Post # 1
I know, I know: second mom-related post in a 24 hour period.
im not going to get into the gory details all over again (you’re welcome to read back through my old posts for further insight), but we are dealing with the mean, volatile, delusional, alcoholic and pill popping variety.
She sent me a guilt-laden set of texts yesterday, which I didn’t respond to on the advice of other bees who understand her type……so she sent about 20 in response to today, getting really out of line, calling me a selfish bad daughter and insulting my boyfriend. She got incredibly nasty.
With all of this behavior in mind, not only do we not care to deal with her but made the decision together that she is no longer welcome at our wedding.
We are not “officially engaged” yet, but I’d like to find a solution to this before that happens.
Do we just not tell her when he gives me my ring? Do we completely leave her out of everything? Or do we tell her she’s not welcome when that time comes?
Post # 3
@badabing88: I would just tell her straight up after the next text that you have more respect for yourself than to keep people in your life that have so little respect for you. Tell her she raised you to be a strong and independent woman and that if she cannot carry on a positive relationship with you then you will be forced to limit her involvement in your life. Then when she doesn’t get an invite to the wedding and isn’t welcome, it’s her own fault – she was warned.
Post # 4
First of all, I’m sorry that you’re dealing with all of this.
Second, I would keep things quiet for as long as possible. However, once the invitations are to be sent, I can’t see how you could keep it from her anymore. So I would get in touch with her then and just tell her what you’re planning to do, but that you respectfully want her to stay away as you don’t want any drama that day.
Best of luck!
Post # 5
@badabing88: We’re not inviting my father, for similar reasons. He’s a real piece of work, and I’ll be 1000% happier without him there.
As for your question – no, I didn’t tell him when I got the ring, and he was never given any indication that he would be invited. However, he did hear via family that I was engaged; once word got back to me that he knew and wanted to come, I wrote him a long, long letter about why he was not invited. Not sure if you want to go that route, but it seemed to work for us. Everyone (including him, now) understands our decision.
Good luck. PM me if you ever need to talk.
Post # 6
@eocenia: @BeeandBeeBride27: That’s definitely the route I’m considering: just not mentioning it until I absolutely have to. Thankfully, she has alienated everyone else in our family so there is no one that I can imagine would leak the happy news to her.
@TwoStatesBride: I actually sent her a shitty text in response that simply said: “wow. I’m very sorry for being such a profound disappointment. Thanks for the heads up! Made my weekend.” She started backpeddling REALLY fast and I ignored her follow-up messages.
Thank you guys SO SO much.
Post # 7
@badabing88: normally with my mom i cant say anything so passive-aggressive or it just adds fuel to the fire. i just have to kill her with intellectual, calm and monotone responses.
Post # 8
Ugh, I hate that you’re having to go through this. We are going away without anyone else, but my dad gave me a huge guilt trip and believe me, he got an earful when I finally decided to call him back. People like that will just never learn, and all you can do is limit your contact.
Post # 9
OP, I’d go with something like TwoStates said. I just would put something like that out there, so she doesn’t have a reason to blow up and try to ruin your engagement period. I mean, she WILL still try, but at least if you put it out there early that she’s on limited contact and walking on extremely thin ice, then YOU will feel better holding to the consequences when she clearly crosses the line. Also, don’t let her try to worm her way in with the engagement. It’s a lie, another tactic – and she’d just try to get you back in line. Just keep as much of your engagement away from this woman as possible. It sucks that you had such a crappy mom but that just means you’re going to be a fantastic one (if that’s what you choose 😉 Good luck with everything!
Post # 10
@whammy: +1 right back atcha, actually..
my mom FREAKED OUT when she found out FI didn’t tell her he was going to propose to me before he told anyone else. she tried to make it all about her and how horrible of a slight it was that she didn’t know first. i specifically told him not to tell her beforehand, because she would lord it over me forever (“yeah well obviously your husband doesn’t love you because he told me he was going to propose to you before he did it” or some shit) and i’m glad he didn’t.
id just try to disconnect her from that particular part of your life as much as possible so she cant make it about her…because she will. my mom has definitely tried over the course of the past year.
Post # 11
@badabing88: What a $hitty situation… I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with a mom who is throwing all that crap at you.
If you feel that having her involved in your wedding in any way, shape, or form, would be detrimental to the happiness your big day should hold, then don’t include her. If there’s a chance she can calm down and respect you and your soon-to-be-FI, then let her in on little details, but don’t give her a huge role in it.
And hey, if you really want to make sure she can’t f it up, elope!
Post # 12
Yikes I just read your previous posts. Holy crap your mom is super toxic. Continue to ignore her texts/phone calls/emails and regarding the wedding, you said none of her family wants anything to do with her so chances are nobody will say anything. I just wouldn’t bring it up with her. You have EVERY right to not invite her and her shitty attitude towards you.
Post # 13
@badabing88: I am going through the same situation. When we got engaged, I didn’t tell my mom right away and when I did, I told her like a was no big deal. Like, ” Oh btw, we got engaged last week.” And we are now eloping in Kauai, Hawaii instead of having our wedding, like we were planning because we don’t want her to be apart of our moment that’s suppose to be a happy, exciting moment for us and all she’s done is make my engagment bitter. She doesn’t know our new plans and knows nothing of me moving out on Wednesday. She pretty much isn’t going to know where I live or anything about me anymore. So I know exactly how you feel. I’ve also been called selfish and she insults my FI. So don’t worry, take care of yourself and be happy in your life.
Post # 14
@mrs_pudding_pop: Man am I trying to. She used to live over an hour away but when her husband filed for divorce she decided to move like 20-30 minutes away and likes to daily tell me that she “moved that close to see” me, when the TRUTH is that she moved into that house because it was the only private renter who wouldn’t run a credit check on her. So that’s her new go-to: “I moved this close to be near YOU and the LEAST you can do is come see me.” *eyeroll*
@whammy: Thank you 🙂
@TwoStatesBride: She is pulling the SAME bullshit about him not “asking permission” or for her “blessing” first……and he *hasnt even proposed yet*! I nicely let her know that he wouldnt be asking permission of her or anyone else and she threw a HUGE fit and hasnt let it drop since.
@BlondeBee: I truly, 100% think if she is there she will do something dramatic. She has at every other major event she’s ever been invited to. At my highschool graduation, she rode up from out of state with my late grandmother and proceeded to act like a royal bitch to my dads side of the family AND chewed out my then boyfriend in front of EVERYONE for a fight he and I had had *2 years before*. At her fathers funeral, she was told by her family they did NOT want her getting up to say anything but she did anyways (knowing they wouldnt make a scene) and proceeded to stand up there ranting and crying and completely making up stories about her and her father that everyone there knew weren’t true.
My stepmom, 3 younger half sisters, as well as my boyfriends family will ALL be there, none of which will have met her and she’s sure to put on a huge show. I cringe playing over all the scenarios in my head: her yelling at someone, her interrupting the ceremony, her trying to make toasts, etc. She’s a nightmare.
@Bazinga: Thank you :-/ I feel I do too….She’s just so over the top and unpredictable. Everytime I see her calling I cringe.
@echolove: Yes, you and I have very similar mothers, unfortunately :-/ I bet you are getting SO excited to move out 🙂
Post # 15
@badabing88: ask her if she has a penis. if she doesnt have a penis, there is no etiquette rule saying he should ask.
i’m telling you, somewhere in the universe our mothers are the same person. 0.o
Post # 16
@badabing88: Given her track record, I would say to not have her there, but that could backfire… as in her showing up and causing a huge scene. Is there *any* chance at all you can talk some sense into her?
If not, I’d start looking up security guard services.
She sounds like a piece of work. Ugh!