Post # 32
I did think twice about posting and I apologize, but I didn’t mean it to be rude, I meant it to be an honest question. Also, I’m not sure why asking whether someone might be gay would be rude–that seems to be a rather unusual response. I didn’t mean it in a malicious way, like “Oh that’s gay” (which is way I would never use the word) I meant it as an alternate possibility way.
To me, someone in his twenties having a low sex drive that is not matched by his partner, without obvious clear reasons, such as medication or illness, does seem to raise a question about why. I don’t think everyone NEEDS to have an intense sex drive, I am simply pointing out that the original poster felt that her husband’s sex drive was unusually low. I would ask myself why–whether it was a medical or psychological reason.
I have dated a man who was bi- and I have friends whose fathers were gay and I think that it’s something I would wonder. This is the all-time generic statement–“I have friends who are gay,” but it’s true, and every time a friend who is a gay man talked about his experience dating women before they came out, they talked about how they tried to be as unphysical as possible.
Obviously, your husband may have a low sex drive for totally different reasons, but I do want to point out that I wasn’t trying to being rude, I was mentioning an alternate possibility, which granted, would make you question your marriage, but is not totally unheard of.
To the posters who have mentioned that this may just be a normal sex drive, I would possibly agree, but since the original poster’s headline is “We didn’t have sex on the honeymoon,” which I think IS truly unusual for a newlywed couple.
Post # 33
Im really sorry you are going through this – sexual and intimate issues are probably the hardest to talk about in a relationship and you have to be very careful about doing so. Partners can become very defensive when their partner brings up an issue that they have in the bedroom.
However, it doesnt mean you are doomed. Like many bees said, there are MANY things that affect your sex drive. Certain medications (definitely Lexapro and other SSRIs), alcohol use, drug use, lack of exercise, depression, anxiety, stress at work, other medical issues, etc.
If you want to have sex more often then I would first suggest that you initiate more. Maybe he is just lazy and doesnt like the initiation part. Then once you have been initiating for a little while and having sex more regularly, you can bring it up in a non-bedroom conversation that you would like to try new things or that you are so attracted to him you want to have sex more often. If you dont want to have sex more often and just feel some sort of “pressure”, then dont worry about it and just be happy together. What works for others is not necessarily what is going to work for you! Good luck 😀
Post # 34
I actually agree with you on this one. My very first thought when I saw her post was “Maybe he is gay”. It is a hard thing to think about, but it could be a possibility just as much as any of the other things could be. However, I think that would be a lot harder to determine and/or talk about with her husband so I dont know if thats the best starting point.
Post # 35
We didn’t have sex much on our honeymoon either (because my period showed up a week early, lovely!). My husband has a low sex drive too, and we can easily go three weeks or so without having sex. We both have different times of the day that we feel “in the mood” and it honestly doesn’t really bother us. We cuddle, hold hands, and feel otherwise intimite.
Post # 36
Honestly I didn’t think that your question was rude. Of course it might have been misinterpreted because you just asked a one liner. I am not going to lie, that was one of the things that came up in my mind when I first saw this. But then, if you guys didn’t live together before you got married, then maybe once a month is not bad… I think? But for the honeymoon, that is very very unusual. Sometimes people do get into a rut especially after a long time, kids, work etc. But for newlyweds, I think he should go see a sex therapist. This is for him. If you do want to go see a therapist on your own to deal with how you feel about not having enough sex, then you can too. But it’s something he has to do by himself. I agree with PP who say sometimes the way we were brought up shapes our attitude towards sex. Maybe that’s what’s happening here. No matter the outcome, I wish you good luck.
Post # 37
- Wedding: June 2010 - Indiana Memorial Union
Here’s a little article about low sex drive from the Kinsey Insitute. She recommends some books at the end.
Q&A: Low Sexual Desire – How Do I Get Interested In Sex Again?
Post # 38
I am sorry but I am a bit confused. Are you feeling anxious because he doesn’t have a lot of sex and you think that there is something wrong with that or because you both are ok by not having a lot of sex and you think something is wrong? If both of you are fine with not having a lot of sex then there is no problem. Some people have a bit of a lower sex drive then others.
Post # 39
is it possible that he does a lot of masturbating? my husband wants less sex with me when he’s been having lots of sex with himself. ask him how much he’s doing it and you may be surprised.
Post # 40
My husband has a low sex drive too. He is always stressed out with his responsibilities. I always initiate it. Although this is not my ideal sitution it is not a deal breaker. He shows me he loves me everyday and when we do have sex it is good. He said he use to have a high sex drive in high school/ college and he thought he might me a sex addict. lol He said he always wished for a gf that wanted it all the time. He got what he wished for. Well his sex drive has calmed down since. But I dont think you need to worry.
Post # 41
I can atest to the fact that they do make unsexual 20-somethings. My BF is 30 and has only had sex with 2 people (not me). I’m also in the unsexual catergory of 20-somethings. Sure, I’ve had the opportunity to, but for some reason books and video games and TV appeal to me more. Same goes for the BF.
Sometimes I do start to think that something is wrong with me when I fell like I am also initiating the kissing, but I have just come to the realization that he is not a sexual being. So we sit and watch TV and talk to each other.
You should definitely talk to him though, more and ask him different questions. Ask him what he thinks might turn him on. If he doesn’t give you anything, try talking to a therapist. I know that is not the answr people want to hear, but they can do wonders. If it comes down to the fact where he just feels like doing it once a month, then you have to decide what is most important…your love for him or your desire for sex.
Post # 42
I would let him know your feelings. Does he cuddle, hold hands etc? I would keep initiaing it, even if it’s only you that does it. Maybe it’ll just take a while to get him comfortable enough with it. Let him know that you desire affection! If it does’nt get better I’d seek counseling.
Post # 43
Many of you have made me feel a lot better. With planning the wedding and all I’ve become very very stressed lately, and this is one more thing that’s been on my mind. Thanks bees, for ALL the comments, from all different perspectives. I’m going to talk to him about it again tonight just b/c it’s on my mind and I want to make sure he and I are on the same page.
Post # 44
Has your husband ever discussed his low sex drive with his doctor? There are a wide variety of medical problems that can cause this – thyroid, low testosterone, high blood pressure, prostrate problems, etc. A lack of interest may hint at hormone problems. It would be good to rule the possible physical causes before assuming the cause is mental.
Post # 45
Well, you’ve always been like this so nothing has changed in the relationship. This is something that you honestly should have discuessed BEFORE marriage, NOT after. It’s going to be really hard now to change anything b/c it seems like you will basically have to change who he is. But either way you should absolutely talk to him about it and consider counseling.
Post # 46
And I also recommend your husband seeing his doctor, but if he doesn’t care then it might be pointless.