- 5 years ago
This is going to be long, but thank you for taking the time to read:
A little bit of background; last year I moved down to the city and into a “young professionals/families” type of neighborhood. My two girlfriends and I are renting a townhome mere blocks away from all the popular dining/bar spots that everyone gathers at night or on the weekends, especially during football season. I met my Fiance online, and we had our first date at a bar literally three doors down from my place. When we first met, he was quiet, kind of boring to be honest, but I was impressed with him. He had a “real job” and had his own place with no roommates. For me, that was impressive. My hometown is a very wealthy place where all of the guys still lived at home in their mid twenties and worked part time at the car wash. Needless to say, I was impressed with my FI’s independence.
After our first date, we moved kind of fast. We saw each other two days later, and then never parted after that. He worked about 10 minutes from my house and would come over every day after work, and eventually sleep over. In fact, he would get off around 3-4 PM, and wait outside in his car for me to get home (he was a teacher). It was exciting at first! I loved that I had the attention of this man who was so great. I made him three meals a day, even packing his lunch for him to take to work. I wanted to impress him!
After about two weeks, I needed at least ONE day to myself. Even after I tried the playful, “oh, don’t worry about coming over today! Go to trivia with your friends!” he would still come over. I started to get annoyed.
After a month, we were “comfortable”. This man officially had a drawer in my dresser and I was grocery shopping for two people. My roommates didn’t mind him coming over all of the time because he was quiet, and they were busy doing their own thing anyways. I found myself constantly paying for him and taking care of him. He never slept at his own place anymore and I never met his friends. When we went out, I would pick up the tab and it would always be with my friends. He never even really got to know my friends because he was so quiet. He was “that guy” always surrounded by a bunch of girls – he never invited his friends to hang out with us!
I started to get frustrated at this point. He would suggest that we go to Trivia night with his friends at one point and I told him “no, that’s okay. Why don’t you go! I’ll see you tomorrow.” But he refused to leave my side. This should’ve been a huge red flag but I ignored it – reasons I’ll never understand. When summer came around last year, he wasn’t working (teacher). Little to my knowledge, he didn’t get paid in the summer because he elected to get paid 10 months out of the year rather than twelve. I didn’t know this at the time, and it had been about three months of us being together. Since he now had half of my closet to himself, toothbrush in the bathroom, and a key to our house, I asked him to start contributing to rent. After discussing with my roommates, of course. I only asked for $250 and he complied, but he also got out of his lease at his own place, which he didn’t tell me.
He eventually got a job as a camp leader. Great! However, he kept running short on funds. I noticed he never used his debit card anymore and only cash. I needed to help him with things such as gas, food, entertainment, etc. I did his laundry because he didn’t feel comfortable going through my roommates living area to get to the laundry machine (her room was in the basement). I would say the only thing he did for me was walk my dog at night to the park saving me some time to unwind.
Eventually, in the early weeks of school starting up, I exploded. I knew that my attitude had gone WAY down hill because of this and to be honest, I was talking to him like he was a lesser human. I eventually blew up at him yelling at how sick I was of taking care of him, I don’t view him as a man but as a needy little boy who can’t take care of himself. I left for work that day, and came home to all of his things gone. I was shocked and upset. I don’t know why I was upset when I think about it. Turns out, his “friends” (coworkers) had come to “rescue” him from a hostile living space and they took all of his things with him.
After begging and pleading with him to please come home, his friends started messaging me from his FB saying they took his phone and that I’m a horrible person. I mean, they used really vile language, and at the time I felt I deserved it. I was at the mercy of these people. Then, logic kicked in. How would they know all of these details about our relationship? I had never met them before. Apparently, my Fiance was talking about me to them. All of the issues that HE was having, he told them, not me. He was nice to me. That’s about it, though.
A weekend passed and by Monday he had come back “home”. I apologized for the way I treated him and went into major ass kissing mode. Why did I want him back? I think it was me just feeling like I did something wrong with my attitude. I wasn’t looking at the actions he had made, or lack thereof, but the way he treated me was always with kindness…so I thought.
After a month, Halloween had arrived. Even after his friend treated me like shit, I asked him to invite them out. He didn’t. We went out with my friends and I thought we were having a great time! Then he was hiding his phone from me. I asked him who he was texting and he said his brother. Lies. It was his female coworker and they were talking shit about me again. I didn’t understand the lie. That was my main focus, and when I questioned him he stormed out of the bar (drunkenly) and said he was going to find his friends. I didn’t chase him this time. I sat with my friends at the bar and enjoyed my night. He didn’t come home the next day, but Sunday, he was calling me. He wanted to come home. I was very hesitant, I didn’t trust him anymore. How can you up and leave the person that you “love” at the drop of the hat…twice?!
He came back, but I would say that’s when I just didn’t give a flying fuck anymore about him or our relationship. I disregarded all of his feelings. I didn’t care how I spoke to him or him me. It was hostile. Eventually, after three months of him not being able to pay rent, I packed his things for him and kicked him out. I didn’t care! It felt like I had lost 170 lbs immediately! He cried that he wanted me back and whatever, but I’m done ladies. I’m done!
I came to find out that he ended his apartment lease without notifying the offices, and leaving all of his belongings in there. They’re now suing him for the remainder amount he owes in his lease. He also was having his paycheck taken out of his checking account by the IRS. I’m not sure of the details with that. There are a bunch of other discrepancies with his finances, but I think you get the point.
Now, about two months later, he is still asking for me back. He wants to come home. I’m cooled off at this point, and feeling guilty for how I had treated him. I don’t want him back at all, but part of my mind is saying to just let him come back so that I don’t feel guilty anymore. I honestly don’t know what to do. I cared for this person so deeply at first and thought he was a blessing to my life, but now I despise him and have felt used for wayyy too long.
I just need words of encouragement to confirm that I shouldn’t let him back. I need to know that what I did was the right thing. I feel terrible for making him “homeless” aka sleeping on couches but in the same breath, when is he going to get it together?!?!