(Closed) We are swingers – ask away!

posted 6 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 182
Member
339 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

What an informative thread, thanks so much OP! Your husband sounds like an amazing man and you seem so happy in your marriage. 

Aside from the sexual aspect, what else do you like about these swinger resorts? I checked out the website for one you mentioned and it looks awesome, honestly! Can you describe a typical day there?

Post # 184
Member
601 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@swingerbee:  I don’t have a question but I applaud you for being so open about your lifestyle and find it fasinating how it all works. Thanks for taking time to answer questions I feel like I learned a lot of new information from this.

Post # 184
Member
7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2006

swingerbee:  I just signed up. I hope this works… I need advice. Over the past 2+ years we’ve been going to clubs and having sex with other couples. We’ve seen some in our home on a casual basis. We’ve always been open and sexual with not to much for hangups. We just had a situation that rocked my world. And not in a good way. The couple we met were wonderful very attractive individuals. We came back to the house to play. Always same room. While my husband was busy laughing and having fun pounding his brains out, this very attractive dom proceeded to do things that left me with sores and bruises on my nipples for almost a week and let’s just say I had a horrible time. I am a very strong person and at the time saw this as a challenge that I wouldn’t walk away from but afterwards as my husband pranced around like a teenage boy I found myself resentful and angry. It has placed a huge wedge between us. This has been a lifestyle that we’ve really enjoyed and over a 2 hour tyrst, it’s as though all trust has been broken. I’m angry because he didn’t put me first and he’s angry because I made him feel bad for enjoying himself. There of course is a lot more detail but this is the base. Have you ever experienced anything like this and do you have any advice for getting past it. It feels like we will never be able to do this again and like we’ve lost something precious. Help? 

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by  napili.
Post # 186
Member
3126 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

napili:  Woah.Oh honey hugs!  May i ask why you didn’t use a safe word?And may I ask why your husband didn’t think after care was needed? I can see thart alot of trust can be broken. I really think you both need to sit down and talk. Maybe come up with a safe word if you do not have one. My so and I are in a BDSM relationship and we have a safe word. It is very helpful if things get too far out of my comfort zone. I would say that you should only be intimate with each other until you can get the trust back. I would even say that you two should do after care whether it is cuddling and reaffriming your love and saftey for each other to a hot bubble bath. I am so sorry that happened to you! Hugs!

Post # 188
Member
3126 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

napili:  I feel like you are trying to speak to me lol 😛

Post # 189
Member
7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2006

sumshine.dawn:  Thank you. We do have safe words but it’s never been me to use it. This was someone who I had just met and I thought my partner would step in. He knows I would pass out before using a safe word. I don’t think my partner even realized. He was too into his new playmate to notice. He thought we had a fabulous time. I’ll take your advice about only being with each other and after care. I hope that’s enough to fix this. Thank you. 

Post # 190
Member
3126 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

napili:  You really shouldn’t wait to use your safe word, You shouldn’t wait to pass out before even considering it. A safe word is used for these reasons! You shouoldn’t just rely on your partner to notice. As you said you were with two diffrent people. If i was in your situation I would have been screaming my safeword till i was blue in the face. NEVER EVER WAIT TO USE YOUR SAFE WORD!. There is trust in having a safe word. My dom knows that When I use my safe word we no longer are dom/sub but partners where he helps me with the after care. If i were to wait till I passed out instead of using my safeword I would expect my so to be upset with me. I would have destroyed our trust. The safe word is there as a way to keep our relationship safe. I have used it a few times and I know my SO would be hurt if I hadn’t used my safe word. You should start using your safe word when you need it. It doesn’t sound very safe that you would rather pass out than use your safe word. Lots of love!!! Please keep safe!

Post # 191
Member
723 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

napili: Wow, that sounds horrible! I’m a little unclear about the situation. It sounds like this man raped you. Did you at any point tell him to stop? Did you protest in any way? If so, then what transpired was sexual assault and your husband should be falling over himself trying to support you.

Did you keep entirely quiet throughout? Did you say anything to your husband or try to get his attention while this was happening?

Regardless of whether you protested or not, this sounds incredibly traumatic and your husband should really be supporting you right now. Have you gone into detail about how scared and unsafe you felt during this encounter, and how you felt afterwards? You both really need to keep talking through this as the emotions come up–your anger to him, your upset-ness at what transpired, the fear you felt, etc. This situation has the potential to bring you and your husband closer, but you both need to work at having these difficult conversations.

Please be kind to yourself though. These conversations may be triggering to you and you may even have PTSD if the encounter was as horrible as it sounds. You may want to see a therapist to talk this through with. 

Additionally, I have to agree with the other bee, you have got to use your safe word if you ever ever ever feel remotely unsafe. That is the entire point–to keep you emotionally and physically safe. Otherwise, I don’t think I would advise continuing in this type of relationship. It’s not safe for you.

Post # 192
Member
3126 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

lookingforadvice77:  That is the entire point–to keep you emotionally and physically safe. Otherwise, I don’t think I would advise continuing in this type of relationship. It’s not safe for you.<br />I couldn’t have said this better myself. It sounds like the situation got out of hand. And what was two consenting adults in the beginning turned into somewthing else. I was FLOORED when I found out she doesn’t use her safe word! My SO and I like to be rougt and yes sometimes I do get bruises but I know my limits as does my SO. It really sounds like she may need to talk to her SO. What I am also floored at is that her SO didn’t give her the after care she needs. Alternative life styles require A LOT of negotiantions, talks and understanding as playing with this stuff can be fun but like fire it can also burn you.

napili I would be very upset that my SO was upset that I ” Ruined” his  fun instead of being upset that I didn’t use my safe word. This relationship does not sound safe at all.

 

Post # 193
Member
723 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

sumshine.dawn: Totally! What’s the point of a safe word if it’s not used when things feel unsafe?? You were right on in your comment when you said that using a safe word is a duty both to herself AND to her relationship. But as you also said, the fact that her husband responded to her trauma by saying that she ruined his fun does not signal to me that this relationship has a very solid foundation.

BDSM & swinging both require a huge amount of self-knowledge and PhD-level communication skills in order to be done safely & in an emotionally (and physically) healthy way. If either of those are lacking, they can be emotionally & physically dangerous.

Post # 194
Member
3126 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

lookingforadvice77:  I still can’t wrap my head around it! If I was her I would consider stopping any form of alternative lifestyle. It is better to be “vanilla” and safe then to be any other flavor and  put yourself in harms way whether emotionally or physically. I showed my SO her post and he just looked at me and said: ” I trust you to use your safe word. Please don’t break that trust. While what we do in the bedroom is fun. It stops being fun when you get hurt.” That is how a PARTNER should respond to something like this. Not  you RUINED my fun. UGH. UGH UGH. I just really coudln’t imagine that. And I agre with you on the PTSD! It sounds like she could have it. I also agree with you on maybe she needs therapy after such a situation!

Post # 195
Member
724 posts
Busy bee

This post makes me want to throw up and then cry. /minirant

The topic ‘We are swingers – ask away!’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors