We chose to be CFBC- I'm pregnant.

posted 3 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 2
Member
1529 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

I just want to say I’m sorry you’re going through a tough situation! This must have come as an incredible shock, and I can’t even imagine! There’s no right or wrong thing to do here. I hope you and your husband are able to talk it through together and come to a decision that you’re both at peace with. ♥️

Post # 3
Member
11482 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I can only imagine how stunned you are.

I know that your belief system very likely differs dramatically from mine, but I will share this with you anyway. My hope is not to upset you but to help encourage you.

You said, “This wasn’t my plan.”

And you faithfully took all of the appropriate steps you knew to take to make sure that the plan you and your Darling Husband had agreed upon would be the plan that you followed.

So, I would like to suggest that you and your Darling Husband at least consider the possibility that, although this definitely was not your plan, it very likely is Someone Else’s plan. And, even though it may scare you beyond words, maybe it could actually turn out to be an amazing and wonderful plan.

 

Post # 4
Member
240 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I’m CFBC also, and I wouldn’t know what to do if I was in this spot. I’d have to have a long talk with my guy first, and I think that upcoming talk you’re about to have will give you some direction. Above all, don’t feel like you HAVE to go one way or another. This is your body, your decision. No one else’s.

Post # 5
Member
181 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I can’t imagine what you’re going through. We too are CFBC and hubby had a vasectomy back in December. If we ever fell pregnant and even if we had “all our ducks in a row,” so to speak, I would still choose to terminate. Motherhood and/or pregnancy is never something I would choose for myself and with respect to PP, shit happens and birth control fails. It doesn’t necessarily mean anything that it did. I know your emotions are everywhere right now, but I urge you to really think about all those reasons you chose to be child free and make sure you don’t scare yourself into doing something you don’t want to, just because it’s a hard choice. If you really truly have a change of heart and choose to be a parent, then so be it. But termination is a real and viable option if you want it to be. Hugs to you and good luck. 

Post # 6
Member
6714 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

I am so sorry you are going through this. Not that he can make a decision for you, but have a heart-to-heart with Darling Husband about it and see where he stands. There’s no crime in changing your minds, if you both lean that direction, and there’s also no crime in wanting to remain CFBC. I hope that talking with him will make you feel better about whichever decision you make. Good luck.

Post # 7
Member
243 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2019 - City, State

I’ve just logged in for the first time in over 3 years (usually lurk these days) to say how sorry I am that you are having to deal with this.

My partner and I are also CFBC and strangely we had the talk again today about the fact that if we got pregnant by accident, we would be terminating. It is something we feel very strongly about and I’m so grateful that we both do feel the same way. It is very easy to say that when it isn’t happening though and although I know I would never change my mind, I do have some small worry that he might, so I can only imagine how scary it must be for you factoring in two people’s thoughts and decisions which may change.

Please take care of yourselves and each other – this is likely to be a very stressful and emotional time for you both.

Thinking of you.

Post # 8
Member
56 posts
Worker bee

I’m probably going to upset people with this but I’m going to say it anyway. Myself and my husband do not want children at all at the moment. It would cripple us financially to the point where we’d struggle to live, I hate my job and am trying to change career and even though we love one another deeply and are happy together, our lives in other respects are nowhere near what we want/need them to be and a child for us would be catastrophic. Bearing all this in mind, 2 years ago I fell pregnant. Similar to you we were very careful and I even took the morning after pill as I had a worrying suspicion that the condom hadn’t been effective so I wanted to make doubly sure we were ok but I still managed to fall pregnant. We really agonised over our decision over what to do and it was incredibly hard but we opted not to continue with the pregnancy. We knew we couldn’t provide properly for a child and give it the life it should have and despite us hating having to do it, I can’t say that I regret it and know it was the right thing to do. Afterwards we both mourned the experience similarly to a bereavement and it was a tough few months following it but I still know we did the right thing for us and have no regrets. I was 5 weeks gone and so the baby hadn’t formed past being a tiny yolk sack which made it slightly easier to take, though it was still incredibly hard. I realise your situation is different as you’re more settled in your life with your job ETC but it’s similar in some ways. I would never tell someone what to do in this situation as it can only be about you but if you do decide that you can’t go through with the pregnancy then that is ok. I struggle with the idea of terminations still despite my own experience but i think if a child isn’t 100% wanted or the parents can’t give it the life it needs or deserves then it is a kinder option all round as despite how good a person someone is, having a child that you don’t 100% want can lead to resentment and an unhappy situation for all involved. That being said, this could also turn out to be wonderful for you and you may well love the idea after doing some thinking. If you aren’t too far along then you have time to think and decide. I realise I may not be helping a great deal but I don’t want to talk you into one option, i just thought my own experience may help you a little. 

Good luck, whatever you do will be right for you but make sure it’s exactly what’s right for you. This isn’t a time to worry about what others might think as it’s about you and your husband.

xx

Also, please no-one else judge me for what I did. It was the right thing for me to do as I could not have given a child a good life.

Post # 9
Member
13861 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’m so sorry you’ve found yourself in this situation. I have no advice for you, but just sending you good thoughts for whatever you decide.  Neither path ahead of you is an easy one, but I hope you find one that you and your Darling Husband are at peace with.  I know whatever you choose, you will choose it with all of your options laid out in front of you and the knowledge of what both choices will mean for you.  Best of luck, my friend. 

Post # 10
Member
10114 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I know this is very simplistic but: if you don’t want a baby, don’t have a baby. There is no reason that your plans for your life have to now change unless you want and choose for them to.

Goodluck making your decision, bee.

Post # 11
Member
2912 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

Oh honey! Please let us know how it goes. You are absolutely entitled to make any decision that is the right decision for you. If you know it’s not right for you to add another human being to your family, don’t do it. The right decision is THE RIGHT DECISION, regardless of what anyone else might think.

Post # 12
Member
585 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

ohembee56 :  You’re probably in deep discussion with your husband right now, and I hope you guys are working through this. I just wanted to let you know that I had an abortion and I’m happy to talk about it with you if you want to hear my story, have any questions, or just want to vent. 

Post # 13
Member
659 posts
Busy bee

louise66 :  Thank you for sharing your experience. There seems to be this huge taboo about talking about termination so support for people who are struggling with the decision and no support or sympathy at all for people who decide to terminate. 

I’ve never had to make the decision and I am committed to the idea of children anyways but I remember how hard a time my mom had. She had an abortion at age 47. Logically, I think she made the right choice but I remember her being sick as a dog and crying for days. 

Post # 14
Member
930 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

I’m so sorry you are going through this. My husband and I are also CFBC and this is honestly one of my worst fears. I am very pro choice and I say that if that were to happen, then I would choose not to have the child. Actually being faced with the decision is a different thing. We are here to support you and I am sure you and your husband will come to a choice that is best for both of you individually and as a couple. There is no right or wrong choice here. Good luck with whatever choice you come to fellow bee. 

Post # 15
Member
2433 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Adoption is also a viable choice if you feel that you should continue to be child-free. I am blessed to have as family 4 people who were adopted. 

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