Post # 1
My boyfriend and I are not engaged yet. The ring is bought and I am just waiting for the question! A few weeks ago we booked a venue because our #1 venue only had one date available in Sept/Oct 2013, so we snatched it up. Our parents will be splitting the cost of the reception, so they obviously know about this. My parents haven’t told anyone, but his mother immediately got on the phone and told his entire side of the family, despite my boyfriend asking her to keep it quiet. Needless to say, I wasn’t very happy about that as I would have liked my boyfriend and I to have the fun of telling everyone once we actually got engaged.
This past weekend we went out to his cousins birthday party. Everyone congratulated me and it was a bit awkward, but whatever. Then his cousin (who has three daughters and is known for being a jerk) proceeds to say to us “Just please invite the girls. They don’t have to be in the wedding, but just invite them. They’re already bugging me about it.” Well my boyfriend and I intend to have a child free wedding. We didn’t really acknowledge what he said at the time, but now I’m not really sure how to handle this. I feel as though he just put us in an awkward situation. And clearly my boyfriend’s Mom also let out that we were planning on having no kids there.
So I pose the question to you all. Would you let his cousin know that kids won’t be invited or just send the invite to him and his wife and let them realize it’s adult only? He is the type to just show up with the girls. Do I invite the kids to avoid the fight? Because his cousin will cause a stink…that’s the kind of guy he is. Help!
Post # 3
Just say no! Say something along the lines of the truth: that inviting everyone’s kids would make it way too expensive.
Depending on the venue, you might consider allowing kids at the ceremony though. That’s the part young girls want to see anyway, in my experience. They don’t care about the reception, which is basically an adults’ party. We had a church wedding and a number of guests brought their kids to the ceremony only.
Post # 4
It’s so much easier if you can react immediately when confronted with behavior like this.
” We have chosen to have an adult only wedding.” is all you need to say.
Don’t make any excuses about budget, the size of the venue etc. There wil always be someone who offers to pay for extra guests or squeeze more people at their table etc.
Given that didn’t happen, rather than have this family start planning and possibly buying the girls’ dresses etc, I would have your Fiance call his cousin and set him straight right now.
Post # 5
@julies1949: +1 exactly this!! Nip it in the bud now, otherwise you’ll end up with a mes later!!
Post # 6
I would enlist the help of your Future Mother-In-Law. Its her family, let her deal with that drama.
Post # 7
Have you really thought about the no kids thing? What is your reason? It is a highly political decision and I recommend you think about it, talk to your families, and make sure your consider all sides. If you do say no kids, what is the cut off? What about families with one kid over and one under? Please prepare for these questions before you get the ring and have to answer to everyone.
I really thought about no kids, but we decided that a kid free wedding wasn’t worth the fight. We made sure parents realized it was open bar with adults who like to black out and let the party animal friends know there are 40 under 18s invited. We will be inviting kids to the ceremony (it is a church, so it is an open door policy and you cannot keep them from coming), will be seating non-family 1-12 years olds downstairs with a babysitter, and then everyone is welcome for cake and dancing.
Having this policy got us good will with the parents and most people that I have talked to are leaving the kids home. They don’t want their kids exposed to open bar craziness, with an unkown babysitter, a long mass, and lots of behaving. It was way easier than trying to explain Susie wasn’t invited because I don’t want to pay $10 for her kids meal or she may be a brat.
Post # 8
See that’s just the thing. I don’t think it needs to be a political decision nor do I think I should have to explain our decision. The bottom line is that it is our decision and I would hope people would respect that and not question it.
We know everyone who has kids and the number is pretty small overall. Everyone’s children are under 12. One of the cousins daughters is 16. We didn’t feel it would be fair to invite her and not her sisters, so our intention is to just not invite anyone under 18.
Regardless of the why, we do not want children at the ceremony or reception. No one will have a problem with it, but the cousin. So my only concern is how to deal with him.
Post # 9
I wouldn’t explain yourself at all. Just say you made the decision to have an adult only wedding. Adult = 18. Done!
Post # 10
@Miss Otter: +1. I agree, it’s your wedding you don’t have to explain yourself.
We chose to have an adult only reception. One of my friends raised a stink about about. She wanted her kids to come. I told her no numerous times, but she still kept bringing on the subject. Finally I respectfully told her that on her RSVP card there was an option for “I decline with regrets”. She ended up coming with her husband only and she was one of the last people to leave the dancefloor.
People imposing guests at weddings is my biggest pet peeve!!!
Post # 11
I wouldnt say anything. Just send the invite to him and his wife, word is bound to get around the family if it has not already. Its nothing personal to them, they should understand that.
I have 2 kids, and personally, I would give anything to have a night out without them lol no offence to my babies but mama needs fun too!
Post # 12
@kjo That’s what everyone else who has kids is saying! They’re looking forward to a night off. Plus the cousin and his wife will hopefully be in the wedding. We want them (and all of our guests) to let loose and enjoy themselves.
Post # 13
We had a child free wedding, and we let it get around via word of mouth ahead of time (well before invites were sent out) that it was a child-free wedding.
Post # 14
I caved to allowing kids at my soon-to-be wedding because I didn’t want to start any kind of a fight, but in the end it doesn’t really bother me.
If it would be bothersome to you, if you don’t have the budget to allow kids, if you don’t want to set up activities for kids at the wedding then you shouldn’t be expected to. You don’t owe anyone an explaination for why because this is your two’s wedding and the day is about the marriage between you two.
If this cousin does put up a fight remain calm and tell him that is the decision both you and your soon-to-be fiance’ has choosen, and that is all he needs to know. I’ve dealt with people like that cousin and giving them more information to go will mean more of a debate on his end, so keep your explaination short and simple.
I wouldn’t just send him an invite and hope he gets it.
Post # 15
A bit of an update. I spoke to my boyfriend about addressing the situation with his cousin now. I thought it would be best to confirm our no kid policy now before the girls start getting their hopes up. And with Thanksgiving coming up, I didn’t want them bringing it up and my boyfriend being in an awkward situation.
Well apparently my boyfriend and his mother got into a fight about it 2 days ago. His aunt (the cousins Mom) has been calling his Mom and giving her a hard time about the girls coming to the wedding. And now my boyfriend’s Mom is giving him a hard time. She even threw out the “well we’re contributing to this wedding too” line. I don’t even know how to respond to that. If it’s going to be like that, then my boyfriend and I will pay for reception ourselves.
I don’t even know what to do right now. I don’t even have a ring on my finger and they are already making this not fun. You would think this was a personal attack against those girls. I have three cousins with kids and I’m not inviting those kids. But no one on my side will make a fuss.
How do I stick to my guns and keep peace with his family? Help!
Post # 16
- Wedding: March 2014 - Narrawallee reserve/beach & Mollymook golf club
Have you considered having them at the wedding, but not the reception? People say it’s rude to have a “tiered wedding”, but when it comes to a child-free wedding we’re making that exception to the rule. A wedding is a perfectly fine environment for children, but quite often receptions just aren’t. Ours simply just isn’t (evening, alcohol, loud obnoxious adults meets more conservative families), so no U18s at the reception.