- 4 years ago
So, with regards to my previous post about breaking up more than once and being successful in the end…
My ex and I spoke last night for the better part of about 4 or 5 hours. I could tell it was really hard for him, but I was really proud of the way he opened up to me. There was a particular piece of information that I knew, but needed confirmed, so I asked him a leading question, and he confessed. I didn’t want him to know that I knew, and he could absolutely have lied to me, but he didn’t. And he even volunteered additional information on a similar situation that I wasn’t aware of. He was very transparent, and it was almost like he was a different person. And in fact, last night was the very first time EVER that he’s said “I’m sorry” for the actions that hurt me. He always says “I apologize”, and I know that when he says that, it’s in a placating way, not that he truly means it and feels it. But I felt the emotion behind the “I’m sorry”, and I know that he truly meant it.
We aired out everything regarding the end of our relationship, what all of our problems were, and why we went wrong, with regards to how we failed in the living together transition. We each recognized the same reasons, and acknowledged our parts in each of those reasons and explained why we felt the way we did. He explained to me that the less control he felt over the situations we were in, the more he smoked pot to get away from it all. Which only made us argue more, which made him smoke more, and Catch 22.
I think hearing all of that made me realize more of my involvement and how I could have done things differently to elicit different/better responses from him.
We talked at length about the pros and cons of returning to a relationship on a limited basis, and what we both needed from each other in order to do that and in a positive, forward focusing manner. He explained to me that he had lessened his drinking/weed smoking quite a bit since he moved out, because he realized that it wasn’t making him happy or helping the feelings that he was having. He admitted to not knowing how to deal with things in a more grown up and positive way, but agreed to absolutely try to learn how, and to accept the help that I was offering.
Over all, this went ten times better than I thought it could possibly go. I could see that the last nearly 8 months without me (and almost 6 months before that of being separated but still living in the same house) had profoundly affected him. I could see that he was in a better mindset than he was when I left him. So, we are slowly going to start rebuilding and working together to try to be better and healthier people separately and together. It’s going to take a long time, but I feel good about giving it all a chance, and I hope that the third time will be a charm for us. I truly think that going back to a non-living-together, dating relationship until the situations that caused our living together stress are eliminated or changed, and getting away from the stress than caused him to want to smoke pot all the time, will definitely give us a better opportunity to be successful.