We had a talk

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 76
Member
1578 posts
Bumble bee

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laurenalaine83 :   I’m so sorry this is happening it must be really frustrating. I think at this point if you haven’t already sit him down when you have some time and have a serious conversation. Let him know that what he is doing isn’t kind and how it is hurting your feelings. I doubt he wants something it’s supposed to be loving and romantic to end up with any resentment tainting it. He also needs to hear if you haven’t told him already that relationships are two-way street and that you make decisions together. So he doesn’t get to just sit on a proposal with no thought to how you feel. I think it’s fair to tell him if he loves you he wouldn’t do something that hurts your feelings on purpose and the longer he now waits to propose the more hurtful it is to you.  I’d say this conversation will go better if you come from a vulnerable place rather than angry place.  You could also throw in something about how you want to be with a man who is a man of his word.  You picked out a ring and he said he would propose and now you need Him to follow through like he said he would. 

 To be quite honest if A guy either asked your father if he can have your hand or buys the ring he should be ready to propose the second that happens. If he’s not ready he  shouldn’t  be buying a ring and he shouldnt be asking your father period.  So him having the ring for six months is not acceptable because shouldn’t have bought it if he wasn’t already ready. 

Post # 77
Member
188 posts
Blushing bee

I think it’s about time to keave, bee. I don’t think either of You are happy and you are definitely being strung along.

Post # 78
Member
1431 posts
Bumble bee

What I see so often in these case is Obedience ( waiting quietly while he chooses how & when) leads to Resentment ( getting angry and wondering what the heck is going on here, why am I getting strung along?) which ultimately leads to Revolution ( OK that’s enough! I am fed up with this and here is my ultimatum….).

Unfortunately more often than not, the discussion culminates in anger. No one wants a proposal under those circumstances.

The only way to stop this is to sit down quietly and be clear on your timeline. Obviously his idea of “soon” ( 6 months now) is not the same as yours. If he has changed his mind in the intervening months since he got the ring, you need to know. If he is waiting for a certain trip you are going on etc, you need to know. Figuratively patting you on the head and saying “be patient, your time will come.” is patronizing, condescending and shows a very poor balance in mutual respect which does not bode well for a future relationship.

Post # 81
Member
5131 posts
Bee Keeper

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laurenalaine83 :  There are some people who think if you express any dissatisfaction with how things are going on the engagement front that you mess up your SO’s oh so very important special plans. And if you havent been with him for years and years, you’re expecting too much too soon. 

Ignore them.

Post # 83
Member
7524 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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laurenalaine83 :  This is just such bullshit bee. He’s the one that’s been stringing you along for six months after telling you he wouldn’t make you wait, and now he has the nerve to get mad you for expressing frustration over that? If he wanted you to trust him he should have followed through on his promise. Instead he’s broken your trust, and to add insult to injury, is now punishing YOU for not trusting him!

His attitude is honestly insulting to your intelligence. I would be done bee.

Post # 85
Member
443 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

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laurenalaine83 :  If I were you I’d set a date. It can be an “if you don’t propose by such and such, we are engaged and you can just give me the ring” date or a walk date. Six months is way too long to wait in my opinion. He bought a ring, told you about it, almost gave it to you and then what? Realized he couldn’t manage the commitment? At the end of the day, he is stringing you along at this point. It sounds like he gaslights you, too, based on your original post. 

Just because this guy is better than your previous relationship doesn’t mean he is forever material. You deserve a guy who respects and values your feelings and doesn’t get mad when you try to talk about the future.

It sounds like it might be time to give up on him.

Post # 86
Member
443 posts
Helper bee

Have all the issues you’ve outlined in other posts regarding the time and money he spends on his family and him not giving you enough of his time been resolved?

Post # 87
Member
7524 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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laurenalaine83 :  I know it’s not easy bee. It’s a journey and you have to do it on your own time. The fact that you realize how fucked this is and that you deserve better is for sure a step in the right direction. Good luck!

Post # 88
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee

Just want to preface it with saying – I am not trying to hurt anyone’s feelings but seriously why do girls get upset when their SO ALREADY got the ring…What’s there to worry about now? Maybe I don’t get it or don’t get it yet. My SO and I talked about the rings 3 times tops and very casually….and we’ve been together for 3 years!! I would understand if someone was feeling resentment in my case…I am with the man who loves and takes good care of me BUT…I am starting to feel a little bit down about the whole waiting process. To me if the ring has been bought, the waiting is over!

Post # 89
Member
576 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2018 - City, State

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vanessa9090 :  I guess its weird if someone has the ring but just sits on it for a long time. If you knew this you might second guess if they changed their mind…

Didnt happen to me but that’s how I imagine it is.

Post # 90
Member
273 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

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laurenalaine83 :  I think there is a lot of stuff going on here, but did you two ever discuss what “long” meant? If this were fi and I, my thought would be, “okay. I can expect a proposal in a few weeks.” My fi would think, “I will be proposing in a few months. Certainly by the end of the year.” It sounds like you have somewhat of a timeline if its agreed that the propsal would happen before you join households, but if that can all change because of the engagement… well thats really just blowing smoke. 

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