- 6 years ago
Boyfriend or Best Friend and I had a talk yesterday about marriage. We have talked about getting married a lot in the past (from the rings we’d want, to what we’d wear at the ceremony, to what kind of reception we’d have, to where we want to live, to when we want to have children) – but often, he does it in a jokey way (babytalking or making jokes about it). I mentioned this to him once, and he seemed chagrined to realize he had been doing that, but still never said much about concrete plans.
I have been TRYING not to push marriage talk on him, because I do want it to happen organically, but last week, his dad visited, and he told me later that his dad was “giving him grief” about us not getting engaged yet. I just thought this was funny, as his dad this to him about 10 minutes after meeting me for the first time – but it also made me think we should talk about it and maybe clarify what we were both thinking. I THOUGHT he felt the same as I did. But we were in the car yesterday, and I was seized by the sudden need to know exactly where he stood on the question of marriage.
So, we were in the car, and I asked him, “Can I ask you a kind of awkward question?” He said yes, and I asked him, “On a scale of 0 to 100%, how certain are you that you want to get married to me?” He said, “Ehhhhhhh, pretty darn sure” with a shit-eating grin. I asked him, “sooooo, does that mean, like, 95-100?” and he said yes, “unless something crazy happens,” he expects us to get married (which are my same feelings). I said, “Great, because I’m at 95-100 as well. Awesome!” (He is a Ph.D. student who does a lot of math and stat, so I thought it would be helpful to try and quantify our feelings about getting married, LOL)
I then asked him when he wanted to get married. He’s mentioned before that he would like to be married around the time he graduates from his program, which will be in three years. He said that one of his colleagues got married the summer after his graduation, and that seemed to work out well. He asked if I’d be okay with that, and I said yes. I asked, “so, summer 2015?” We agreed.
I then asked when he wanted to be engaged. He said, “I don’t know – how long do people typically stay engaged for? A year?” I told him that most of my friends were engaged at least 2 years or more, but that they also got engaged during college and wanted to wait till after graduation to get married. I said, “What about next summer?” and he agreed.
He then asked, “So, what do you want to do about a ring?” sounding a little panicked. (I’ve told him in the past that I’m not comfortable getting an expensive diamond ring, but I think he was panicking that I had changed my mind and expected him to scrimp even more than he has to on his grad student stipend)
I quickly told him, “Oh, I’ll buy myself a ring.” I explained – as I have before – that I don’t want something expensive, that I don’t want a surprise proposal, and that I want to choose my rings myself. I also pointed out that I’ll be making more money then, so I’d rather pay for it myself anyway. I don’t want him to secretly go out and buy it for me – I just want us to decide, together, that we’re ready to announce our engagement, and then I can go out and pick out a ring to wear. I asked if he was okay with that, and he totally was.
I am deliriously happy to finally have confirmation that we are on the same page as far as approaching 100% certainty. I’m 100% sure that he’s the one, but not 100% that I’m mature enough to be a wife just yet. I think that this coming year will help me work that out. We can get engaged in summer 2013 and married summer 2015, which will give us way more than enough time to plan a wedding and everything else!
I still feel impatient – I seriously HAVE to stop looking at wedding dresses until at least next summer – but I am so glad I initiated this talk, because now I have a plan, and I don’t have to wonder how serious he is. Whenever I feel impatient, I just remember that we have a timeline now. I would definitely recommend this to other waiting bees, because I feel so much calmer about it now. 🙂