(Closed) We have a date… and he's miserable

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
1671 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Church

annasaf83:  I don’t think that this relationship sounds very promising until he actually tells his mother and stands up to her about you two getting married. This is going to be a sticking point and even if she were angry that you two are getting marriedshe willbe even more so after finding out how long you have kept it from her.

Post # 3
118 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

You’ve been engaged for 15 months and he hasn’t told his mother (who it sounds like he lives with)??? He needs to change that, pronto. It doesn’t sound like he is really willing to commit to you at this point. If you are secretly engaged, that is a problem. He needs to get an exit plan (like soon), tell his mom and let the chips fall where they may. If he’s not willing to do that, it doesn’t sound like he is fully committed to you. 

Post # 4
186 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Villa Celeste

This seems like an incredibly complex situation, and if nothing else I would highly reccommend calling off the wedding for the time being. This doesn’t mean you still can’t be engaged, but I personally would feel incredibly uncomfortable with the situation as a whole. If you don’t mind me asking, is there a particular reason why his mother has completely cut you off? It seems like such a drastic measure. 

Have you tried reaching out to her? I understand from your post that this is probably out of the question. But I feel like you and your fiance need to have a discussion about what you intend to do. He’s in a difficult spot, and I think it would make him feel better to talk it out. If he doesn’t want to talk it out now, then that’s probably the first red flag I would point out before proceeding with the wedding planning. At some point he will need to tell her, maybe you could tell him you won’t proceed with planning until he tells her. Ultimately you are right about this being his mother’s issue and not yours, but he needs to reconcile these issues and figure out what the best plan of action is. 

Post # 5
9920 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

Why does he think he will lose everything in five years?  Can you think of a reason his mom doesn’t like you?  I find this all very strange…

Post # 6
434 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I have a feeling there is more to this story. Why doesn’t his mom like you? Why can’t he tell his mom you are engaged? Why can’t you plan a wedding if you are engaged? Very confused. 

Post # 7
1303 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

He needs to be an adult and tell his mom. I would postpone all wedding planning until he tells her, makes a plan to move out, and possibly goes to therapy to deal with his fear of losing everything.<br />

Post # 8
2137 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

This is very strange… He needs to untie the apron strings and move out. He needs to then tell her that he is marrying you. So, she would have a heart attack when she gets her invitation to the wedding?! How would he lose his whole family, she is just one person. Plus, who cares what they think, they are not going to be married to you! What on earth does his job have to do with anything?! His fears (except for losing the relationship with his mother) seem unwarranted. When exactly does he plan to be a grown a*s man and stand up to everyone and do what makes him happy?! Please, don’t pay any vendors until this nonsense is resolved.

Post # 9
1067 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I don’t mean this offensively.. but I wouldn’t be considering that I have a date until a venue was booked with said date, particularly if you want a traditional venue which tends to book out a year in advance.

He should absolutely tell his mum.  If she will really write him off because of this then what kind of person is that to have in your life?  He should stand up to her if he is truly an adult, and have your back in this.  The only exception is if there is a reason for her to not like you?  I can’t help but feel this is very extreme from her so is it a cultural thing or money or something?  Or did you do something at the start of the relationship which has given her a reason to dislike you.  It just all seems very strange and there is no way I would put up with being a secret.

Post # 10
6869 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

If he can’t stand up to his mother to even tell her that you’re engaged, and have been for over a year, is this the type of man you want to marry?

Post # 11
4666 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Sorry, but I think he’s stringing you along. If he had intended to marry you, he would have thought about the mommy issue first. It’s emotional blackmail and srs FTS. 

Post # 12
2264 posts
Buzzing bee

Yeah….um, aside from the very punctual proposal, what exactly about his behavior indicates he wants to get married? Because it sounds like everything points to the opposite. You may want to rethink wanting to spend the rest of your life with this guy. 

Post # 13
326 posts
Helper bee

I’d really consider holding off on the wedding until he talks to his mother. If he truly wanted to be married to you and looking forward to a life together I’d imagine he’d have talked to his mother and told her what you meant to him and his plans and preparations to deal with any fallout. I’m sorry you’re going through this but I’d put plans on hold until he shows more concrete moves. 

Post # 14
2613 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

annasaf83:  I think you should think long and hard about what your future is going to look like if you marry this man presuming he can move out from under his Mommy’s thumb long enough to make it down the aisle.

Okay, that was bitchy, sorry.

Why is an adult man still living at home? As long as he is dependent financially on his parents, they will be able to assert control.  So, he needs to move out. 

Then, he needs to decide if he’s going to stand up and be his own man.  I get that the idea of being disowned by your Mom and your family is daunting but if the price of not being disowned is that they get to dictate your life choices to you, well, that’s not much of a life.  So what is more important to him? keeping them happy by surrendering his own independence or moving forward to own his own life?   Understand that neither you nor he will be the reason they turn their backs on him – that is entirely their choice.  

If his mother cannot be reasoned with, if it’s her way or no way – then he simply has to choose.  He can’t try to walk the razor thin edge he is now, let alone ask you to walk it with him.

He could use some counseling.  But in the absence of that, moping, stalling and hiding isn’t a great way to spend your days and cowardly and childish to boot.  If he was old enough to propose 15 months ago, why is he still at home?  Is he making a real effort to move out and start his life with you?

Frankly, waiting 15 months to set a date because he was afraid of his Mommy and now freaking out because sometime in the next year he’s going to have to grow a set and tell her isn’t at all promising.  The fact that you went along with this isn’t very promising either.  Neither of you appears to have the maturity, confidence or backbone to consider marriage at this point.  

If I were you, I wouldn’t be making any non-refundable deposits because I think the chances are good he’s going to back out.

Unless he is or immediately starts showing you some very, very concrete signs he’s ready to be an adult and ready to commit to you, I suggest giving him back the ring and telling him to call you if he ever decides to cut the apron strings.  Also ask yourself why you have been agreeable to this nonsense. 


Post # 15
9557 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Yeesh! I don’t think I don’t think it’s acceptable for him to not tell his mom you’re engaged. Within, like, a week. Much less 15 months! Anybody who feels the need to hide their relationship is a huge red flag for me. And is he still living with her? That makes it far worse. I’d imagine he’s mopey because he realizes that a date means that she’s going to find out and he’s freaking out because he doesn’t know how to stand on his own two feet without her. Why does he think he’s going to lose his job? This is all super concerning. Personally, I’d hold off on more planning until he tells his mom and he isn’t so reluctant to move forward with planning. Otherwise, everything is going to be like pulling teeth. and wedding planning is hard enough on it’s own without a reluctant groom.

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