We had a talk

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
10012 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

You’ve been dating less than two years and he bought a ring. It doesn’t sound like you are being strung along. 

Post # 4
Member
3454 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

I am with your boyfriend on this one. You’ve been together for less than 2 years and he’s already bought a ring. Give him time. What are you in such a rush for anyways? Wouldn’t you rather he propose in his own time when he is fully ready? I can see feeling upset if you’d been waiting for years but that isn’t the case here. I can see why he is getting frustrated if you are acting sour towards him because you’re upset he hasn’t given you the ring he absolutely does not owe you yet. 

You see to understand that you’re in the wrong here so I hope you’ll change your behaviour and respect your boyfriend’s timeline.

Post # 5
Member
950 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

How old are you? It may just be because I’m young, but two years really isn’t a long time to be waiting for a proposal. I can see both sides to this. I see why you feel disappointed because he’s been holding onto the ring. But I also can fully understand him not wanting to propose if he’s felt like you’re distant and were going to break up with him. I wouldn’t propose to someone if I felt they were pulling away from me and soon going to dump me. 

Post # 6
Member
3454 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

View original reply
laurenalaine83 :  re: your update. I really don’t think that four months is a long time. When he said he won’t make you wait he probably meant arbitrarily. It sounds to me more like he was waiting for the right time and wanted it to be special, but in the meantime you’ve been pulling away and making him second guess whether you guys are ready for marriage. 

Post # 7
Member
11338 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
laurenalaine83 :  

Bee, he totally understands your feelings.  He’s playing make believe and twisting things around.  Yes, he is gaslighting you.

He’s also being obnoxious and condescending.  The proposal is on him?  Did we just time travel back to 1952?  And he won’t propose if you continue to misbehave?

He cannot participate in a grown up discussion about your shared future.  Be very clear, Bee.  This is a guy who does not care about your feelings.

My advice is that you rethink the relationship.

Post # 8
Member
5887 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

View original reply
laurenalaine83 :  I can understand where he’s coming from and feel that if roles were reversed I’d be unsure about him if he’d done and said some of the things I’ve done and said lately.

You are massively underplaying this in your post.  What are the things you have done and said that are so extreme that he thinks you were about to break up with him? 

At under two years you are not being strung along. He bought a ring and then it sounds like you started to ruin the relationship.  Four months really isn’t that long when your relationship has had difficulties, surely you can understand why it would take a while for him to be at the point of proposing after some of your issues have occurred?  You don’t just have a huge fight and then propose the next week. 

Post # 9
Member
383 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Honestly I think the “resentment” is coming on pretty quick and you are acting pretty childish throwing a temper tantrum over this when he IS making the appropriate steps to do this.

Post # 10
Member
7633 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I disagree with the majority of these comments. 4 months is a long time to hold onto a ring, regardless of how long you were dating before that, particularly when he assured you in the beginning that he wouldn’t make you wait. I don’t think 2 years is such a short time to date before getting engaged either, although I guess it depends on your age.

Also, he straight-up admits that the whole reason he hasn’t proposed is due to your “behavior.” That is bullshit because it puts pressure on you to shut up and behave like a good little girl so you get your reward of him proposing. It creates a very unequal power dynamic that would drive ANYONE crazy. If he’s truly not sure about marrying you then that’s entirely his perogative, but then he needs to articulate that directly and take engagement fully off the table for now, not lord the ring over you and leave you in this state of limbo where you feel like you’re on trial.

It’s a catch 22; he doesn’t want to propose because you’ve been moody and snappy, but the entire reason you’ve been in a bad mood is cause you’re worried he’s not all in cause he’s been holding onto the ring for so long. 

Post # 11
Member
2231 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I don’t think it’s fair to say that because you’ve been dating a little less than 2 years, you shouldn’t be anxious for a proposal or worried about your boyfriend stringing you along. I would not have been okay waiting longer than 1.5 years for a proposal. I view dating as a prerequisite for marriage, and I wouldn’t want to spend too many years with someone unmarried. I also don’t enjoy surprises that affect the rest of my life, where someone has told me I’m getting something, they already have it to give to me, but I have to wait indefinitely for it in anticipation. That’s sounds cruel. 

However, I also agree with PPs that you haven’t been waiting that long, and no one wants to be pushed or pressured. I’d be curious what your discussions about marriage were like prior to this. Did he feel he had to tell you he had the ring to calm you or prevent your leaving him or nagging? If so, I could see why he felt the need to tell you he had bought the ring to reassure you. On the other hand, could he be lying about having a ring to stall?

OP, I would wait the two months until your anniversary to reevaluate. It sounds like he may be planning to propose then. Try not to bring it up anymore if you know he really does have the ring.  Two months is not that long to wait and you don’t want to remember this time leading up to the proposal as full of fighting and anger. 

Post # 15
Member
5887 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

View original reply
laurenalaine83 :  You actually sound very childish.  You’ve been cutting off your nose to spite your face because you haven’t been able to dictate every little detail.  You make it sound like it is a bad thing that he prioritizes his daughter over someone he hasn’t yet known two years. You both have children and jobs and live in separate places, so yes it will be difficult to have spare time to date but that doesn’t mean you turn into a brat about it or rush into marriage.

I’m not sure why you thought ignoring his calls, not texting and refusing to make an effort with him would end in an engagement.  

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