We had a talk

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 46
Member
541 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I think this man is telling you how he really feels. He is choosing everything but you. He’s had a ring for 4 months. Asking you a question is free. Just because you are engaged doesn’t mean you have to get married right away either. But, you already said engagement and marriage aren’t that important to him. So, I wouldn’t be expecting him to be in a rush to do that.

Helping your parents is one thing. But the level of his involvement is troubling, and won’t likely change any time soon. You’ll be pulled into it eventually if you marry him. 

At this point, I’d probably just be done. He can sell the ring. You aren’t supposed to need therapy before the wedding.

Post # 47
Member
1706 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - City, State

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sboom :  right?! I am absolutely flabbergasted by women that set a hard and fast timeline on proposals and marriage. If you truly want to marry someone, another year or two is a drop in a bucket compared to a lifetime together.

Four months is not a long time to wait. If he had the ring for four years with no proposal, I’d understand getting an attitude about it. But 4 months? Chill. 

Post # 49
Member
2172 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

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laurenalaine83 :  Looking at your update, soooo you could have been engaged already, you asked him for a real proposal and now are complaining and getting upset that it hasn’t happened yet? That’s a lot of pressure to come up with the “right” proposal. Maybe he is waiting for a special occasion or trying to figure out what would be “special” enough for you.

This plus communication issues on both sides makes me think you should really evaluate whether this is a relationship you want to be involved in. 

Post # 52
Member
7633 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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chelbell23 :  I am absolutely flabbergasted by women that set a hard and fast timeline on proposals and marriage. If you truly want to marry someone, another year or two is a drop in a bucket compared to a lifetime together.

Well, I’m flabbergasted by women who will sit in limbo for ages passively waiting for their partner to decide they are worthy of marrying. I couldn’t live like that, feeling I have no control or say over my own shared future. There’d come a point where I absolutely would walk out on a relationship where “everything else was perfect” if the one thing missing was my partner not being sure he was all in…and would have zero regrets. 

Anyway, it’s clear some people think that a dude holding onto a ring for four months is NBD. That’s great. For me it would be a big deal cause it woulld tell me he’s likely having second thoughts…which is pretty much exactly what OP’s bf has told her. If a guy is having second thoughts solely due to the fact that his partner is angsty over his delaying the proposal, and because she has the nerve to express that, then we have issues that we need to get to the bottom of. Im not gonna sit here on trial for months on end, stifling my angst aboout my partner’s ambivalence toward me and behaving like a good little girl so he rewards me with a ring…that’s fucked.

Post # 53
Member
3454 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

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laurenalaine83 :  Were you clear about what your ecpectations were when you asked for a proposal? Because if the conversation went something like “here’s the ring”, “I’d actually like a proposal” he probably assumes you want a romantic proposal. If you were OK with just being “asked” at home while cooking dinner, he probably figures you’d have been OK with just accepting the ring right then, or would have asked then for him to properly ask the question.

It really does seem to me like you don’t communicate your wants and needs very well, and then you get upset that he doesn’t read your mind and instead of telling him you’re upset and why, you become resentful and pull away from him. That’s not a good foundation to build a marriage on.

Post # 56
Member
1706 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - City, State

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tiffanybruiser :  it’s not sitting in limbo. 😂  It’s being happy and secure in a good relationship, while your partner emotionally prepares for the next step. And respecting their right to also have their own feelings on timing. Setting a timeline is essentially giving your partner “no control or say in your shared future.”  Basically, “propose by this time or you’ll lose me forever, whether you’re ready or not.” That’s a pretty shitty thing to pull on someone. You can know you want to marry someone and not be ready to take the full plunge of proposing. It’s not always indecision. 

Post # 57
Member
1226 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

Your situation leaves a bad taste in my mouth. He says that it’s up to him to propose and you “need to just wait.” He gets to decide when you’ve behaved well enough to be proposed to. He gets to decide when you move in together.  He gets to decide whether or not your feelings are valid/rational. This does not sound like a partnership.

You say that you always feel like your needs come last. What makes you think that marriage would change that? Wouldn’t he still be putting his needs and his parents’ needs before yours? You’re walking into a minefield.

Post # 58
Member
7633 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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chelbell23 :  I could not disagree more. When one partner is ready to get married and the other is still ambivalent, that puts massive pressure on the person who’s ready. She has to sit there in limbo taking a gamble that she’s not wasting her time, that eventually he’ll decide he’s all in. Setting a timeline – or just straight up leaving the relationship – is the only way she can regain control over her own future. Sure it takes control away from her partner, but when two people don’t agree about their shared future, it is inevitable that eventually one of them is gonna have to give up control.

Right now, OP’s bf is holding all the cards because OP is ready to get engaged and he’s not. When one person knows they’re all in and the other isn’t sure, that creates tension that’s not sustainable in the long run. Something has to give.

You can know you want to marry someone and not be ready to take the full plunge of proposing. It’s not always indecision. 

Of course. But in this case, it is indecision – he has straight up told her so. 

ETA: Also, you can respect that your partner needs more time to decide whether he wants to propose or not, while also respecting yourself enough to decide that you are not going to wait around forever. The two aren’t mutually exclusive. If he’s not ready that’s fine, he has every right not to be, but to expect one’s partner to just sit there in limbo indefinitely while you debate whether to commit is unreasonable. 

Post # 59
Member
7633 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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laurenalaine83 :  I understand and I don’t think you’re making a mistake by giving it some more time. I think where you’ve gone wrong in the past has been in “expressing your feelings” via passive aggressively withdrawing rather than just being direct. Now that you’ve been direct and put all your cards on the table, there’s nothing much more to do than wait however long you feel is appropriate for him to make a move.

I still don’t like that he’s not willing to go to counseling though. He has big communication issues too, and while you say you guys are “working on it,” it seems to me there is still a very long way to go particularly given all the challenges you face in this relationship with your children and the situation with his parents.

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