Post # 1
Whenever the topic of the wedding gets brought up, my mom is like, “You’re doing it at St. John’s, right?” and just keeps asking that and assuming that we’ll get married there.
Neither of us are really religious, and I’ve been away from my hometown for a while now, and even before I left I wasn’t particularly attached to my parents church.
I guess we just think it’d be weird to get married in a church that I haven’t seen in years, and because neither of us are religious. Plus, I don’t think either of us want to have our reception in a gym or a cafeteria, which are pretty much our small town options.
Now, just the issue of my mom. I’m getting frustrated, but I don’t want to hurt her feelings. Any tips on how to gently (yet firmly) tell her that we’re looking to get married elsewhere?
Post # 3
I think the sooner the better is best.
You know it is a sensitive topic and one that she disagrees about, so maybe make a special date with her to go out to lunch or something and tell her that there is something that you want to talk to her about which you realize that you disagree about…..bla bla bla bla
I find that if someone frames the conversation in a sensitive way it shows that they respect your different opinion and that it also means a lot to them that we come to an understanding and I am much more receptive to what they have to say.
Know what I mean?
My fiance and I are getting married where we live now and not in either of our hometowns. We say it is because we love it here and we want everyone we love to know what this place is all about.
Post # 4
I feel you! My dad did this to me after we got engaged. It didn’t seem to matter how nice I tried saying no or how many times I said it, it just never got across to him. I finally had to be really super direct and hard about it. I told him there was no way i was getting married in my hometown, end of story. It sucked.
Post # 5
Thanks for the advice! I’ve told her we don’t want to get married there, but I guess she’s hoping I’ll change my mind or something.
Post # 6
Oy, I just got a voicemail from her asking me when I would want her to set up the church. This may be harder than I thought. :/
Post # 7
Maybe you have to start planning outside of your hometown and say something like “mom I have 3 venues to check out next week in not-home-town, would you like to come with me” and maybe she will realize how much better things are where you want to have your wedding.
My family was a bit upset when we declared that we were not getting married in Fl but understood NY is where we live and have made our lives.
Post # 8
Eeek! It seems as though the best thing to do is be direct. Maybe put it in writing? People tend to hear only what they want, but it’s difficult to ignore sentiments expressed on paper or wilfully misinterpret them.
Is her concern that you be married in the curch, or in THAT church, specifically?
Post # 9
You just need to be firm about your decision. Just explain it to her nicely and say that you appreciate that she is wanting to help you out, but that you guys are thinking of some other options. If I were you I would have a couple places to show her/talk to her about so that she can see how much they mean to you or how pretty they are. Maybe she doesnt think you have looked into anything else? If you arent going to be happy getting married at your childhood church in your hometown then dont do it! We are getting married at my FIs parents lake house (not the actual house but the lake). It is neither of our hometowns nor where we went to college. People have asked us “why there” and we say because it is a place that we love, it has meaning to us and we think it is beautiful! Honestly, your mom will get over this detail and will be happy about your wedding so I wouldn’t worry too much! Just make sure she doesn’t actually book you at the church!
Post # 10
It is so much easier to plan a wedding where you live. No back and forth, no running to every vendor while you’re visiting parents. I would tell her you just don’t think it’s very practical. Keep her posted on the great venues and vendors you are finding so it’s clear you mean to have the wedding not in hometown.
Post # 11
I haven’t lived in my hometown in 11 years, but it’s still my home base whenever I’m in Canada. However, there’s no way we could have had the whole wedding there as there is only a tiny church and a corner store! My mum had this vision of getting married at the country inn 15 minutes from her house that she has always adored, and she went so far as to treat Fiance to a very expensive dinner there so he could see it and ‘influence’ my decision. At the same time, I had done a ton of research online and found 3 other places to check out. I wasn’t against the inn – but I needed more to choose from. When we walked into one of my choices, I could see my mum’s face change, and I knew that she realized that this was a much much much better venue in terms of space and price than the one she had originally wanted. I don’t know your mother, but I think if parents are given reasonable arguments, and if they can see how other options really are better, that they will come around. Have you researched other options that you can show her to demonstrate your vision for the wedding? That might really help her to understand.