(Closed) We had the talk once again

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
4524 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@beeeforeigocrazy:  totally understand: i’ve been doing my best not to bring it up and he will be the one that does, mainly to tease me and get a rise out of me because he knows i’m tired of waiting. After one of his jokes yesterday, i told him “you dont want me to get to a point where I dont care anymore.”

In your situation, i’m feeling like he didnt take the ring back. I think he was just being spiteful.

Post # 4
Member
2196 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I am sorry you are going through this. I don’t think he’s being fair to you at all – not just about not proposing but by the constant (one sided) conversation on the issue at hand.

I have been in relationships before were I was terrified to ask/mention/inquire about our future. I thought the same way as you… just enjoy it in the moment and the rest will come. I honestly believe the reason I thought this, was to protect myself.. because I knew, in my heart, If i asked about the future, there was a good chance they would tell me there wasn’t one. I was scared to hear that answer, lose him, break up etc. In the end, it always happened anyway. Relationships broke down, hearts were broken (usually mine) and by the end communication was crap.

Honestly, if you cannot talk to this man about very, VERY important subjects like your future, it’s not going in a good direction. Communication is KEY. About everything. Where your relationship is going, where it’s gone, what you both see for it, and what you don’t. If you are waiting for him to propose, and he knows in your heart that you’re not the one… it’s going to get really ugly. You will be hurt, and forever resent him for not talking to you about this sooner. You’ll regret not asking sooner too.

 You need to talk about everything, on your terms. Don’t be afraid to push him  away. Living this relationship in “silence” is not fair to you at ALL. If he can’t handle an honest, serious conversation about your future as a couple, to me… it’s dead in the water. My husband and I talked about everything when we were dating. And to be honest, we never even discussed getting engaged. It just happened. We both knew in our hearts that this was  “it” and that whenever the time was right, it would happen. And it did, and it was amazing. I was 150% surprised, no clue it was coming. We will have been married 2 years in June and have the best, strongest relationship I could ever hope for.

You need to talk to him not only about your furture, but your feelings. That you feel like you can’t even mention your future, that you’re walking on eggshells knowing that saying something could set him off or put the old conversation into a tailspin. If he can’t validate your feelings, comfort you and reassure you that he is serious, and your relationship IS moving forward… he’s not the one. You need to be able to talk about anything and everything, whenever you feel the need… especially when you are getting to that point of talking about marriage. Talk about finances, children, sex, EVERYTHING. Sitting in silence, bottling up your feelings is not good for you, your health, or this relationship.

I’m not saying pressure him into proposing. At all. I’m saying tell him you want to discuss like 2 adults and if he’s not willing to do that, you need to seriously reevaluate this relationship. Getting married is a HUGE deal, and to start things out on the path they are on now I think is  a disaster waiting to happen. You are an adult, tell him how you are feeling and go from there. If he isn’t willing to discuss your future as a couple together in a pleasant, confident, loving manner… I don’t think he’s the one for you in the first place.

Keep us posted hun, I’m so sorry you are going through this at all. I’ve been there, and it really, really is not fun to go through.

XO

Post # 6
Member
1402 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

If he’s treating you like this before you get engaged what makes you think his behaviour will change once you get engaged and married?  What else will he taunt you with?  What other situations will you not be allowed to discuss with him?  As a PP said, communication is key.  Your SO doesn’t seem to understand that.

Post # 7
Member
10366 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I guess I don’t believe in the power struggle this is causing between you guys (and many other waiting bees I see here). If you want to be together, it shouldn’t be about having the upper hand in a proposal scenario. You either want to be with someone or you don’t. I think the games are super sad.

Post # 8
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee

Hummm, I remember your last post about him returning the ring. I am pretty sure the consensus was that he was a big jackss for telling you he took back the ring. 

It seems like it has only been a few days and you are right back in the same situation with him.  IMO this is starting to sound like a really toxic behavior pattern in your relationship.  This is what it looks like to an outsider-  Sorry if below is too harsh but you asked for advise.

1)You talk about a future and engagement then he tells you that basically you don’t deserve the ring because he feels pressured or whatever his problem is and this ends up with him saying stuff like he took back the ring.  

2) After telling him that is behavior isn’t okay, you shut up about the issue.  He then feels that he has lost control over the situation and you aren’t giving him the negative reinforcement of asking about your future and the ring.  SO in order to bring the situation back under his control,  he starts to F with you by telling you it’s coming soon and be patient.

3 )You get upset AGAIN and he tell him you are upset then he basically gives you the silent treatment until he has “punished” you enough that you shut up about the ring. 

4)Then the whole thing starts all over again.

A few words come to mind when I read your posts (all of them related to your FI)  controling passive aggressive, inmature, and insensitive.  I don’t see this pattern changing, the subject might change say from the ring to something like when to buy a house to when to have kids and a whole bunch of other stuff but the pattern is set and his makes sure he is large and in charge all the time.

As a side note, I am a licensed psychologist and highly recommend couples therapy if you want to change this pattern.

 

 

 

 

Post # 9
Member
1144 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Do not move in with him until there is a date set. Just sayn’

Post # 10
Hostess
7561 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

@discodance:  I agree.

What’s up with him dangling marriage and then taking it away? I think he’s being manipulative. It doesn’t seem very healthy. 

Post # 12
Member
1469 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@beeeforeigocrazy:  I think the real problem is you don’t trust him enough to feel deep down that he means what he says and will propose this year right? If there was trust between you, you wouldnt have to ask. He said it’s happening this year. Unless there are logistical issues (you have 6 months to live, he’s being deployed, etc) there shouldn’t be panic about the precise timeline. If i were you I’d think about WHY I dont trust him.

In my case I didnt press for details bc I knew in every way he wanted to marry me. And soon (after nearly 3 years toether). I get that a guy wants to keep it secret and how it would be annoying if the gf pressures him for details. If you’re secure in the relationship, and you know his timeline matches yours, you don’t need to pressure. I’m not saying this is your fault. He’s obviously not inspiring feelings of trust and security, despite what he says. I would ask myself why!

Finally, if he knows you are this upset about things and he’s 100% about wanting to marry you, I don’t see why he doesn’t give up his need to surprise you and just narrow it down to a month or two for your sanity. But again, I don’t think that’s ideal. I think it’s more important to just KNOW you’re on the same page.

Post # 13
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

ugh He’s really not being fair. I’m not sure what to tell you or how to handle it .. but I want to hit him FOR you.  I think if he STOPPED pulling the rug out from under you … you would be able to deal with this .. but the … i took the ring back .. it’s all your fault your not patient… it’s bull shite

he shouldn’t want to torture the woman he loves. 

Post # 14
Member
12247 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

You guys seem to be stuck in a  nasty cycle! Maybe it’s time for therapy?

Post # 15
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@StaceyA:  Everything Stacey said. Go back and read it again and again and again.

Post # 16
Member
3582 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

@beeeforeigocrazy:  you said

I previously told him that I would not move in unless we were engaged.  I am so hurt by all of this and yet I’m trying.  I have given him examples of how this makes me feel, and he continues to say he kinda understands. 

Don’t move in with him. You guys  are having problems, and moving in togetherwill not solve that. 

I can’t really advise you since it’s impossible to know what’s up with him and if your expectations are realistic, but–it’s clear this is a problem, and possibly the beginning of a serious and longstanding problem. Don’t move further into the path of conflict.

Maintain your independance.


 

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