Post # 46
Member
501 posts
Busy bee
I think this man is telling you how he really feels. He is choosing everything but you. He’s had a ring for 4 months. Asking you a question is free. Just because you are engaged doesn’t mean you have to get married right away either. But, you already said engagement and marriage aren’t that important to him. So, I wouldn’t be expecting him to be in a rush to do that.
Helping your parents is one thing. But the level of his involvement is troubling, and won’t likely change any time soon. You’ll be pulled into it eventually if you marry him.
At this point, I’d probably just be done. He can sell the ring. You aren’t supposed to need therapy before the wedding.
Post # 47
Member
1683 posts
Bumble bee
- Wedding: May 2019 - City, State
sboom : right?! I am absolutely flabbergasted by women that set a hard and fast timeline on proposals and marriage. If you truly want to marry someone, another year or two is a drop in a bucket compared to a lifetime together.
Four months is not a long time to wait. If he had the ring for four years with no proposal, I’d understand getting an attitude about it. But 4 months? Chill.
Post # 48
Member
88 posts
Worker bee
I’m going to try to address some of the other comments in one place.
I own that I’ve been a pain in the butt for him and that he has every reason to have second thoughts about proposing to me as a result. But I do believe that most anyone would be questioning it in their heads if the ring was originally offered up straight from the jeweler and when a proposal was requested, you are told you won’t have to wait. I guess I did not realize at that point that the timing involved would shift so much.
I do think he has anger issues but I also know that he has spent years working on them and he has changed significantly since becoming a father 9 years ago. Not that I knew him then, but from what I know he is a very different man. Fatherhood gave him patience and taught him to think before letting his anger out. I am not afraid of him at all, and it has frustrated me that when we fight he has to walk away and becomes distant until he’s over it, but that’s just how he is. As someone who says things they shouldn’t when angry, I appreciate that he exercises more self control than I do at times.
I have my concerns about dealing with his family and I’m very strongly considering keeping our money separate and splitting bills. Although he used to bail them out financially constantly, he now generally offers his help but not his money. For example when both of his parents’ cars died at the same time, he expected his mom to sit at home and wait for them to be able to buy the needed part and get it fixed. He and his sister took turns taking their dad to his part time job (he had to make his sister do this, in the past he would not have) but he also put it on them to buy what was needed for his dad’s truck and get it fixed. In the past he would have just dug into his pockets to pay for the repairs so they could float along without missing a beat. I don’t expect him to refuse to offer his help with their ongoing problems, because there is ALWAYS something, but I agree that I don’t want to build resentment if the money he’s throwing at them is mine. If we split shared expenses and keep the rest separate, he can choose to help them or not without it being on me. After barely keeping a roof over my head and lots of grocery trips where I have to put things back because I simply don’t have the money, I’m not in a place where I can give what I have to people who aren’t accountable for their life and choices. SO knows how I feel about his family and since he’s known me I think he’s opened his eyes a lot. He is frustrated with them too.
Communication is an ongoing issue for us but we’re aware of it and we’re working on it. We’ve actually come a long way in that department. We will keep working on it but we’re nowhere close to where we should be. We both know that.
Post # 49
Member
2244 posts
Buzzing bee
laurenalaine83 : Looking at your update, soooo you could have been engaged already, you asked him for a real proposal and now are complaining and getting upset that it hasn’t happened yet? That’s a lot of pressure to come up with the “right” proposal. Maybe he is waiting for a special occasion or trying to figure out what would be “special” enough for you.
This plus communication issues on both sides makes me think you should really evaluate whether this is a relationship you want to be involved in.
Post # 50
Member
88 posts
Worker bee
Sunshine024 : he is aware that I don’t need or expect an elaborate proposal. I just want him to ask the question. He could do it while we’re cooking dinner together one night or after going for a drive. I don’t care about it being something major, I just want the question to be asked, not to walk through the door and say “here.”
Post # 51
Member
88 posts
Worker bee
annabeth929 : these are my feelings exactly, except after our discussion I am going to relax and give it a few more months. After that it’ll be a different story.
Post # 52
Member
7433 posts
Busy Beekeeper
chelbell23 : I am absolutely flabbergasted by women that set a hard and fast timeline on proposals and marriage. If you truly want to marry someone, another year or two is a drop in a bucket compared to a lifetime together.
Well, I’m flabbergasted by women who will sit in limbo for ages passively waiting for their partner to decide they are worthy of marrying. I couldn’t live like that, feeling I have no control or say over my own shared future. There’d come a point where I absolutely would walk out on a relationship where “everything else was perfect” if the one thing missing was my partner not being sure he was all in…and would have zero regrets.
Anyway, it’s clear some people think that a dude holding onto a ring for four months is NBD. That’s great. For me it would be a big deal cause it woulld tell me he’s likely having second thoughts…which is pretty much exactly what OP’s bf has told her. If a guy is having second thoughts solely due to the fact that his partner is angsty over his delaying the proposal, and because she has the nerve to express that, then we have issues that we need to get to the bottom of. Im not gonna sit here on trial for months on end, stifling my angst aboout my partner’s ambivalence toward me and behaving like a good little girl so he rewards me with a ring…that’s fucked.
Post # 53
Member
2995 posts
Sugar bee
laurenalaine83 : Were you clear about what your ecpectations were when you asked for a proposal? Because if the conversation went something like “here’s the ring”, “I’d actually like a proposal” he probably assumes you want a romantic proposal. If you were OK with just being “asked” at home while cooking dinner, he probably figures you’d have been OK with just accepting the ring right then, or would have asked then for him to properly ask the question.
It really does seem to me like you don’t communicate your wants and needs very well, and then you get upset that he doesn’t read your mind and instead of telling him you’re upset and why, you become resentful and pull away from him. That’s not a good foundation to build a marriage on.
Post # 54
Member
88 posts
Worker bee
tiffanybruiser : obviously I’m in agreement with you. I am not good at hiding my feelings and regardless of what anyone says here, I’m willing to adjust my attitude and do things differently for a few months – but that’s about it. I am also of the point of view that this is my life too. Someone referred to him “dangling a carrot” and that’s exactly how I feel about it. I do feel like I have to behave myself to “earn” a proposal. If I hadn’t been as distant and snippy as I’ve been the last maybe 2 weeks, I’m not sure I’d be willing to take a step back and assess my own behavior and its role in all of this. But since I do regret some of my behavior, I’m willing to give it some time. I think we’ve had our wires crossed and communication has been an issue. But after our conversation last weekend we should understand each other. That is what I am banking on. If several more months pass and it becomes clear that we do NOT understand each other now, I am prepared to walk away.
Post # 55
Member
88 posts
Worker bee
sboom : You are correct that I am not the best at communicating my needs and wants. That is something I am aware of and obviously it has played a role in this issue. Did I initially tell him that I didn’t need a big proposal? No. But there was a conversation about a month in (not a nasty one) where he mentioned something about needing to plan something big that would make me happy, and I told him on no uncertain terms that I don’t care about a big proposal. I told him I don’t need anything newsworthy, I just want him to ask me the question. It can be as casual as he wants, as long as the question is asked. That’s all I want from him, and by now he’s been told more than once. So yes I wasn’t clear right off the bat, but he’s known my true and honest feelings for a while now.
Post # 56
Member
1683 posts
Bumble bee
- Wedding: May 2019 - City, State
tiffanybruiser : it’s not sitting in limbo. 😂 It’s being happy and secure in a good relationship, while your partner emotionally prepares for the next step. And respecting their right to also have their own feelings on timing. Setting a timeline is essentially giving your partner
“no control or say in your shared future.” Basically, “propose by this time or you’ll lose me forever, whether you’re ready or not.” That’s a pretty shitty thing to pull on someone. You can know you want to marry someone and not be ready to take the full plunge of proposing. It’s not always indecision.
Post # 57
Member
1190 posts
Bumble bee
Your situation leaves a bad taste in my mouth. He says that it’s up to him to propose and you “need to just wait.” He gets to decide when you’ve behaved well enough to be proposed to. He gets to decide when you move in together. He gets to decide whether or not your feelings are valid/rational. This does not sound like a partnership.
You say that you always feel like your needs come last. What makes you think that marriage would change that? Wouldn’t he still be putting his needs and his parents’ needs before yours? You’re walking into a minefield.
Post # 58
Member
7433 posts
Busy Beekeeper
chelbell23 : I could not disagree more. When one partner is ready to get married and the other is still ambivalent, that puts massive pressure on the person who’s ready. She has to sit there in limbo taking a gamble that she’s not wasting her time, that eventually he’ll decide he’s all in. Setting a timeline – or just straight up leaving the relationship – is the only way she can regain control over her own future. Sure it takes control away from her partner, but when two people don’t agree about their shared future, it is inevitable that eventually one of them is gonna have to give up control.
Right now, OP’s bf is holding all the cards because OP is ready to get engaged and he’s not. When one person knows they’re all in and the other isn’t sure, that creates tension that’s not sustainable in the long run. Something has to give.
You can know you want to marry someone and not be ready to take the full plunge of proposing. It’s not always indecision.
Of course. But in this case, it is indecision – he has straight up told her so.
ETA: Also, you can respect that your partner needs more time to decide whether he wants to propose or not, while also respecting yourself enough to decide that you are not going to wait around forever. The two aren’t mutually exclusive. If he’s not ready that’s fine, he has every right not to be, but to expect one’s partner to just sit there in limbo indefinitely while you debate whether to commit is unreasonable.
Post # 59
Member
7433 posts
Busy Beekeeper
laurenalaine83 : I understand and I don’t think you’re making a mistake by giving it some more time. I think where you’ve gone wrong in the past has been in “expressing your feelings” via passive aggressively withdrawing rather than just being direct. Now that you’ve been direct and put all your cards on the table, there’s nothing much more to do than wait however long you feel is appropriate for him to make a move.
I still don’t like that he’s not willing to go to counseling though. He has big communication issues too, and while you say you guys are “working on it,” it seems to me there is still a very long way to go particularly given all the challenges you face in this relationship with your children and the situation with his parents.
