(Closed) We got in a big fight and things got ugly…

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3078 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@embaressedandsorry:  I’m not sure if you need anger management therapy, but you definitely need to see a counselor.  Clearly you are tramatized from your previous relationship.  I think you need to talk with someone about it.  Think about it.  If the roles were reversed, bees would be getting on you to leave him and never look back.

Post # 4
Member
243 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

^— x2 This

You also need to talk to your husband and explain the series of events that lead to your reaction. That yelling and getting backed into a corner is a trigger for you that should be avoided. You aren’t pushing off the blame but trying to explain why you “saw red” and defended yourself. Sounds like if you guys work together, it’ll never happen again. 

Yes for personal counciling, No for anger management, Yes for couples counciling. 

It’s going to be okay. You just need to feel empowered and know that no matter what happens, you will never be hit again. That also means you can never hit again. You can acomplish that by recognizing trouble and taking a break from arguments before they get out of hand. If someone backs into a corner, tell them you need to leave and they better listen. Sounds like there might be some verbal abuse and/or out of control arguments which is why you should seek out couples’ counciling so you can avoid all that.  

Post # 5
Member
12955 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think you really should look at some sort of therapy.  In the mean time, I’d try to sleep in a different room, give your husband space, and let him know you want to apologize when he’s ready to hear it…

Post # 6
Member
2448 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I think he’s right, you do need therapy. You punched your husband. That’s abuse and you need to get to the root of your issues (whether it’s anger, you felt threatened, whatever). Please don’t excuse your own behavior as ” I’ve never done anything like this before!” That may be the case but that’s still NOT rational behavior and it needs to be addressed, for your safety and the safety of the man living with you.

Post # 7
Member
4439 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall

@embaressedandsorry:  Does he know about this past relationship?

I also had an abusive past relationship and Fiance knows this, so when he advances towards me in an argument I SHUT DOWN.  He’s figured this out and knows not to trigger me with anything.

I don’t think you need anger management therapy, it was a reaction!  And I definitely dont’ think you’re abusive.  How is your husband doing now?

Post # 10
Member
1578 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Country Club

You might not need anger management, but you do need to talk to a professional. You have underlying issues going on. There is absolutely no reason to be violent against your significant other. I feel like you are still traumatized from your previous relationship, and you need to get that out.

 

 

That being said, your hubs needs to give you space in a fight. Towering over = not cool.

Post # 11
Member
2874 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@embaressedandsorry:  i would suggest counselling. i think it gets suggested almost too much on the bee, but would be a good idea in this case. but emphasis on counselling rather than specifically anger management

it seems to me that based on your past experiences, you perceived a threat and lashed out to avoid it. Which is a bit different from just getting so angry you smacked him (Im NOT sayign its better or not as bad, im saying it has a different cause possibly and therefore a different solution). It sounds like a moment of panic. Now obviously you need to take steps to prevent it, but from what youve said…i wouldnt consider you an abusive wife

First steps would be to really talk it out with your husband. And i think counselling together would also be a good idea. because you need to find a way to argue/disagree without one of you feeling phsyically threatened or scared. So maybe he needs to learn to communicate in a normal voice rather than in a raised voice, and not to ‘invade your space’ or back you into a corner…because no part of a couple should feel threatened in an argument

Post # 12
Member
1729 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Brideonabudgetlauren:  +1 She’s right. Seek counseling, but anger management isn’t the solution. You have some form of PTSD and went into fight or flight (clearly fight) automatically to protect yourself from what your brain deemed a threatening situation.

Post # 13
Member
717 posts
Busy bee

@Brideonabudgetlauren:  I agree completely.  It being the ifrst time is no excuse and if the roles were reversed, how would you feel?  Putting your hands on someone is anger or fright is never never ok.  Give him space, arrange to see a counselor, and let your Darling Husband know how sorry you are and that you are going to work on yourself.  If he knows about the past relationship, he will probably understand.  But that doesn’t make it ok.

Post # 14
Member
1524 posts
Bumble bee

I completely understand ur reaction and why you felt compelled to fight back and even the way u described it as “towering over” shows ur mentality. I do not condone what happened and you definitely need counseling even if its just talking to your hubs and detailing your boundaries 

Post # 15
Member
9552 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

First of all, as you know, hitting is never okay. At the same time, I can understand how it happened, that you likely felt trapped and lashed out. I’m not sure about anger management because it sounds like you were more scared than angry. But I definately think that some couples counseling might be in order. And your couples counselor may recommend some personal counseling for yourself as well. If you’ve been in an abusive relationship in the past there could be residual issues. This absolutely does not have to spell the end of a relationship, but I think that it is serious and should be addressed.

Post # 16
Member
3041 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

@embaressedandsorry:  To me, it sounds like it was a “fight or flight” response. Just being in that situation was similar to your past, I do NOT think you are an abusive person! I have abuse in my background & when I wasn’t fully healed/recovered, if someone did something similar that fear would come back & I would react as if back in the abusive situation. I knew the person would NOT ever hurt me but it was just some wierd response my body was used to reacting. To me, it sounds like you aren’t fully recovered & need more healing from that abuse. I say talk with your Darling Husband about it, explain the situation, that somehow you felt “put back” in the corner where you had to fight your way out & you don’t know what came over you, but you got scared & you reacted to the situation as you had to before. Let him know you weren’t afraid of HIM so much as the situation. I think going to a counseling session will be very good for you, to help overcome that fear. I think talking this over with your Darling Husband will help you overcome what happened & he will be able to support you in this.

Also I wanted to thank you for getting out of that abusive situation… so many people stay in the cycle of abuse & I’m very glad you got out of it (from your ex). That took courage!

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