A year into the relationship is not that much time to really know someone. So give it time. If your relationship is strong and good right now, chances are you guys will bond even more. Enjoy this new phase in your relationship, and see where things go…He obviously wants to be with you, and probably also wants to test this out and see what it’s like to live together before he makes this decision. I’m sure he’s thought about it. But it’s not all about him now, is it?

I should add that when my husband (then boyfriend) and I moved in together, first into an apartment and then a house, he became more domestic (the whole “honey I’m home” thing and fixing things here and there helped I think!) and we both felt we were becoming “a family.” Soon thereafter he proposed.

Post # 11
Member
284 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I 100% whole heartedly support living together before engagement and marriage. Being engaged once before to my high school sweetheart, we moved in together after I finished college and were already engaged. We had been together for 7 years–and I was absolutley positive that he was the man that I would spend the rest of my life with…we moved in together, and we fought like cats and dogs–it was insane. So, we seperated. Fast forward to a couple years ago–I had started dating my current Fiance, and the marriage talk happened. I made it very clear to him that I would not get engaged until after we had lived together. He moved in shortly after, and it was the best thing that ever happened to us…if you aren’t itching for a ring, let it go for a little while–I only say that because if you check the waiting boards (I was guilty of this too), once the talk happens, getting to the engaged status can become consuming, no matter how long you’ve been together. And then, if your SO is anything like the rest of the men out there–he will get frustrated and feel like he’s being backed into a corner…since you’ve only been together a year–I’d say give it at least another year if you guys haven’t already talked about it. It took Fiance about 2 1/2 years to propose, and trust me–he took his sweet time =)

Post # 12
Member
284 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I 100% whole heartedly support living together before engagement and marriage. Being engaged once before to my high school sweetheart, we moved in together after I finished college and were already engaged. We had been together for 7 years–and I was absolutley positive that he was the man that I would spend the rest of my life with…we moved in together, and we fought like cats and dogs–it was insane. So, we seperated. Fast forward to a couple years ago–I had started dating my current Fiance, and the marriage talk happened. I made it very clear to him that I would not get engaged until after we had lived together. He moved in shortly after, and it was the best thing that ever happened to us…if you aren’t itching for a ring, let it go for a little while–I only say that because if you check the waiting boards (I was guilty of this too), once the talk happens, getting to the engaged status can become consuming, no matter how long you’ve been together. And then, if your SO is anything like the rest of the men out there–he will get frustrated and feel like he’s being backed into a corner…since you’ve only been together a year–I’d say give it at least another year if you guys haven’t already talked about it. It took Fiance about 2 1/2 years to propose, and trust me–he took his sweet time =)

Post # 13
Member
1278 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I am not at all traditional and neither is my boy, so we moved in after 7 months of dating (we were friends for many years beforehand though.) After a year of living together, we bought our first house. So now we are close to our 4 year anniversary and still not engaged – but I dont think any of this has slowed down us getting engaged.

We both felt it was really important to set ourselves up for the future. Far more important than a ring or a wedding.

Living together is a huge adjustment. Buying property is hugely stressful. Having been through these things together we are so sure of our future together and now its just a matter of him proposing and us formalising what we already have together.

 

Post # 14
Member
3799 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

We moved in together after around 6 months of dating, due to location/job circumstances. I told him straight up – I will not live with someone forever, I need to know if you think this is marriage material. He said he wouldn’t be doing it if he didn’t, and we went ahead and signed our lease.

From about the 1 yr point on, I never hid my feelings about my expectation for engagement and marriage. I knew that it would be easier for both of us if we were able to talk about it from the get go.

You have been together 1 year, so I think that now is a good time to talk about it. You’ve been together long enough that you feel committed enough to move in together…so this discussion probably won’t ‘scare him off’. Be upfront and talk about it in a serious manner – dont’ put yourself through the ‘what is he thinking’ game. It doesn’t mean a proposal won’t be a surprise or that you will take away from it by talking about it – just make your expectations clear.

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