We just don't spend much time together. Help!

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 76
597 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

becomingmichi :  it sounds like this is him trying to back out of the engagement.

Post # 78
33 posts

Yikes, maybe it’s just me, but it seems a lot of Bees are being unnecessarily harsh to you in this thread. Personally, I think you’re being completely reasonable. I echo the other Bees who recommend looking into the Five Langauges of Love. It sounds like you’re craving quality time, your “love tank” has been dry for a while and your partner hears it, knows it but that doesn’t seem to propel him into changing his behavior. How frustrating. I’d ask him to check out the Languages quiz online though, too. There can always be the chance that even though he hears you asking for quality time, he may not fully understand how much the lack of it affects you. That would be best case scenario, I think.

Also, just because the activity (work) that one is addicted to is acceptable, or even admirable, to many in our society, doesn’t change that that same activity can also be a symptom or cause of great dysfunction. Even if it’s not a true addiction though, at best it sounds like you appreciate a different work-life balance than your partner. Our society puts work/career way high on a pedestal. And it is fine for someone to love his/her career, prioritize it over everything else even. But I see (not necessarily in this thread) a ton of shaming of those who care far less about a career and much more about their partners, hobbies, volunteering, whatever. It is perfectly healthy to want your relationship to be the priority in your life. The trick is finding a partner who feels the same way.

Since your fiance is giving you mixed signals about what he wants, it would be better to direct your energy into figuring out what YOU want. It sounds like you want consistent, intimate time with your partner, to feel like you are a priority. Totally reasonable! As they say, you’re only as needy as your needs go unmet. Greater understanding of love languages by you and your fiance may be the key to getting those needs met, or a different partner and relationship may be the solution. I wish you the best of luck, bee.

Post # 81
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

My Darling Husband is also a workaholic. He’s a phd student, teaches, works side jobs in a lab, and his hobby projects are the same as his work, so I feel you OP. We struggled with finding the right quality/work time balance for a long time, and something that helped us significantly was literally scheduling our time together. We both keep Google calenders that we share with each other, and I make sure to make firm solid plans with him (not “oh maybe we could do such and such this weekend” but “we are doing this on this day at this time”) and he puts that on his calender, so there are no excuses.

As a PP also suggested, having my own stuff going on helps a lot. I have my own hobbies that get me out of the house 2-3 nights a week. A few years ago I didn’t have those, and had a much harder time coping with how busy then-BF was.

If your Fiance continues to bail on your plans and refuse to spend time with you though, it may be time to reconsider the relationship. I think it’s reasonable to expect 1 or 2 nights per week from your partner.

Post # 82
1756 posts
Buzzing bee

becomingmichi :  The Five Love Languages is a huge relationship helper. I just want to throw out that I know what it’s like to literally just want some time with your SO. (I may have actually had a super emotional breakdown about this about a month ago – PMS hormones are the greatest!) My SO is also a workaholic, and he also has a DS who is 7 that we have every other week. Finding time with him just us is HARD. I just want to say that while this might be temporary because you are both working and going to school, it’s important that you (like other bees said) find a way to make time for each other, because time is only going to get harder to come by. Make sure that you figure this out before you guys have kids, because I will tell you that if you’re feeling like YOU aren’t getting enough time with him, and that’s upsetting to you, what are you going to think when you feel YOUR KIDS are not getting enough time with their dad? Also, did I read that you guys do not live together? Once you are living together, you’ll find more of those sneaky 5-10 minutes that go a long ways. I may not see my SO much, but I can always hop in with him for his nightly bathtime, or steal a few minutes of snuggling in bed before we both fall asleep. I’ve even gone as far a couple of times to get up super early with him before he leaves for work (few and VERY far between, but it’s happened.)

Post # 83
665 posts
Busy bee

becomingmichi :  Can I ask you something personal and I swear it is in an effort to offer constructive advice? Are you guys intimate still? I went through something very similar except my ex fiance was dedicating a lot of time to the TV. We rarely got together. I just figured it was because we were having a lull in the bedroom due to stress from work. The truth was that something was wrong in our relationship and he wasnt satisfied but guys dont tell women how they feel a lot of times. I didnt realize this but men need sx to feel connected and to feel love according to some people. I listen to Laura Berman podcast. Would it make sense to experiment with upping things on that side? Also people do call in to her podcast and she really helps people.

Post # 84
665 posts
Busy bee

becomingmichi :  Have you guys set a wedding date. If not, maybe casually talk about dates and see how he reacts.

I am SO sorry you have to deal with this. I dealt with this myself. My ex told me one day he didnt want to marry me, didnt want kids, and moved out the next day. It was absolute hell and I felt embarassed but I am sharing this because I want you to know that if you decide to cut bait there is nothing wrong or embarassing about it. Its not at all uncommon. A lot of the girls at the bridal shops tell me they get cancellations all the time. Now I am with someone who is a much better fit for me and truth be told a better man.

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