(Closed) we bought the ring! (but i feel weird about it)

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
1669 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I don’t think a lot of people are completely surprised, to be honest. I know when mine is coming and I’m going to pick out the ring so obviously I won’t be shocked. I imagine I’ll still be excited though!

The complete surprise proposal, while I guess it does happen sometimes, is mostly a hollywood construct. Everyone I know when they got engaged knew it was coming. Not the exact day or hour or month anything, but if two consenting adults are headed towards marriage, they’re probably talking about it beforehand. It can still be a surprise without being a complete, “out of the blue, who knew he was even considering it” moment.

Post # 4
4524 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@TrousseauHorse:  Posting here as shown me that the “suprise proposal” may be less common than we think.  It seems like ALOT of gals are very involved in that process, right up to when the ring goes on their finger. 




Since being a member of this site, I’ve even dug deeper into my friends with these awesome, suprise proposal stories to be told in confidence by the bride that the only suprise part of if was when he’d do it: they’d be involved in every step.




I think between romantic movies and brides that want to paint every solitary detail as fairy tale, it creates this idea that an engagement isnt special unless it’s preceeded with a suprise proposal like “everyone elses.”  Unfortunately, life doesnt always work that way for everyone.  Yes, in a perfect world i’m sure some gals would love to not know an engagement is coming until it happens because that is what has been presented to them as status quo their entire lives. Others would also like to be intimately involved in the entire thing as a show of solidarity.  Some women in both camps are very lucky to have it work out that way for them.




I’m finding, though, that the possibility of your or my proposal happening that way is completely up to circumstance. Some guys want to propose but are strapped and the couple splits the ring.  Some girls propose to their guys. Some couples buy the ring together and she wears it home that day.




I’m trying to look at every proposal/engagement as special, no matter what kind I get. 🙂


Post # 5
7311 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

I don’t think it is that common of an experience. Out of all of my friends, only 2 had the traditional surprise proposal. One knew it was coming and was pissed because he proposed while they were both drunk in front of all of his friends. Three decided “hey, let’s get married” with their partners and that was that, no ring at all. One proposed to her husband. One never even got proposed to. Her future grandmother-in-law took her upstairs and told her to pick out her engagement ring from the family heirloom collection. So basically his family decided for him. And I got proposed to in the middle of an argument with a placeholder ring that only fit on my pinky finger. All I could say was, “Are you sure?” over and over and over again. He said “yes” more than I did. It’s now a running joke.

There are a million ways to get engaged, and none of them matter in the least bit. What matters is the marriage and the 60+ years to follow.


Post # 6
1328 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I have a pretty good idea how you are feeling.  We picked out my ring together about 2 months ago (had it custom made so it was a lengthy process before it was ready).  And we had been talking about wedding plans for ages before that.  It really felt like I was just waiting for him to propose to get it over with so we could seriously start planning.

On Friday he proposed.  I didn’t think the ring was done yet and he is out of town all this week, so I thought I would just have to wait until he got back.  So it was a bit of a surprise with the timing, but I knew all the other details.  And despite it not being that big movie moment of shock, I still got totally giddy when it happened.  No matter how prepared you are something about actually having a ring on your finger makes it so…real.  I still had that “holy crap I’m getting married!” feeling.

Post # 7
3078 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - A court...

My so and I are picking out ring together as well though we’ll probably be married (doing things very backwards!) and I like being involved but agree would like a surprise! Which i told him 😛 Maybe he’ll put a lot of thought into it, maybe you won’t be exactly surprised but the effort he puts into it will make you swoon 😛 

Post # 8
2390 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Honestly, I think it’s weird that you’re not wearing the ring.  You’ve obviously decided to get married, so why not wear it and be engaged?

Post # 9
364 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Eh… everyone is different. Which I’m sure you are tired of hearing by now. I proposed to Fiance. And some days I feel a little bit sad that I couldn’t just hold it together and wait for him to propose but then I remember the feeling of insecurity and the break downs I had over the year I was waiting for him. It wasn’t that I was in a rush to get married. But for me I needed to be engaged because to me that meant we were actively working on building a life together. I am happier in my day to day life having gotten my definite answer. And Fiance still wants to get a ring and do the proposal his way too but I have a peace of mind that I lacked waiting for a surprise proposal.

Post # 10
446 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Whatever he is planning in July for the actual “proposal” will be a surprise though, right?  I know that for me I wanted the story of him proposing even though we had shopped for the ring together.

Post # 11
6355 posts
Bee Keeper

It may still well be a surprise. I had been involved in some elements of the ring selection (I hadn’t seen the final result but I had a pretty good idea), and I was pretty damn surprised when he almost chose to propose during sex!

Yes, I said “almost,” he was wise enough to start off that conversation with a bit of a question to me, about how people might feel in general getting proposed to during sex… which gave me a chance to put the kibosh on that idea right before it happened. Still, pretty surprising! And I did not know when/where he would propose after that, either. Some people would be disappointed that there was not more surprise, and most of my peers were more surprised, but personally I’m happy with the way it happened (almost-sex-proposal and all).

Post # 12
169 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

When I got engaged, I knew it was coming (we had a 3 month time frame), and I had picked out the ring. Four other couple friends of mine have gotten engaged this year also, pretty much the same deal. Only one of the girls picked her ring, the other three gave the guy a “general idea” of what they wanted. But they still went to the store and tried them on. Only one of these engagements was a “surprise” (becuase he did it earlier than they had planned) but the rest knew it was coming within a few month time frame. All of us are ecstatic about our engagement, and couldn’t be happier with the way it went! While I knew the time frame, I was still totally shocked when it happened. It may seem weird to you but like others have said, almost every couple talks about timing beforehand. I think it is possible for things to go okay if you don’t talk about it, but it just makes sense that most people have to talk about it! No reason to be sad. No one even really asks about my engagment anymore because they are so excited about the wedding!

Post # 13
3685 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

So happy for you guys! Which one did you end up going with?

Post # 14
405 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Your situation is normal for me b/c that’s how my Fiance and I approached it. We discussed marriage and then took my parents to dinner to get their blessings. From there we started looking at rings and eventually bought one (I did not see the ring before the official proposal). We even had a deposit down on a venue before the official proposal, so I guess we did a lot of things out of order.

The proposal itself was somewhat of a surprise. I knew exactly when it was going to happen (there were only a few available weekends b/c I travel for work, so we pretty much just chose one that worked for both of us), but I didn’t know how he would propose. We also pretended that I had no idea that the proposal was going to happen, so he gave my mom the job of “keeping me busy Christmas shopping” as a way to include her (his mom also helped by being his sous chef that afternoon b/c he made a lot of food). So everyone else thinks my proposal was a total surprise, even though it wasn’t.

Even with picking out the ring and knowing exactly when it would happen, it was still magical. And even with all of that mental prepration I still forgot to say “yes” and instead said “of course,” which has now become an inside joke for us. So don’t fret, it will still be exciting and special.

Post # 15
7217 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@badabing88:  +1


@TrousseauHorse:  I was curious how the married women in my life were proposed to because on the ‘bee it seems like a lot of women are VERY involved and I always thought proposals were a surprise with a ring he bought that she never knew about. Turns out my godmother, mom and three aunts all had “surprise proposals” that they kinda knew were coming and all WITHOUT RINGS. They all went shopping with their fiance after the fact except one aunt who just chose to not have an engagement ring at all!

Post # 16
2299 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@MexiPino:  my dad proposed to my mum without a ring too – they later picked one out together. she says that was very common and this new idea of ‘we’ve decided to get married we’re waiting on the ring’ is super bizarre to her because ‘you’re engaged once you decide to get married!’

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