Post # 1
My SO has had the ring for 4 months. Same story we all have to tell – I was excited for the first month or two, and the last two months I’ve started to become resentful. I will admit that my feelings about the lack of proposal have definitely impacted my mood and attitude. I’ve grown distant and snappy.
A week ago SO asked me what was going on with me. I refused to talk about it because any time I’ve brought this topic up before he’s seemed exasperated. Over this past weekend, though, I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I asked him if he still loved me the same and wanted the same things. He said yes, but that my mood lately has been testing his limits. I told him it’s because I’m frustrated. I thought he’d know what I was talking about but I really had to spell it out for him.
As I expected, he got mad. He expressed that proposing is something for HIM to do, and that all I had to do was wait. He said if he didn’t plan to propose, then the money he spent on a ring would have been a waste. Ultimately he told me that there had been plenty of times he’s wanted to give me the ring, but then plenty of times more lately that my behavior has caused him to wait. I tried to explain to him that the growing resentment over being made to wait has played into my behavior. He pointed out things I’ve done or said that indicated a “lack of committment” to our partnership. Some are very recent and valid. I have definitely been pushing him away instead of pulling him closer. But to be honest, I think that’s the natural reaction a lot of us have when we feel strung along! I’m going out of town for some of this week and he went so far as to say he’d had a feeling that I was going to break up with him when I came back. I had no intentions of doing that, but it puts in perspective for me how he’s feeling.
I guess we left it in a place where he may not understand my feelings, but he’s heard them and knows what’s going on in my head. I can understand where he’s coming from and feel that if roles were reversed I’d be unsure about him if he’d done and said some of the things I’ve done and said lately. I guess I have some renewed patience and will be trying to view things differently and act accordingly, but honestly I still have our 2 year anniversary in my mind as a date for reassessing things (2 months away). Overall in this relationship there’s a constant struggle with him not understanding my feelings (I “make things up in my head” and therefore he won’t give it any credence, my feelings aren’t based on “fact” so are therefore irrational) and me feeling like where I’m coming from is invalid. I’m walking a fine line between knowing there’s some truth to his side, but also feeling gaslighted.
I don’t really expect anything out of this post other than to vent. I’ve really been struggling lately. But having had it out with him has given me some relief. I’d been feeling the resentment weighing on me every day.
Post # 2
You’ve been dating less than two years and he bought a ring. It doesn’t sound like you are being strung along.
Post # 3
I guess the “strung along” part comes in with him telling me twice when he first got the ring that he would not make me wait for a proposal, and then 4 months ticked by.
Post # 4
I am with your boyfriend on this one. You’ve been together for less than 2 years and he’s already bought a ring. Give him time. What are you in such a rush for anyways? Wouldn’t you rather he propose in his own time when he is fully ready? I can see feeling upset if you’d been waiting for years but that isn’t the case here. I can see why he is getting frustrated if you are acting sour towards him because you’re upset he hasn’t given you the ring he absolutely does not owe you yet.
You see to understand that you’re in the wrong here so I hope you’ll change your behaviour and respect your boyfriend’s timeline.
Post # 5
How old are you? It may just be because I’m young, but two years really isn’t a long time to be waiting for a proposal. I can see both sides to this. I see why you feel disappointed because he’s been holding onto the ring. But I also can fully understand him not wanting to propose if he’s felt like you’re distant and were going to break up with him. I wouldn’t propose to someone if I felt they were pulling away from me and soon going to dump me.
Post # 6
re: your update. I really don’t think that four months is a long time. When he said he won’t make you wait he probably meant arbitrarily. It sounds to me more like he was waiting for the right time and wanted it to be special, but in the meantime you’ve been pulling away and making him second guess whether you guys are ready for marriage.
Post # 7
Bee, he totally understands your feelings. He’s playing make believe and twisting things around. Yes, he is gaslighting you.
He’s also being obnoxious and condescending. The proposal is on him? Did we just time travel back to 1952? And he won’t propose if you continue to misbehave?
He cannot participate in a grown up discussion about your shared future. Be very clear, Bee. This is a guy who does not care about your feelings.
My advice is that you rethink the relationship.
Post # 8
laurenalaine83 : I can understand where he’s coming from and feel that if roles were reversed I’d be unsure about him if he’d done and said some of the things I’ve done and said lately.
You are massively underplaying this in your post. What are the things you have done and said that are so extreme that he thinks you were about to break up with him?
At under two years you are not being strung along. He bought a ring and then it sounds like you started to ruin the relationship. Four months really isn’t that long when your relationship has had difficulties, surely you can understand why it would take a while for him to be at the point of proposing after some of your issues have occurred? You don’t just have a huge fight and then propose the next week.
Post # 9
Honestly I think the “resentment” is coming on pretty quick and you are acting pretty childish throwing a temper tantrum over this when he IS making the appropriate steps to do this.
Post # 10
I disagree with the majority of these comments. 4 months is a long time to hold onto a ring, regardless of how long you were dating before that, particularly when he assured you in the beginning that he wouldn’t make you wait. I don’t think 2 years is such a short time to date before getting engaged either, although I guess it depends on your age.
Also, he straight-up admits that the whole reason he hasn’t proposed is due to your “behavior.” That is bullshit because it puts pressure on you to shut up and behave like a good little girl so you get your reward of him proposing. It creates a very unequal power dynamic that would drive ANYONE crazy. If he’s truly not sure about marrying you then that’s entirely his perogative, but then he needs to articulate that directly and take engagement fully off the table for now, not lord the ring over you and leave you in this state of limbo where you feel like you’re on trial.
It’s a catch 22; he doesn’t want to propose because you’ve been moody and snappy, but the entire reason you’ve been in a bad mood is cause you’re worried he’s not all in cause he’s been holding onto the ring for so long.
Post # 11
I don’t think it’s fair to say that because you’ve been dating a little less than 2 years, you shouldn’t be anxious for a proposal or worried about your boyfriend stringing you along. I would not have been okay waiting longer than 1.5 years for a proposal. I view dating as a prerequisite for marriage, and I wouldn’t want to spend too many years with someone unmarried. I also don’t enjoy surprises that affect the rest of my life, where someone has told me I’m getting something, they already have it to give to me, but I have to wait indefinitely for it in anticipation. That’s sounds cruel.
However, I also agree with PPs that you haven’t been waiting that long, and no one wants to be pushed or pressured. I’d be curious what your discussions about marriage were like prior to this. Did he feel he had to tell you he had the ring to calm you or prevent your leaving him or nagging? If so, I could see why he felt the need to tell you he had bought the ring to reassure you. On the other hand, could he be lying about having a ring to stall?
OP, I would wait the two months until your anniversary to reevaluate. It sounds like he may be planning to propose then. Try not to bring it up anymore if you know he really does have the ring. Two months is not that long to wait and you don’t want to remember this time leading up to the proposal as full of fighting and anger.
Post # 12
To clarify some things about our relationship… We’re both 35. I’m divorced and I have a special needs child I share 50/50 with my ex husband. SO has full custody of his daughter he had with a nightmare of a woman. For the last several years he’s been living with his parents because they were about to go bankrupt and lose their home. He sold everything he had and moved in with them to pull them out of the situation. He’s been slowly getting them to the point of being self sufficient again. They are there now (barely, but he’s no longer paying for their life) and he’s spending his time living there currently to pay down debts he accrued while helping them (taking out a personal loan, etc.). This is so that we’re comfortable when we merge. My divorce about bankrupted me and I’m as paycheck to paycheck as it gets with no savings and no credit cards. I do my best and have a good career but my child has extraordinary needs and it’s difficult to just keep my head above water. I gave up a lot financially just to be divorced from my ex, who was an emotionally abusive narcissist. I stopped fighting just to get away.
Anyway, since he has a child full time and I have my son half the time, we don’t get an awful lot of time together – and even less alone time. I’ve spent most of this relationship waiting. Waiting for him to have time for our relationship after his daughter and his parents have all they need, waiting on the timeline for merging households that is 100% on his terms, etc. We had agreed we would be merging in early 2019. For lack of a better way to put it, the engagement is something I really need to help ease my feelings in all of this. It is not easy to be in a relationship like ours where our needs always come last. For me it’s not about the ring, it’s about a solidifying symbol that we’re really doing this and there’s truly a shared future ahead of us. SO does not care about things like engagement and marriage like I do. He says he’s as committed to me now as he would be with a ring on my finger. It’s really something that I need, and he knows this.
My SO is a good man. He loves me and my son tremendously. He’s someone who goes out of his way for the people he loves (obviously) even if he gets nothing in return (his parents are hopelessly ungrateful). I want to live my life next to this man. To wake up and go to bed next to him. To come home from work to the same home and spend our days as partners. I know this is what he wants, but he’s been very calculated about leaving his current situation. The very minimal time for our relationship has been very hard. For me it’s just about wanting so badly to move forward.
Post # 13
Regarding what kinds of things I’ve done to push him away and cause problems…overall I have been distant. Since we don’t see each other as much as we’d like, there’s a lot of texting and calling. I wasn’t going out of my way to answer his calls on his way to/from work, and I was very disinterested in sparking conversation via text. I have generally felt that I’m the more overtly lovey-dovey one. He is used to getting a lot of that from me, and I cut it out.
The most recent specific instance of something I did to push him away would be last Wednesday. Generally he spends Wednesday evenings with me as his daughter goes to church with her grandmother. He comes over right after work. I had my son last week. This isn’t a speical needs kids forum so I’m not going to go into tremendous detail, but my son is not fully potty trained and has a lot of GI issues. I was up to my elbows in it this past week. It’s exhausting and very hard to handle by myself as my son gets older and bigger. I was in the bathroom dealing with it and honestly close to tears as it had already been a hard week. SO came to the door and asked what he could do to help. Right there that tells you he loves both of us and does not shy away from being my partner, even though it’s not a pleasant situation and it’s not his kid. But I was so exasperated and tired and honestly it’s such a difficult situation to have other people see me/us in, I just wanted to handle it myself. I told him I didn’t want his help and to go back into the living room. He has quite a temper and a year ago he might have walked out if I’d snapped at him like that, but he only got a little distant the rest of the night. In our talk he told me (rightfully) that I should be pulling closer to the person who loves me like that, not pushing away. If I’d been in a different head space from everything else, I might have let him help me. But with how I’ve been feeling lately I just didn’t want him there.
Post # 14
he has the ring, I was involved when he purchased it and we had it sized.
Post # 15
You actually sound very childish. You’ve been cutting off your nose to spite your face because you haven’t been able to dictate every little detail. You make it sound like it is a bad thing that he prioritizes his daughter over someone he hasn’t yet known two years. You both have children and jobs and live in separate places, so yes it will be difficult to have spare time to date but that doesn’t mean you turn into a brat about it or rush into marriage.
I’m not sure why you thought ignoring his calls, not texting and refusing to make an effort with him would end in an engagement.