We had a talk

posted 11 months ago in Waiting
Post # 31
Member
3090 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

ladyjane123 :  so she can be as snippy as she wants but he must respond with patience and kindness at all times? 

I don’t get this. The boyfriend was clearly intending to propose at some point along the way within the timeframe they’d discussed. When he didn’t prooppr immediately upon getting the ring, she pulled away and got snippy with him. Who in their right mind would forge ahead getting engaged to someone who behaves like that when they don’t get their way? 

Post # 32
Member
1973 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I’m concerned about his temper problems and his enmeshment with his parents. Both of these things could become a big problem in the future. It is wrong of him to blame your behavior for why he hasn’t proposed. Why is he dangling this carrot? 

Maybe your behavior (the distance and snappiness) is telling you something about how uncomfortable you are with this relationship. 

Post # 33
Member
6040 posts
Bee Keeper

laurenalaine83 :  Less than two years? Especially with all the extra challenges you mentioned? I’d slow things down, Bee. 

This is what got me, though: Overall in this relationship there’s a constant struggle with him not understanding my feelings (I “make things up in my head” and therefore he won’t give it any credence, my feelings aren’t based on “fact” so are therefore irrational) and me feeling like where I’m coming from is invalid. I’m walking a fine line between knowing there’s some truth to his side, but also feeling gaslighted. 

What are you doing to address these respect and communication issues before you move forward with marraige? Things like this do not get better just because there is a ring. Not rushing into things seems like the right decision here. 

Post # 34
Member
6040 posts
Bee Keeper

tiffanybruiser :  Well, that’s alarming that he won’t even consider therapy. I’m not sure what to tell you then. 

Agreed. I am also a divorced mom with a special needs child plus others, my Fiance has children as well and it’s not always rainbows and sunshine. I would not have agreed to marry him if he stated he would not be willing to utilize therapy in difficult times. It’s one of the questions I asked him early on. Life is complicated and sometimes we all need some help to work through some things. 

Post # 35
Member
12 posts
Newbee

What kind of relationship do you have with his daughter? How do you get along with her?

Could you be like an aunt to her? Taking her out, dressing up, just like girls? Have girl fun? I imagine he’s not only looking for a wife, but for a mother figure for his daughter.

I wonder if that girl asked to meet up with you more, if he would be more interested in spending more and more time with you.

(Disclaimer: I have no child, nor does my current boyfriend).

Post # 36
Member
1367 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

Honestly, the enmeshment with his parents is much more alarming to me than any of the rest of this. Him taking out loans to bail them out is not okay, and if you get married, he’ll just tank your finances too in order to save them. 

Do you want a life where you’re expected to drop everything and be there for them like he is? Do you want to be with someone who refuses to get help, therapy, or even update you on his life? I would reconsider this whole relationship, and whether it’s building to life you truly want, bee.

Post # 37
Member
10282 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

laurenalaine83 :  

Ok, Bee.  What you describe is verbal abuse, not an ‘anger problem’.  I suspect he doesn’t yell and say horrible mean things to his boss, his best friend, or servers in restaurants.

I hate to be the voice of doom, yet again.  But, I call balls and strikes.

I am very concerned about what will happen when his mask slips.

 

Post # 38
Member
12 posts
Newbee

If you understand that he bought the ring earlier than planned due to finances rather than a desire to propose right then, why is the fact that he’s had it for four months so important to you? I get the impression that if he hadn’t bought the ring yet, or had bought it without your knowledge, you wouldn’t have a problem. It doesn’t seem fair to hold that against him when the vague deadline of “before we move in together in early 2019” is still 5-10 months away.

You’re basically asking him to take your word for it that a proposal and eventual marriage will solve the current serious issues in your relationship. That’s never a good approach, and women who post here with similar hopes about marriage fixing their relationship problems get set straight pretty quickly. It’s not “gaslighting” or “abuse” for him to not view marriage as a solution to existing problems. I understand that the issues on your end are caused by resentment of the fact that he hasn’t proposed yet, but it’s bound to make him wonder what will happen after marriage if you want something that he isn’t prepared to give you at that exact moment, particularly if he’s still within the timetable you initially agreed to. No one wants to spend the rest of their life in a relationship that doesn’t make them happy, and if he’s unhappy with the way things are currently, it would be madness for him to propose right now. If I were in his shoes, I’d want a return to a normal, happy, stable relationship for at least a few months before I made any promises of permanence. Even then, depending on exactly who agreed to what in the first place, I’d probably still be hesitant.

If he understands your reasoning and still isn’t comfortable proposing right now, you basically have two choices: you can try to change what you can on your end so that the relationship improves, or you can leave. There’s no right or wrong answer – it depends on what you think is best for yourself and your son. Continuing the relationship while resenting him for not proposing is clearly not going to make him propose, and it doesn’t seem to be making anyone happy, so there’s not much point in doing it.

Post # 39
Member
3339 posts
Sugar bee

It’s no wonder so many women stay in long term dead end relationships if so many people are castigating the OP thst it’s been “only” 2 years together and “only” 4 months thst he’s held on to the ring. (Which is asinine. You will never convince me that holding on to a ring for months is beneficial to any relationship)

Exactly how long do you think you’re going to live? Time goes by fast when you’re not paying attention. Two years is plenty of time to know a person, especially if youre an adult with children.

OP  he’s giving you a real story that it’s all your fault and you’re buying it. The term gaslighting works very well here. 

Post # 40
Member
1296 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

4 months would kill me. It actually did hurt a previous relationship when I found out that my ex had one for 3 months and when we broke up a few months later, I still didn’t have it. (A blessing, for sure)

I really think there’s just middle ground here. You need to relax and he needs to quit sitting on his heels. I understand things are complicated, but 4 months with no end in sight? Sheesh…

Post # 41
Member
1852 posts
Buzzing bee

sboom :  I was saying if one partner in a relationship goes to another one to have a conversation about something and they open up and reveal that their actions were because they were feeling sad and hurt and they apologized for the behavior the other partner should be understanding and sweet about it. If my boyfriend jumped on me about something but then in a conversation about it he got vulnerable with me and told me he was sorry and that he reacted that way because he was really feeling hurt about X, you better believe I would be loving and kind about it and maturely discuss how he felt. It is called respect inside a relationship. Being angry gets you nowhere. 

We don’t all act perfectly but I personally think it is so important that no matter what I know if I told my boyfriend my feelings were hurt he would respond to me with understanding and want to talk out what happened. He wouldn’t get angry at me. 

Post # 42
Member
2916 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

laurenalaine83 :  I don’t knoiw Bee.  Normally I would say that 2 years is enough time to decide whether or not you want to marry someone, but at the same time I believe that there are times that may be better than others when you get engaged.  Given the complex financial obligation he has with his parents, even if he didn’t have the ring already, I would say this is not a good time.  Personally, I would not want to have that over us; I would want my boyfriend to have all that taken care of before I made the decision to marry him because I wouldn’t financially want myself tied to that mess.

I think you’re both at blame for a lot of the disconnect here.  If he has anger issues, that’s something that needed to get sorted out like yesterday.  You both have kids, which complicates the situation a LOT.  Did I read it right that when he tried to help you with your son you pushed him away?  

And I don’t agree with the Bees that say he’s the one that is supposed to have patience and understanding when you’re the one acting like a petulant child.  Sorry, that would be a huge turnoff to me too.

I think you both need to work out your issues a bit more before you take the next step.

Post # 43
Member
2331 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

So I was in a similar situation as you. I had been with my then boyfriend for about 1 1/2 when we started looking at rings and I knew he got the ring around the 2 year mark. He literally waited months to propose! I honestly did get a little frustrated. Especially once I knew he had the ring. The fact that your boyfriend is saying that you have almost ruined this for him could mean two things.

Either that really is the case and you have maybe nagged or bothered him so much about proposing that he feels he can’t surprise you. He might feel like you are stealing this moment from him that he’s trying to make special, etc. 

OR if you really haven’t been doing any of that, it could be possible he’s just stalling and pulling one of the cards that men usually do when they stall. 

Only you know the answer but I would say to relax and enjoy your relationship. It sounds like a proposal is on the horizon so enjoy the last few months of being a girlfriend. I know that advice is annoying but it’s true! 

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