(Closed) we dont need gifts…how do i tell everyone that, politely?

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
3625 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

You will find a ton of opinions on this on the Bee. Generally, it is frowned upon to ask for money or specific gifts (e.g. Honeymoon fund) with the exception of certain cultures where it is expected.

Most will advise putting in the link of your wedding website on the information card in your invitation and on the site, put your honeymoon fund information (but no, “we love money” type verbiage). Other than that, you may rely on word-of-mouth to spread the word.

I still would encourage a small registry in the event that 1) you have a shower thrown in your honor or 2) someone just doesn’t want to give a cash gift. (In my experience, people who are financially strapped seem to prefer giving a tangible inexpensive item than tucking $20 into an envelope. Also in my experience, people who are more like acquaitances, such as work colleagues, tend to prefer giving gifts rather than cash as well, even in the form of a honeymoon fund.)

Post # 4
Member
1659 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

We made a small registry wih upgrade stuff for traditional people who want to give a gift. We would prefer cash, but there’s absolutely no polite way to suggest that. The way I see it is that gifts are absolutely not required, so I’m not comfortable telling guests how they should gift.

Maybe just don’t set up a registry at all, and hope that people get the message. 

Post # 5
Member
1361 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Yes, it’s tacky.

Post # 6
Member
431 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@KehlyA:  All you can do is not register for anything, or keep your registry very small.

Post # 7
Member
2359 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@KehlyA:  You will get quite a mix of responses on this topic.  We signed up for a honeymoon fund, and we put the cards in our invites too because we know it’s fine by the people we are inviting.  They will have no problem with it at all.   basically it comes down to knowing your family and friends and knowing how they will feel about it. 

some people on the board find it “tacky” and “rude” but i don’t give a sh*t what they think.  ahaha.  That’s what we wanted to do, and that’s what we did, and our family and friends are totally fine with it.  🙂

Post # 8
Member
3182 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I am not a fan of mentioning gifts at all in the invitation.  If you want cash you can opt not to do a registry, but be prepared for some random things people will get you.  Word of mouth is the best way to get that message across. Of course that’s only if people ask.  

Post # 9
Member
3182 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@lilbluebird:  Agree on the cash strapped=gift.  I know when I’ve been broke I would feel much more comfortable giving someone a $25 thing than that amount in cash. 

Post # 10
Member
735 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Around here the general consensus about honey-funds is split (I don’t care for them, myself).  Asking for money is a little more frowned upon – though some bees don’t think it’s wrong – we usually chalk it up to “what is acceptable in your culture?” And very few people think it’s ok to put registry information (or any mention of gifts) in the invitation.  And poems or cute sayings don’t make it better.

The reason it’s wrong to include information about registries in your invitation is that an invitation is supposed to contain all of the important information that a guest needs to know in order to attend your wedding.  Extra information is not included.  Because of this, if we stick our registry information in the envelope with the invitations it implies that the guest MUST know about the registry (and is therefore expected to purchase a gift) in order to be welcome at the wedding.  –  Now there are plenty of bees who will tell you that it’s the norm in their area or social circles to include the information; and it very well may be, but it’s still not considered polite – according to etiquette.

Using a poem or cute saying doesn’t hide the fact that you’ve asked for a gift or for cash – and some of them are pretty over-used. 

If you would like monetary gifts the most polite way to handle that is to not register.  When people inquire (they might ask your mothers, your bridal party or either of you directly) the response should be along the lines of “KehlyA and her Fiance are already set up in a home.  They really don’t need anything.  I’m sure that they will be pleased as punch with anything you might wish to give them.  But they are saving for a house.” – This gives guests the heads up that you won’t be offended by cash gifts, but it doesn’t actually request a gift or cash.

Post # 11
Member
3625 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I think not having a registry at all will yield a mixed bag, depending on your guests. Some guests will always feel comfortable giving an item so you may end up with three tea kettles. Conversely, you may end up with a wad of cash. Not having a registry is a signal, to me, to be prepared for the unexpected.

If it is a small wedding of close family and friends, you will likely end up with cash since they know you both. Although to put it into perspective, Fiance and I have everything. We also registered for upgrade items but no honeymoon registry. HOWEVER, we still have good friends that are trying to “be creative” with their gifts. NO, that does not equal cash. YES, they know we still need money for a honeymoon.

Post # 12
Member
10 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2013

So funny, I just posted this same exact question. Some of these responses are super harsh! 🙁

Post # 13
Member
1068 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

Personally, I think registries are EXTREMELY EXTREMELY EXTREMELY tacky! How is it tacky to say, “we don’t need stuff” but it is NOT tacky to say, “Here is a list of stuff we want.” It’s all tacky.

I would prefer cash, but if someone wants to buy me something, that is their perogative. Either way, I’m just not going to say anything about it.

Post # 14
Member
3625 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@Natalieh86:  DITTO! I remember when I was cash-strapped that having even four drinking glasses in a nice big box looked so much more impressive than like $25 in a card.

Post # 15
Member
3667 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I think mentioning gifts at all with the invitation is a big faux-pas. If you have a wedding website, you could mention it there. I would just say don’t register and hope for cash (or have your bridal party spread the word), or do a honeymoon registry.

 

Post # 16
Member
1659 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@Tangled:  The concept of a registry is strange, but people will ask where you’ve registered – nobody will ask “how much money should I give you for your wedding?”

Many guests expect a registry, so I’m totally okay giving a straightforward answer to their question if they ask where we’ve registered.

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