Post # 1
SO and I had our first actual fight about getting married the other night. I finally explained to him how waiting had affected me… right after he told me he wanted to wait another year and a half. Now I’ve had a long time line from the start (5 years) but almost a year has passed and I’d been holding on to the little bit of hope that he would decide to surprise me in the slightly nearer future. His update on the timeline crushed me. And I held it in and tried to deal with it for two days before a comment he had made during our fight hit me. He told me that if he asked me to marry him and I said no that we would have to do some very serious reevaluating of our relationship. At which point it occurred to me that I’d basically asked him to marry me and he had said no.
So I was looking at apartments when he came home that night. He asked if I was looking at a place for us (we had been planning to move soon) and I told him no, that I was looking for a place for me because we must need to do some serious reevaluating of our relationship. The first words out of his mouth were “No, absolutely not.” I went on to explain my logic to him and he actually called me stupid (which has never happened before).
He quickly amended it to “You are acting stupid, after how long it took me to find you and all the time and effort I’ve invested in our relationship, I am not losing you without a fight. You can’t just walk out of my life.”
My retort, “Do you recall how nasty and frustrated you got while you were job hunting? Well think this one through. I’ve been interviewing for the same position for the last 2 years. I want to be your wife, its my dream job. And pretty much what you told me during our last conversation was that I was the perfect candidate but I need to wait another year and a half to find out if you really want to hire me. You could barely stand to wait a week to find out if you got a job or not.”
Him, “You’ve had the job. I just wanted everything to be perfect. I wanted the timing to be right. Though, after we talked, I started to wonder if there really is a right time. Look. I love you. And I am absolutely certain that you are the girl for me and I am the guy for you. I would like to opportunity to propose to you properly but I really don’t know when I will be in a financial position to do that. I think our money is better spent getting us into a better living situation than on a ring right now.”
All I could do was nod sheepishly. (A ring wouldn’t do me any good if I got sent to prison for murdering our roommate.)
“But if you can’t wait. I understand. We can go apply for a marriage license any time you want. I would like for you to wait until I have a ring to give you. But if you can’t take it any day between now and then know that this is an open ended offer. Say the word and we’ll get married as soon as possible.”
So I’m still a waiting bee. I’m just a waiting bee with an out if ever I really need it.
Post # 3
@NoOneYouExpect: I LOVE the job interview analogy!!!!
Post # 4
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
Question- Would you two ever consider a “for now” ring that can be upgraded at some point in the future? If that really is the only thing standing between you and being married, it may be something to consider.
Post # 5
I know it’s hard…. but obviously he wants to be with you for the rest of your lives. It is going that way. I think you will be disappointed if you just get up and go to the courthouse next week, no ring. It sounds like you want something nice and with a ring and the whole sheband. And it sounds like he wants to give it to you. Just try to relax and enjoy the ride because he is working towards making it all happen for you, but it’s going to take time. You’re already committed to being together, that is huge. Enjoy that! The ring and all that will come later!
Post # 6
I second the “for now” ring idea. You can get a beautiful gemstone ring for around a hundred dollars now that the holiday shopping season has started.
Post # 7
@lovekiss: Would I consider it? Sure. In fact I’d be pleased. Would my SO consider it? No. It is really important to him that I be able to proudly wear whatever ring he proposes with for the rest of my life. And in his world that means a diamond ring. And since he got all of his jewelry knowledge (and criteria) from his mother I suspect I’ll be waiting a while. The woman likes her diamonds and her engagment ring is stuning. And no he doesn’t want any help picking out a ring. (I’m not really into jewelry but I’m sure I’ll love anything he comes up with.)
Post # 8
@frogprincess: I’d be content to get married in the court house so long as our parents and his sibling were in attendance. He is the one who wants a big wedding.
Post # 9
Good for you! My waiting situation has hit critical mass, too.
i like the analogy, too!
from my own situation, but also spurred on by reading these boards, I am REALLY tired of the idea of The guy waiting forever, then saying he’s being pushed, pressured… That he wants it to be perfect… that he wants it to be a surprise, etc. I feel like, in my case, he had three and a half years to make it a surprise and the ship has sailed. If the romance is gone, he can blame himself.
i see the want to make it right, and do it the right way… But these could also be an excuse for stalling, and until we have a ring and are planning wedding, we don’t know which it is!
if there was a crystal ball and I knew the proposal was coming, I could wait a lot longer. But, it is hard living thinking, I might be engaged and planning a wedding in two months…. Or I might be devastated, moving, and starting my entire life over. The limbo is about to make me crack. At some point the buck needs to stop.
Post # 10
@NoOneYouExpect: you just perfectly described my waiting experience. It’s not easy, and it is exactly as you described it. The dream job. My hats off to you for finding the words. From what he said, I’m going to guess your proposal, when it comes, will be more perfect than you could have imagined.
Post # 11
Sorry if this comes off harsh but this whole idea of having the perfect proposal really pisses me off. If you want to be married to someone, then go and get married. People have done it for years without their dream ring or it being the right time, place, etc. Sure there’s the traditional process of the guy buying the ring, planning an elaborate surprise proposal and asking the girl to marry him while on bended knee but it doesn’t have to be that way. If you really love each other either run to that courthouse and get hitched or accept you’re in a loving healthy commited relationship and be a patient little waiting bee. Obviously your SO knows you want to get married, and it’s clear he’s planning something that will take time so if you want things done his way, you’re gonna have to wait.
Post # 12
@katlovesjames: I’m not sure what part of that was supposed to be harsh… If I weren’t frustrated about waiting for the perfect proposal I wouldn’t be on this site. But I’m going to just be a patient waiting bee because while the ring, the proposal, and the ceremony itself are unimportant to me they are important to the man I love. I could get married in a court house tomorrow and have no regrets. My SO couldn’t say the same.
Post # 13
If it were me, I’d be on Moissyco right now looking for a great inexpensive ring. With those, you could always keep the setting and replace the stone with a diamond down the road if you wanted to. Or Amazon has some diamond rings for really, really cheap.
(And I do mean really: This is a gold and diamond engagement ring. It’s very modest, but materials-wise, could stand up to being a forever ring. It’s $127. There are some even cheaper, but I didn’t want to link something I wouldn’t be willing to wear myself.)
To me, it would be worth it to be married now. It would send a very powerful message to him that HE is the most important thing to you–not the ring, not the proposal (which he could still do a great proposal; that doesn’t have to cost money) and not the big white dress. You could always have a long-ish engagement if you wanted to save a bit of money, but if the waiting is getting frustrating, I think progressing to the next level would be beneficial to your relationship. He obviously wants to be with you, and I can’t help but think it would be good to strike while the iron is hot.
Post # 14
I’m a little confused by the title of this thread. You say you had a fight about marriage and won but are still in the same position you were in prior to the fight, waiting for your partner to decide when he’s ready while you’re left wondering. Am I missing something?
Post # 15
@EffieTrinket: I’m giving him a little time to do things his way. But I am actually going to give in to the temptation to look at some rings on my own. I’ve never done it before. Knowing me he has about 6 months max before I go buy him a ring (one of use should get a proposal right?).
@kmz21: I’m not in the same position I was when we started the fight. I went from waiting for him to decide when he was going to propose to having the power to say “You’re taking too long. Lets get married tomorrow.” Which sure beats having the power to say “You’re taking too long. I’m leaving.” I’d still like to give him the chance to do things the way he wants but now he also knows that he has already tested my patience. We are on my timeline now not his.
Post # 16
I don’t know how you guys feel about promise rings, but it could be an inexpensive demonstration of comitment to the relationship that would not have to have the same importance (read price tag) as an engagement ring.