Post # 1
I have another account on here, but I created this one to remain anonymous for this…
My Husband and I rarely fight. He is very calm and gentle and I ADORE that about him.
We eloped in December 2012, and are having a huge vow renewal and reception in Summer 2013. Yesterday morning we had a ton of stuff fall through and ended up getting in a huge fight.
I was in an abusive relationship before I met my husband. My ex was very manipulative and used to back me into a corner and several times pushed, scratched or slapped me.
When we were fighting yesterday he got in my face and started to raise his voice. I took a step back and ended up in a corner. He took another step forward and was towering over me..and well I am so embarressed to admit but I punched him square in the jaw.
I have no clue why. My husband would NEVER hit me. I don’t ever resort to violence. But for just a moment it felt like it was what used to happen when my ex would get angry.
I feel terrible, especially since he broke down crying (not because I hurt him…hes a strong guy, but because I scared the crap out of him and it was not normal behavior). I have been crying since yesterday too. He thinks I need anger managment therapy, but Im not so sure since this has never happened before.
What do you bees think? I feel silly sharing this with other people, but at the moment im distraught 🙁 I would hate to think Im an abusive wife. I would never do anything to intentionally hurt my husband.
Post # 3
@embaressedandsorry: I’m not sure if you need anger management therapy, but you definitely need to see a counselor. Clearly you are tramatized from your previous relationship. I think you need to talk with someone about it. Think about it. If the roles were reversed, bees would be getting on you to leave him and never look back.
Post # 4
^— x2 This
You also need to talk to your husband and explain the series of events that lead to your reaction. That yelling and getting backed into a corner is a trigger for you that should be avoided. You aren’t pushing off the blame but trying to explain why you “saw red” and defended yourself. Sounds like if you guys work together, it’ll never happen again.
Yes for personal counciling, No for anger management, Yes for couples counciling.
It’s going to be okay. You just need to feel empowered and know that no matter what happens, you will never be hit again. That also means you can never hit again. You can acomplish that by recognizing trouble and taking a break from arguments before they get out of hand. If someone backs into a corner, tell them you need to leave and they better listen. Sounds like there might be some verbal abuse and/or out of control arguments which is why you should seek out couples’ counciling so you can avoid all that.
Post # 5
I think you really should look at some sort of therapy. In the mean time, I’d try to sleep in a different room, give your husband space, and let him know you want to apologize when he’s ready to hear it…
Post # 6
I think he’s right, you do need therapy. You punched your husband. That’s abuse and you need to get to the root of your issues (whether it’s anger, you felt threatened, whatever). Please don’t excuse your own behavior as ” I’ve never done anything like this before!” That may be the case but that’s still NOT rational behavior and it needs to be addressed, for your safety and the safety of the man living with you.
Post # 7
- Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall
@embaressedandsorry: Does he know about this past relationship?
I also had an abusive past relationship and Fiance knows this, so when he advances towards me in an argument I SHUT DOWN. He’s figured this out and knows not to trigger me with anything.
I don’t think you need anger management therapy, it was a reaction! And I definitely dont’ think you’re abusive. How is your husband doing now?
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Post # 10
- Wedding: June 2013 - Country Club
You might not need anger management, but you do need to talk to a professional. You have underlying issues going on. There is absolutely no reason to be violent against your significant other. I feel like you are still traumatized from your previous relationship, and you need to get that out.
That being said, your hubs needs to give you space in a fight. Towering over = not cool.
Post # 11
@embaressedandsorry: i would suggest counselling. i think it gets suggested almost too much on the bee, but would be a good idea in this case. but emphasis on counselling rather than specifically anger management
it seems to me that based on your past experiences, you perceived a threat and lashed out to avoid it. Which is a bit different from just getting so angry you smacked him (Im NOT sayign its better or not as bad, im saying it has a different cause possibly and therefore a different solution). It sounds like a moment of panic. Now obviously you need to take steps to prevent it, but from what youve said…i wouldnt consider you an abusive wife
First steps would be to really talk it out with your husband. And i think counselling together would also be a good idea. because you need to find a way to argue/disagree without one of you feeling phsyically threatened or scared. So maybe he needs to learn to communicate in a normal voice rather than in a raised voice, and not to ‘invade your space’ or back you into a corner…because no part of a couple should feel threatened in an argument
Post # 12
@Brideonabudgetlauren: +1 She’s right. Seek counseling, but anger management isn’t the solution. You have some form of PTSD and went into fight or flight (clearly fight) automatically to protect yourself from what your brain deemed a threatening situation.
Post # 13
@Brideonabudgetlauren: I agree completely. It being the ifrst time is no excuse and if the roles were reversed, how would you feel? Putting your hands on someone is anger or fright is never never ok. Give him space, arrange to see a counselor, and let your Darling Husband know how sorry you are and that you are going to work on yourself. If he knows about the past relationship, he will probably understand. But that doesn’t make it ok.
Post # 14
I completely understand ur reaction and why you felt compelled to fight back and even the way u described it as “towering over” shows ur mentality. I do not condone what happened and you definitely need counseling even if its just talking to your hubs and detailing your boundaries
Post # 15
First of all, as you know, hitting is never okay. At the same time, I can understand how it happened, that you likely felt trapped and lashed out. I’m not sure about anger management because it sounds like you were more scared than angry. But I definately think that some couples counseling might be in order. And your couples counselor may recommend some personal counseling for yourself as well. If you’ve been in an abusive relationship in the past there could be residual issues. This absolutely does not have to spell the end of a relationship, but I think that it is serious and should be addressed.
Post # 16
@embaressedandsorry: To me, it sounds like it was a “fight or flight” response. Just being in that situation was similar to your past, I do NOT think you are an abusive person! I have abuse in my background & when I wasn’t fully healed/recovered, if someone did something similar that fear would come back & I would react as if back in the abusive situation. I knew the person would NOT ever hurt me but it was just some wierd response my body was used to reacting. To me, it sounds like you aren’t fully recovered & need more healing from that abuse. I say talk with your Darling Husband about it, explain the situation, that somehow you felt “put back” in the corner where you had to fight your way out & you don’t know what came over you, but you got scared & you reacted to the situation as you had to before. Let him know you weren’t afraid of HIM so much as the situation. I think going to a counseling session will be very good for you, to help overcome that fear. I think talking this over with your Darling Husband will help you overcome what happened & he will be able to support you in this.
Also I wanted to thank you for getting out of that abusive situation… so many people stay in the cycle of abuse & I’m very glad you got out of it (from your ex). That took courage!