(Closed) We broke up… and are working on getting back together? Have you done this?

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Do you think we can do it?
    Yes! If you love each other and both have the same goals for the relationship. : (46 votes)
    35 %
    It's possible! : (31 votes)
    24 %
    No, you're too young anyways : (11 votes)
    8 %
    No, I've been there, done that, and it didn't work out. : (28 votes)
    21 %
    Yes! I've been there, done that, and it worked out for us : (15 votes)
    11 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    903 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    @AlexxandraKH:  I’m sorry you’re going through this and I have actually been in a similar situation. It is really hard! I also started dating my now fiance when I was sixteen. We dated for two years, and then the summer after our first year of college he went away across the country for the whole summer. Even though he was supposed to be gone for only three months, the long distance was really hard on us. And I’ll freely admit it, I got a little jealous. He was living on a ranch (where he was working) with a bunch of people our age, they were partying after work, and we just started arguing all the time. Finally, one night when we were arguing, he said he though we needed to take a break. I was completely devastated. We didn’t talk for about a week. Then we started talking once a week, then a few time a week. Neither of us dated anyone else. After about two months, we were talking and he told me he wanted to get back together. So we did, I went out to Colorado to visit him, and we’ve been together ever since.

    I know this is a bit different than your situation, since you are in the same place. I do think that, although it’s fine to hang out as friends, you should not hook up with him at all. Because that does seem a bit, “Oh he wants to have his cake and eat it, too.” It’s just not fair to you when you’re feeling so sad. I know this is hard to believe, and I hope I don’t come off as patronizing because I really do mean what I’m about to say. You are still young, as people are telling you, and it’s perfectly possible that the two of you will get back together, eventually get married, and this will become the distant past. That would be great. But it’s also possible that you won’t, you’ll feel sad for awhile, then you’ll move on and find someone else great. That’s ok too.When I look back on our little “break” I can’t believe we were once so silly that we couldn’t survive a few months apart! But that’s what happens in relationships, they develop, and grow, and mature, and you realize that a lot of things that were once “dealbreaking” problems just aren’t important anymore.

    If you feel like you need to cut off contact, then definitely do that. But if you want to figure out what was off in your relationship so you can fix it and maybe get back together, I think it’s most important that you talk things over calmly, both lay out your issues for each other, and don’t do anything physical. Because that’s obviously not the issue in your relationship, haha, so I think you probably just need to sort out the emotional, mental side of things. Also, since it doesn’t seem like either of you are really “at fault” for the break up, which is also how my situation was, I think it’s important that you BOTH own up to anything you did to contribute to it if that makes sense. I fully owned up to (and now cringe about) me being a crazy jealous person contributing to our break, and he fully owned up to being bad at communicating while he was away. I think that definitely helped us move past those issues. Anyway, I hope this makes some sense, and is remotely helpful. At the very least, I really do feel for you, and I hope it all turns out for the best!

    Post # 4
    Member
    1475 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    @AlexxandraKH

    Hugs! I know you are going through a difficult time right now having to make this decision in your relationship and being sad.  Not telling you at all what to do in this situation because honestly these things can go either way.  My only advice to you is to have open communication with him and make sure you are both on the same page regarding where your relationship stands now and any of the expectations for the future etc.  Because during this “break” that can last for who knows how long…a lot can happen that he does or that you do that may or may not be good for both of you later if you decide to get back together. Like previous poster said during these types of breaks its very realistic for both of you to meet other people that can and may “fill the void” so to speak and these people may end up being temporary, permanent or drive you back to each other.  Things can play out in many many ways…just be aware of that…. 

    I think it’s all fine and good to want to “explore/find yourself/grow up” etc. But as far as cutting all contact completely im not sure if I agree with that – IF you are so sure that this is the man that you want to be with forever and ever, and your %1000 sure about that. Then know that relationships take work on both ends, if you two want to be together for sure you can still slow things down and work on yourselves and work on your relationship slowly, but cutting all contact might result in permanetly ending the relationship (because you two could grow apart from the relationship not getting the nurturing it needs to survive) which would be tragic if that is not what you really hope for in the end.  I would just feel very sad for you for if it did not end the way that you seem to be envisioning it.  Good Luck, hope everything works out.

    Post # 5
    Member
    11752 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Every relationship is different and no one can truly predict what will happen down the road.  I am in the camp that once broken up there is a reason for it and that it just isn’t meant to be, but also there are lots of people that break up and get back together in the future and are copmletely happy.  

    I have a baby sister your age and if this were her I would tell her to cut off the contact (at least for a while), do things for you, be single, just enjoy your time alone. Go on dates – lots of them! Figure out what type of guy you like.  I dated someone from 14-22, thought they were “the one” but honestly breaking up and going our separate ways taught me how much I didn’t know about what I wanted in a man.  I  have dated TONS of guys since then and my fiance is completely opposite from my first love and who I thought at 20 I would end up with.  You have plenty of time, lots of growing to do and experience to gain – I would never tell someone they are “too young” to be in love but I just think you should explore all of life’s possibilities while you are young.  I do think you are handling the entire situation very maturely and think counseling to explore your own issues is a wonderful idea – it will only make you a better person and a better future partner for whomever you end up with.

    Also, being in a relationship for so long at so young really made me dependent on him and it was a very scary feeling realizing this.  It was very hard transitioning to being single.  You are probably experiencing something similar.  The break up and being single was the best thing for me for becoming a strong, secure, independent woman, which is something you seem to want for yourself! Go you – you can do it!  

    If you two are truly meant to be together it will all work out in the future and you will end up there – be it 6 months or 6 years from now.  Good luck, hun.  I’m sorry you are so sad – break ups are never easy (I’ve been through enough of them to know – and they never get easier).

    Post # 6
    Member
    8883 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    I really think it’s possible because you both want the same thing. But you do need to work on yourself a little too and find out why you lost the friendship. Take some time to work things out, but I wouldn’t cut contact with someone you care about that much. Good luck!

    Post # 7
    Member
    945 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    I’ve been in this situation… Just remember, there are reasons why it ended. Those reasons don’t just go away. They have a tendency to creep back up. If your relationship fell onto the back burner because you were too busy, it’ll probably happen again.

    Post # 9
    Member
    684 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2010

    I think cutting off all contact is a little bit like running away from your feelings. I think working on yourself should not require you to cut such an important person out of your life. That being said if that is what your gut is telling you to do then that is what you need and you made the right choice for the moment. If he is still there when you “come back” than you can work on the other issues together and improve your relationship. Once you are ready, keep talking things out.

    My now husband and I dated through my senior years of engineering school, it was misery for both of us. I think I spent at least a couple nights a week at university with my studying buddies and he was going through shift hell at work. We never saw each other and when we did we were too worn out by life to work on us. The last year of university, we had to move into his Dad’s house to save money. A couple of months before I graduated he tried ending the relationship because he knew I was not happy with him and him & his family could never be good enough for me. I refused the break up and asked if we could give it some time after school is over. We yelled, we cried, we huged and talked all night. He agreed that this was a special bond and that he does not want to let go but thiniks I will be happier without him. A few months later I got a job and regular hours, then his hours changed to regular 9-5 too. All of a sudden we started feeling human again and our feelings for each other were blossoming again and we were able to go on dates and week-end getaways and have time for each other and not be exhausted messes we were just a few short months before that.

    Like anything else love also needs nourishment ๐Ÿ™‚ A year later we bought our own house and the relationship took on a completely different tone.  Every year the bond gets stronger and more resilient. With each tragedy, health problem and job loss we cry, we hug and talk through the night until everything that needs to be said has been said.

    Post # 12
    Member
    684 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2010

    @AlexxandraKH:  If it hurts too much than you are doing the right thing. On the other hand if you don’t fight for the relationship who is going to do it? Love sometimes means taking that leap into the darkness. I’ve learned that there is no guarantee ever for anything. If you want something bad enough, you go after it even if it hurts.  It is a balance of happinees and sadness that we all look for. It would be nice if everything was always great but nothing works like that. And if there was no sadness there would be no happiness. In a relationship, you have to work throught the awful parts and look forward to the wonderful memories you will make together. Both of you going through school is a rough patch, well more like a mountain. Only I was going through school and it was awful. If you survive this patch, there will be many others, first house, jobs in different states, possibly kids, other family issues, illness, etc. You have to learn how to navigate the rough waters together as a team.

    There have been several times when I questioned whether my man was worth it. The answer is I might not be able to live with him but I am not willing to live without him, lol. And there were times when it hurt so much, I wanted to move to the other side of the country but I didn’t want to give up on us.

    Listen to your gut, you ultimately know what you want and only you know how to handle your life ๐Ÿ™‚

     

    Post # 13
    Member
    5093 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: January 2012

    My husband and I were sixteen when we started dating.  We broke up two years later.  We both still loved each other, but we weren’t growing up like we needed to.  We said we would still be friends, but talking to him was too painful for me.  I stopped, and we didn’t talk again for two and a half years.  It was four and a half years until we saw each other again.

    We needed that time to grow up, to figure out who we were on our own, to learn how to cope in the adult world.  When we finally saw each other again after all that time, we realized that we still had all those same feelings we used to.  Now, three years later, we’re married.

    Breaking up hurt like hell.  Don’t get me wrong.  It was one of the darkest times in my life, and it took me a couple years to get over it.  It was awful.

    But we’re a better couple now because we had that time apart and that clean break.  I think getting back together after a break can definitely happen, but I also think that you need to be truly apart during that time… and it needs to be long enough for you both to really change as people.

    Do what you think you need to do.  I truly wish you the best of luck.  You may be on the right track.

    Also, I’m sending hugs your way.

    Post # 14
    Member
    1994 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

    @AlexxandraKH:  I agree with the PP that the cutting off contact seems like your are running away from your problems. Me and my SO broke up for 18mos. and then got back together. We worked on slowly rebuilding our friendship and really doing so with no expectations of future reconciliation. He dated other people and so did I. We were not intimate with each other and we stopped calling each other pet names. We were just friends and during this period both of us had time to learn about ourselves. So I don’t really think that it’s necessary to cut someone out of your life unless they have wronged you. I think you need to work through your sadness and not run from it. It gets easier.

    Post # 15
    Member
    2494 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    I broke up with a guy I dated from 16 to 18. I missed him almost every day and compared all guys to him. When I was 21 we got back together, dated three months and he left me, again. At 22 I met my other half and there is no comparison between the two. How you feel is so normal. You might get back together, you might not. I think you are being treated badly by your ex and you need to do what is best for you–which likely isn’t pretending to be ‘just’ friends.

    Post # 16
    Member
    391 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 2012

    @MrsWBS:  This! I was once married around your age and while young (like all young people) I thought I knew what I was doing. Looking back to my younger 20’s I realize how insane I was.

    After you start setting up your career, things will change. That would make a great start for you two to reconcile a friendship. Personally I don’t buy the “waiting” aspect of promises but I’m personally jaded from my own experiences; usually those big promises were broken so I’ve learned to not be with them. If they can’t do it now, it’s really hard for me to believe that they’d do it later.

    Cutting off contact with him will help you clarify what you want in a relationhsip. Dating others can help too. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with going out there, being single, and hanging out with multiple people. Be free. It’s a great source of confidence to know that you are independent.

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