We had a talk

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 61
Member
6 posts
Newbee

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laurenalaine83 :  I just wanted to say that I am sorry for your predicament, and I think a lot of people on here have been somewhat harsh in their judgements. 

While I know there are other existing conditions, I can understand the frustration you have. I was also involved in the picking out of my ring and while he didn’t buy it there with me, many months have passed and sometimes I am like WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? Not because I am entiled or not capable of waiting but I think when you are involved in the ring process at all it can sometimes be hard because you know whats coming but not what they are planning or doing. So I can relate to the frustration there. For me personally I just have to take a step back and remind myself that if I keep obsessing about it then it will ruin the suprise and the enjoyment. 

Anyways don’t let people get you down. You don’t have to justify your situation to anyone and it is okay to want to be proposed to already. My advice would just be that you and he will enjoy the proposing a lot more if neither party feels rushed or harassed. 🙂 

Post # 63
Member
6 posts
Newbee

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laurenalaine83 :  I 100% think your feelings are valid and he sounds like a wonderful partner. I can appreciate that no one is perfect, we all have our faults and things that need to be worked on, but it sounds like he really is supportive of you and you of him.

I think like you have said communication is the biggest stepping stone (it is for most couples). My FH and I are both incredibly confrontational and so we often have to take a step back and simmer down and then figure out how to talk. I know you said in earlier post that he has no interest in therapy. Which I am not condemning, I know a lot of people don’t have an interest in therapy, that doesn’t mean they don’t have an interest in working to improve the relationship. That being said maybe at some point when neither of you are upset you can approach him calmly and ask him “How would you like me to approach you when I am upset or feel like something is wrong?” and it can help you figure out the best way to bring up concerns. He can ask you that question too. My FH and I had this question and it was suprising in the way we answered. it was like oh wow! Now we are less confrontational because when I am upset or want to bring a concern to him I can approach him in a way I know he will mostly be receptive to and visa versa.

 

I would also ask him questions like “When you are mad/upset about something (not even necessarily related to your relationship), how would you like me to support you?” This may seem like a stupid question but my FH just wants to vent and wants me to talk out solutions. I on the otherhand want to be left alone, and for him to wait for me to come to him. I don’t like thousands of suggestions to fix it.  So it has really helped us understand how to better support each other through diffcult times when we get frustrated or angry. 

 

Hope this helps. I am glad to hear things are going better. It’s hard being patient but we will get there! 😉

Post # 66
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: February 2022

A previous poster mentioned that a timeline was like telling your partner to propose or lose me forever but i believe they are referring to an ultimatum. No comments i read suggested the OP give her partner an ultimatum. 

A timeline as i understand it is a wonderful idea. Two partners sit down and one offers a timeline of when they see and when they would like an event to take place and if both parties agree they try to make it happen. If both parties arent comfortable then compromises and alternatives are made until both parties are comfortable knowing that there is a somewhat loose plan for how THEIR lives will both move forward in terms of the events on the timeline. 

Post # 67
Member
150 posts
Blushing bee

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chelbell23 :  It’s a form of unrequited love. You can’t be “happy and secure” in what essentially amounts to unrequited love. 

Post # 68
Member
1053 posts
Bumble bee

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chelbell23 :  

“You can know you want to marry someone and not be ready to take the full plunge of proposing.”

Walk me through this one. How is it that a man: 1) spends 2 years with a woman, 2) knows he wants to marry her, and 3) buys a ring, and still is not ready to take the full plunge of proposing? Have I missed a step here? Proposing does not mean you call the minister up and he comes to your house that very hour to declare you husband and wife. Proposing is simply an expression of your intention to marry.

So how exactly does someone achieve the state of being where they know they want to marry someone, have bought the ring, but are not ready to propose? Do little green elves come along and change all the locks on the doors and all the passwords on all the computers and phones when one gets engaged, or am I missing something?

Look, for what it’s worth, I don’t think the OP and her SO should get engaged. They don’t sound happy. The OP sounds frustrated and emotionally wrung out by her life and her relationship, which I frankly think is just going to pile lots of unnecessary stress on her. The SO doesn’t sound like he is actually ready to make the commitment of marriage, and they don’t seem close enough as a couple to take that step.

But I really do disagree with the notion that someone can be ready to marry someone but not ready to get engaged. They’re one and the same.

Post # 69
Member
5634 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

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indigobee :  But I really do disagree with the notion that someone can be ready to marry someone but not ready to get engaged. They’re one and the same.

Being ready to marry and being ready to get engaged are one and the same but the previous poster said you can want to marry someone but not actually be ready to be engaged. 

Post # 70
Member
7524 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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indigobee :  Yeah, in the OP’s case, it makes no sense. I can understand how you might know you want to marry someone but not be ready financially or otherwise to actually get engaged. Like maybe you’re saving for a ring, or you’re still in college and want to get settled in your career first, even though you know this person is the one for you. That I can see.

But if you get to the point of purchasing the damn ring, and you straight up tell your partner, “I won’t make you wait long,” and your partner has made it clear she doesn’t need a fancy proposal, then no, there’s really no excuse to “need more time.”

Post # 71
Member
1708 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - City, State

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indigobee :  my original comment on this thread was replying to another comment about the fact that there are a lot of women setting a hard and fast timeline – it was not really in response to the original poster. Then another user commented about how not setting a timeline is waiting in limbo, and what you are quoting is in reponse to that comment, not anything the OP has said. 

Post # 73
Member
11381 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

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laurenalaine83 :  the thing is, while you are not owed a proposal, you are owed an honest discussion about your relationship.

so everyone who’s talking about how your behavior is the problem here could be right re the proposal, we can’t know that, but in no way does that excuse him from being honest with you about your future.

hes now made you wait 6 months while telling you you wouldn’t wait.

you say he has had anger issues but now doesn’t. I’m going to suggest that he is not good at communication at the very least. Maybe his way of avoiding anger is to stuff everything. Who knows.

what we do know is that he’s not a great communicator and he’s not being fair re your future.

Post # 74
Member
2075 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

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laurenalaine83 :  Are you 100% sure he actually has the ring in his possession bee?  I’m beginning to wonder.  In either case I agree with pp, this isn’t fair at all to you.  Looks like you’ve got a hard decision to make bee.  I don’t think he’s giving you much of a choice. 

Post # 75
Member
5131 posts
Bee Keeper

I’d start locating the exit nearest to you. 

Frankly I’d find it hard to trust someone who said he wouldn’t make me wait and then does nothing except complain about my behavior for 6+ months. This is a perfect example of words mean nothing, actions mean everything. It’s obvious he’s having second thoughts. He owes you an explanation. Please don’t let anyone tell you you’re expecting too much too soon. You’re not. 

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