- 6 years ago
Some background info: I am 20 years old and in university for nursing. He’s 22 and in school for paramedics. We have been together for 4 years, and have always been very passionately in love.
This year was crazy. I lived in an apartment with roommates for the first time, school was extremely time consuming and stressful, and on top of the 28 hours of class, 16 hours of clinical and countless hours of homework, I also worked 20-25 hours/week. Since we were both so busy, we only really saw each other after 8 pm and usually it was to catch up, talk/hangout until 10 or 11 and then go to bed. It was pretty much the only way we could see each other. Also, I had this obsession with saving money (and for good reason!) and literally NEVER went out or did anything costly.
Needless to say, our relationship really lost the friendship. It became more of a burden as I felt I was being pulled in 10,000 directions and he felt that he was being ignored/underappreciated. Anytime he brought these feelings up, I would basically sweep it under the rug because I felt that it was just one more thing that I needed to deal with. If only I had realized what damage I was doing…
He broke up with me right after school ended for the summer. It was sort of mutual, but also sort of on his radar. When i began sweeping his feelings under the rug, he just started spending all his time with his friends which in turn made me feel like shit. So instead of saying this, of course, I became possessive and started to get upset when he would hangout with his friends because I felt hurt that he was spending more time with them. So we talked about how I had become controlling all of a sudden, and how our relationship was just belly-up and neither one of us knew what to do. His words exactly: “I don’t know what else to do except for us to break up, take a time out and get the friendship back. If we can get our friendship back then we will talk about what we can do in the future.”
I ABSOLUTELY AGREE with what he said. Our relationship as it had been for the three years prior was loving, supportive and fun. We lost that this year.
That said, I am incredibly sad every single day. It has been about 6 weeks now, and even though I see him 2-3x every week and our friendship is slowly but surely becomming what it used to be again, I still go home afterwards and cry. For the first month apart, we were hanging out but no longer sleeping together, and these past two weeks we’ve been going on… “dates” (I suppose you could say- things such as bike trips, and then out for dinner, going to a comedy club, going to see a movie, doing a day trip to the islands — I live in Toronto– etc.) and he’s invited me back to his house afterwards.
Every single woman I talk to, young or older, has told me that he has got it made. WHILE this is true, he also hasn’t wronged me in any way, and I’m not into playing “the game” and getting him to “chase me” and “miss me” so that he wants me back. Instead, I want to legitimately discover what/why certain issues occured and change my attitude, and he has been doing the same on his end. In the end, I want for us to emerge as stronger, more mature, and willing to work on the relationship with a better perspective. We have talked about what we want, and he agrees that he wants the same.
That sad, due to my sadness, I feel that I need to “cut contact” with him. Since I was 16 when we got together, I also feel like we have grown up together and this breakup is harder to handle because I have never really been without him in my adult life. I want to ensure that, if we go back into the relationship, I am a stronger, more independent and confident person on my own. The fact that I still feel sadness irregardless of how well our progress is coming, indicates that this is a good decision that I need to make for myself.
A friend of mine, who had a similar experience (except in her relationship they were just not a good match and didn’t really have a friendship to begin with), summed it up for me: “you can either cut contact, figure yourself and your feelings out, gain clarity, and emerge stronger and better than before, or you can feel sad until the day, IF it comes, that you get back together. But if you’re just waiting to get back together, then you will never make any true progress because you’re only focused on him. You have to focus on yourself.”
So yesterday, I told him that I needed space and time. He was very supportive and understand, and said that he will back off and when I am ready, he will be there.
So far, I feel good about my decision and even better about his response to it. My goals are to seek counselling- regarding ways to handle stress, etc., to backtrack on my control issues and work on being confident in myself and his feelings for me so that I don’t fall into another spiral of trying to control him:/ (I am not even naturally a control freak, I’m actually very laid-back… I really don’t know how/why I got like that :@), to be happy on my own accord, without him so that when we are together it enhances happiness for both of us.
Like many of the people in the posts I’ve read on here, breaking up has only made me realize how much I really do love and appreciate him. Unfortunately it comes too little too late.
While I am young (20), and EVERYONE always tells me the same thing, I have conviction that we are meant to be. Everyone always tells me that I’m young and need more experience with others, and he’s not the only fish in the sea. But after four years together, I KNOW…not just think, but KNOW and BELIEVE that we were meant to meet and that we are meant to be together. I’ve known since about .. well truthfully 3 months of dating but I’ll say “6” months just because I don’t want to be “naive”. This is the person that I want to marry and this is the person that I know I will be happy with for the rest of my life. I’ve grown more in love with him as we’ve grown up and I think that we have a great foundation but I also realize that this is a time for action and change.
Sorry for the long post, but what do you think? And have you ever had a similar situation or even just broke up but knew he was the one and eventually got back together? Please share with me 🙂