(Closed) I want to push the reset button and be happy with him

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1332 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@haru:  Oh honey, I feel as if you honestly have your answer, and you are afraid to admit it to yourself.

We cannot take back things that happen in a relationship. They cannot be erased, but things can always evolve, change, and be built upon from the hardships, or whatever.  To start over, and pretend our rough patches did not occur is not healthy, because unless feelings are communicated, and unless BOTH parties are willing to work together and adapt together, AND MOVE FORWARD together, then the bandage you put over the burn will fall off, without ever healing. 

That is my first concern for you.  Secondly, I believe whole heartedly that both people need to be ready for marriage, and it should never be forced, but when you bring it up he is responding pretty truthful (imo) both verbally and even emotionally (as in, he ‘shuts down’).  For me, that means the writing is on the wall…he is not ready, and may never be ready to get married.  Period.  Nothing you can do will change that.  By not bringing it up, you are lying to yourself, and by staying with someone whom does not want the same things as you is giving into something you want in life. 

Look, my SO and I have been together for over 2 years.  I KNOW he wants to get married, and I know he wants to get married to me.  When I bring it up, he is communicative and honest about this want and desire, and was able to honestly give me a timeline.  Was it a longer timeline than I wanted, yes, but I was not going to change his mind or pressure him into sooner.  At least I know we are on the same page. 

You are 30…you have a ton of time to find someone whom does want these things, whom will work on a healthy relationship, and whom will give you a family.  Please do not be scared of that age 🙂  Good luck.

Post # 5
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

I understand not wanting to marry someone you don’t think it will work with, but I think it’s pretty cruel that he continues to let you audition for the part of wife, while seemingly having no intention of ever giving you that role. You deserve someone who is excited to marry you. You’ve been together plenty long enough for him to know what he wants with you. And it sounds like he does know, he is just too selfish or weak to admit it to you so you can go find what YOU want and deserve with someone else.

If you’re worried about timeline of family, I’d walk away now. At this point it isn’t too late, but two more years of waiting for a ship that isn’t going to come in, might be too late.

Post # 6
Member
1405 posts
Bumble bee

I could have written the original post.  I had medical issues that led to depression a few years ago.  While I still want to marry my SO, I know that it is going to take time.  And I have also said that I may not wait for him forever but right now I am being patient and taking things one day at a time. Maybe we will be able to get back what we had.  Maybe not.  I am not forcing things.  I try not to have big discussions about the future.  The only way to get him to understand that I have changed is to show him I have changed.  

He once told me that just because everything has changed for me doesn’t mean everything has changed for him.  OP – it seems like he will come around.  Just ease off a little.

Post # 7
Member
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

After 6 years together a man and woman should be able to have a conversation about their future together without him becoming distant even if he’s not ready to get married now.  It sounds like you all have enter the stage where you’re just comfortable being around one another.  That’s not fair to either of you.  Both of you deserve to find the person you definitely want to spend the rest of your life with and if you look hard enough and close enough I think you’ll find that you really don’t want to spend the rest of your life with him. 

Post # 8
Member
982 posts
Busy bee

@haru:  My relationship of 5 years was at a stale point. I went overseas for 10 days to visit my sister. My SO missed me so much, he kept a diary about how he was feeling. He messaged me constantly, and just wanted to hear my voice. Our goodbyes were really hard, I cried, he cried. When I came back, he cried! He was so glad to have me back – he’s terrified of flying and spent the 11 hours I was in the air stressing and worrying. Although we’ve been together for 5 years, we don’t technically live together – although I spend most of the week at his house. When I came back, he brought up living together. Our relationship is better in every way. The time apart gave us both time to assess where we were both at, and what we wanted, and gave us a chance to miss each other – it was the best thing to happen to us. It really could have gone either way. 

so I suggest, maybe a little time apart. Gives you both a chance to think things through separately. For me, it was like a reset button.

Post # 10
Member
1405 posts
Bumble bee

@haru:  I know how you feel.  You have to give him space.  You can’t change the past.  But going forward you can ease off and let things happen. Let things play out.

Post # 11
Member
9139 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@haru:  He likes things exactly the way they are and isn’t interested in changing your situation by getting married.  If getting married is important to you it’s time to move on and find another man who also believes that marriage is important.  Your current guy is happy to only see you on the weekends when he gets to do the deed and have fun before sending you on your way back home; he doens’t seem to be interested in having the type of day-in, day-out relationship that marriage typically implies and I suspect that is why he is in no way wanting or willing to “put a ring on it.”

P.S. Why would he walk away?  You are giving him exactly what he wants, a part time girlfriend with no real strings attached since you’re not engaged or married.  He gets upset when you tell him you want to be engaged and married because he is realizing that soon enough you are going to get tired of the situation and leave him and he will have to search for another gal who will put up with what he wants.

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