Post # 17
- Wedding: December 2010 - Savannah, GA
I can certainly understand wanting to keep the ring that you were proposed to with. There is a lovely sentimental value to that which cannot be replaced by an upgrade.
Here are some things to consider: Finances are obviously tight, so it makes sense to use the stone from your FMIL’s ring.
The stone is the heirloom part of the ring, and there are some beautiful settings for pear shaped stones. Rather than thinking about upgrading it in the future, and not having your original ring, look for settings that can be added to easily.
I used to work for a jewelry store, and some of the most incredibly beautiful rings were rings that started out with a small small stone. The original stone became an accent as the rings were modified. Usually these rings started out as simple solitaire settings, and it’s not difficult to add prongs and stones to those rings. You’ll eventually have a custom setting without the custom setting price.
Also, I don’t know when you’re planning on getting married, but there are some beautiful wedding rings that you can get that would add to sparkle to your diamond. You could let the wedding ring itself be the statement piece.
Talk to a jeweler. Explain what you want, and what you think you’ll want to do in the future. However, don’t put yourself into debt for a ring you cannot afford. One of the saddest things I ever had to do was take back engagement rings that were bought on credit because someone no longer could afford the payments. It’s heartbreaking.
Post # 18
I am really against going into debt for a ring or wedding. There is nothing like a jolt into marriage than a monthly bill to show you that the excess on your finger or the wedding pictures on your coffee table is a reminder of other things you cannot have like money for a home, to start an education fund for your kids, retirement, or vacation.
Assuming you yourself can pay-off a diamond, have you considered accepting the ring and using the FMIL’s diamond to complement a bigger diamond that is more suitable to your taste? If a real diamond is too expensive, I would look into non-diamond alternatives then upgrade later. I just think going into debt for a diamond is the beginning of a snowball for a “let’s get into debt for other things” type of marriage where financial issues slowly but surely break into the foundation of the relationship.
Post # 19
Just to clarify….I am anti debt as well….but my ring was under $3000 and my husband and I are now both working and making a great deal of money with increases in pay each year…..so, I think that the debt argument depends on each persons individual financial status. If the amount of debt for the ring is going to be a stressor, then by all means, take the Mom’s ring.
Post # 20
I definately agree that we don’t want to bite off more than we can chew financially with the ring. I was very luckly to not have to take out any student loans or have any debt other than my car that will be paid off within a year. The Boy has some student loans, but definately not anything outrageous. We also both have savings. So financially we are stable. Although who wouldn’t love to make more money? 🙂
Now I an definately not up for using up all our savings for a ring. However I am willing to finance or put up some money myself to make it something that he won’t feel the need to upgrade later down the road. I feel so selfish for saying that.
I love the Boy more than anything and am very happy that we are getting close to that point where we are going to be a family. So I definately don’t want to suggest anything to hurt his feelings…on that note, I still would like to have something that fits my style and that HE decided is a ring (whatever size, shape, color) he wants me to have. Not just give me what’s ‘free’. I just want it to be special.
Post # 21
Since you mentioned he already has debt from school I don’t think it’s really a good idea add more to that by making payments.
Just get his mom’s ring reset. If you haven’t even seen it you shouldn’t discount it.
Post # 22
Is trading that diamond in toward a different one an option?
Maybe he could use the money from that diamond toward one you like better.
Post # 23
How much does the ring matter? Shouldn’t it be the marriage that counts?
Sorry, but you kind of sound like you have your priorities turned around.
Post # 24
my mom offered us her ring (she is divorced too) and i used the ‘excuse’ that i wasn’t comfortable having the ring because of their divorce… i am very superstitous so that was pretty much true, but its also a small ring and i dont like the cut. she had it put into a neckalce instead.
I would suggest you tell him how you feel- say you dont want that ring based on x reasons and suggest a new plan. You can bring up jointly paying for it again and if he shoots it down, try telling him that a family heirloom /very very important piece of jewelry/your happiness shouldn’t be comproimsed for the sake of old fashioned traditions that are no longer upkept in this society where sometimes women are the breadwinners (i am in my family as well).
Post # 25
@ILikePink: Seriously? I’m sure that Petunia’s priorities are just fine.
The amount that someone likes their engagement ring or is concerned about it doesn’t mean they are somehow less interested in being with the person they are getting it from. Call me shallow or materialistic, but I do consider my engagement ring to be an extension, in the material form, of my FIs love. Everytime I look at it, I’m reminded of that – why shouldn’t she have an engagement ring that she’s floored with?
Post # 26
@rachaelrobin: I have to agree with what you said to some extent. The ring is a external display of the commitment you make. You wear it everyday, and if you don’t like it… well then you’re wearing something you don’t like everyday, for the rest of your life. I wouldn’t buy a sweater I didn’t like, let alone a diamond ring.
Post # 27
I am all for staying with in your budget… however unless the ring is paid off before the wedding (or you dont plan to combine finances) then his debt is your debt. So if you want to help pay for it and he’s ok with that… then maybe thats an option. As long as he’s not just giving you his moms ring becaus its free… then maybe that ring could be a placeholder until you can afford something more you. I hope you get a lovely ring and a fantastic marriage out of the whole deal!
Post # 28
@RachaelRobin- Okay, I will call you materialistic. You said it yourself: “I do consider my engagement ring to be an extension, in the material form, of my FIs love”
My Fiance could buy me a 25c ring from a gumball machine, and I’d still know he loves me as much as he does. What your ring looks like has nothing to do with how much your Fiance loves you. Look at all the wealthy men that put a rock on the finger of their wife, only to cheat on them. I think Petunia could try to see that he SO just isn’t in a place where he can afford something better, and be happy that the man she loves wants to marry her.
I wish I was strong enough, like some women, to not even need a ring at all. But alas, I am a little vain and materialistic as well, and requested a very beautiful Moissanite ring because of the ethics involved. If I were to follow the “traditional” strategy of ring pricing, my ring would have needed to cost about five times more, but I make no connection between the cost of my ring and my FI’s love. Love isn’t something that is expressed through material things.
Post # 29
- Wedding: December 2010 - Savannah, GA
Statistically, people look at their wedding rings more than they look at their spouses… The ring is always with, whereas the spouse isn’t. So I don’t think there is anything wrong at all with wanted a ring that you love as much as you love the person who gave it to you.
My mom always jokingly said it was as easy to fall in love with a rich man as it is to fall in love with a poor one… And I always told her that would be true if it were as easy to find the rich ones as it to find the poor ones. Here’s something that is true though… Only look at what you can afford, and it will be as easy to find a ring that you love and can afford as it is to find a ring that you love and cannot afford.
Post # 30
My mom offered me the diamonds from earrings my dad gave her for an engagement ring. Each stone was a little under 1/2 a carat so we would have just used one as a solitaire. I ended up turning it down not because of the size (though I did want a bigger diamond) but because my dad gave them to my mom and they are now divorced. It didn’t have a good connotation for me. So I could understand you feeling the same way!
However, if you can get past that and the main reason is the style/size of the diamond, you may want to at least look at it. Boys can be dumb sometimes. I can’t tell you how many times my Darling Husband has misrepresented something to me just because he wasn’t paying attention! It may be small but it may not be as small as he is making it out to be.
If you see it and really don’t like it though, I wouldn’t settle, even though that’s what so many here are telling you to do. You should feel happy and proud to show off your ring! If you want something inexpensive, you can get a clear gemstone like moissanite or white sapphire, or you could get a beautiful colored gemstone.
Of course, I am not going to tell you to not go into debt, because my Darling Husband did a 12-month no-interest payment plan on my engagement ring. Neither of us regret it one bit. It would have postponed our marriage by up to another year if he had saved up the money to buy it outright because he was in the first year of his career and didn’t have any savings. I’d much rather have a monthly payment and be married with the ring I truly wanted than have waited, or settled.
Post # 31
Fair enough – I never mentioned that there was a price tag associated with my FIs love though, or that his love equals my engagement ring. It is a nice sentiment and all idealistically, but realistically I don’t think that holds up well.