Post # 1
I’m concerned, bees. I am not a virgin and neither is my husband (ahh! husband!). Even at the beginning of our relationship, it took him 4 dates to kiss me. We had sex for the first time after many months of knowing each other. Since then, we’ve only had sex maybe once a month, and I am the one to initiate it. I’ve brought it up a couple times – I’ve talked about how I don’t feel as though he wants to have sex with me b/c he does not initiate it. He just shrugs his shoulders and has no reason as to why he doesn’t initiate. I’ve asked if he’s attracted to me, if there’s any issues physically with anything, etc etc. He always says there’s no issues and that yes, we should be doing it more often. But then nothing happens.
I don’t know what to do. I feel like there is something wrong with me. Could he really just be an ‘unsexual’ person? Do they make 20something men that way? LOL. It’s not like he’s been sexual in the past and then suddenly isn’t – he just never is. What should I do? Or do I need to do anything? Should I just let it be, and if he wants to he will?
Post # 3
Have you tried lingerie? Toys? Videos? From what I’ve read in the past when men/women are not very sexual it may have something to do with how they were raised and how they were taught to view sex. Do you think that may have anything to do with your husband? Maybe he’s never been taught by a woman how to be very sexual and initiate sex. If all else fails there’s always counseling. It could be a good tool for the both of you.
Post # 4
I’m not trying to be crass or negative, but the top 4 reasons for divorce are sex, money, in-laws, and children. Intimacy is definitely a big deal in a relationship/marriage. I really think that perhaps further discussing the issue with your hubby would help, and if he is still uncommunicative perhaps seek therapy.
It’s possible that his reasons are embarassing for him personally and he doesn’t want to tell you for that reason. While I understand that thought process, it’s definitely important to discuss these types of issues with your SO.
Post # 5
I don’t think you are crazy at all and I think you need to have a serious talk with him to let him know that this upsets you. I would even consider going to couple’s counseling to discuss this issue. If you keep letting it go and it upsets you, it will turn into a bigger and bigger problem over time.
His sex drive may just be a bit lower than yours, but for someone his age this does not sound completely normal.
Post # 6
I do believe that some people have different drives than other people, so it could be that he just has and has always had a low drive. What would happen if you didn’t initiate for a while? Would he step up? It seems good that you’re talking about it at least. Maybe you could come up with a good “goal” for the the month and it could be a fun “project” for you to work on together? It sounds kind of unromantic but it could be fun if you treated it like a fun thing?
Post # 7
I would suggest a sex therapist. He may have issues with himself, not you. Good luck, I hope everything works out for you.
Post # 8
Two questions. 1. When you do initiate.. does he resist? 2. When you do have sex.. is it enjoyable for both of you?
Post # 9
It’s a lot harder for private people, but I think you should seriously consider going to see a sex therapist. The therapist will be able to help you both put into words how you are feeling about your sex life and help you to initiate positive communication about each other’s wants and needs. Intimacy is a big deal in a marriage, so you should tackle it just like you would tackle any other big obstacle in a marriage; with professional help.
Post # 10
I agree with the counseling. Mental blocks can hinder a physical relationship, so perhaps there’s more going on there with him but a counselor would know the right questions to ask.
I’d advise against “just letting it go”. You both need to get on the same page about it otherwise you could end up getting frustrated and looking for attention elsewhere (I’m not saying you’d do it intentionally).
Also is there anything else that could be an issue? Like work schedules that don’t sync or one of you being a night owl while the other is a early riser? Do you spend enough time together?
Post # 11
I don’t want to alarm you or act like your marriage is doomed, but this definitely an issue you want to figure out sooner than later. A lack of intimacy in a marriage can lead to the partners feeling like roommates- sex is a vital part of keeping any relationship healthy and intact. You have to have that closeness and without it, the relationship can definitely suffer. A previous poster nailed it when she said it’s one of the main causes of divorce- not to mention infidelity. People need that closeness and if they aren’t getting it at home, they tend to find it elsewhere. In my opinion, seeing a counselor or sex therapist to work this out now would nip a lot of problems in the bud that might pop up further down the road.
Post # 12
Do you think he might be gay? It seems like there’s a missing piece of info in your story.
Post # 13
@olive25: The man just got married, he probably just has a low sex drive…
Post # 14
I think a sex therapist would be a very fitting solution. Like bees above mentioned it sounds like it is a problem with him, not how he feels about you. Sex is a complicated and complex part of life… but a very important part of marriage! I would bet that a therapist would be able to work wonders… might not be an easy road to travel but it’d be better than ignoring it and being unhappy down the road. Good luck!!
Post # 15
- Wedding: June 2010 - Ceremony - First United Methodist Church; Reception - My parents' house!
could he be on prozac, lexapro, or any other similar meds? those are things that also kill a sex drive besides those mentioned above.
Post # 16
- Wedding: June 2010 - Indiana Memorial Union
Is he on any sort of medication? Is he overweight? Does he exercise ever? All of those can affect sex drive.