- 8 years ago
- Wedding: April 2010
I am a fairly regular poster on here, or at least I check up on this site a lot for wedding inspiration, but I wanted to go under an anonymous name for this.
I suppose the subject line says it all, but I’ll give a little background on this. Basically, my Fiance is the only person I have ever dated, kissed, and been with. I never dated around growing up, and always figured that if it were the right time for me to marry, then the right guy would come along in God’s time. Well, after a strange series of events, the man I am now engaged to came back into my life, and we knew soon after we began dating that we both had every intention of getting married to each other.
My fiance dated a handful of girls before me and had a bad experience with an overly aggressive girl during his freshman year in college, but overall, we are both pretty discerning people who never had the mindset to fool around with anyone or to date for fun, or whatever, or have sex.
Anyway…both of us had every intention of waiting until we got married to have sex. That was just what we wanted and knew what was in God’s best interest for us. But I guess after we got engaged and set the wedding date and things finally started to fall into place, one thing let to another, and we let our focus fall more onto ourselves and less of God, and we wound up having sex. Then a month later we did again, and again and again. I guess when it comes down to it, we just keep subjecting ourselves to the same situation and keep progressing to sex.
Every time it happens I always want it in the moment, because of course I love him more than anyone and he’s the only man I want it with. But every time afterwards I am always in this funk for a day or two and I know it’s not what God wanted for us. Sigh, I know everyone on here has different opinions on sex before marriage, and my fiance tries to sympathize with me because he understands what we have done compared to what God wanted, but he’s a bit more okay with what we have done and doesn’t let the emotional side of it take over after the fact. We are both secure in our relationship and if there wasn’t that trust it would have never happened, but it did, and now I’m just a ball of happiness and then lust and then a feeling of fulfillment and then a feeling of loneliness, since we don’t live together, and nobody knows we have sex.
To tell you the truth, I am just jealous of people now who have the strength to truly wait until they are married to have sex, because I always thought I was, but now I know I wasn’t. And not only that but I don’t know what to do now that we have had sex more than once, and it’s becoming what we naturally want for each other.
Ugh…again, I know everyone on here has different opinions on sex before marriage, but I always came from the opinion that I wanted to wait until I was married, and so did he. I don’t really know what I’m asking for on here, because I know I love him and we will be married in less than a month and a half now. I know God is a merciful God, but I also know he doesn’t want us to keep letting this be a stumbling block for us. Something is just off with me, and I don’t know who to turn to as far as friends/family/church family goes because I know nobody would have ever seen it coming and ugh, I don’t even know how I would react if I told someone haha. So, I am turning to the internet where I can post with an anonymous name and see what happens.